What New Orleans Traffic Taught Me About Waiting

Fridays make me think about traffic. I hate traffic. so much.

Growing up in small town Mississippi, my idea of traffic was having to stop at all 6 red lights between my house and church. Rarely {if ever} did I have to worry about other cars. Traffic just wasn't a thing. Even when my parents moved to North Mississippi right outside of Memphis, I still didn't experience real traffic.

But let me tell you. New Orleans {NOLA} knocks the ball out of the park when it comes to traffic. Lord have mercy. It's the worst. Truly I have never experienced such anxiety than I have sitting in traffic down here.

To clarify, it's not bad everywhere, but the problem is that I work on the West Bank and live on the East Bank. Because of the location of my apartment on the EB and my school on the WB, the route I have to take is the Crescent City Connection Bridge. On the way to work is fine, but on the way home is quite possibly the worst traffic on planet earth {okay, not really because I saw a video from a traffic jam in Beijing and let's be real I'm also being somewhat dramatic}. But it is bad. I work only about 4 to 5 miles from my school, but it can take me over an hour {like yesterday} to get home.

I hate the stopping and going. I hate the turtle poking. Oh the anxiety and stress that builds inside of me. Some days are worse than others. Some days it doesn't bother me at all, and some days I feel like I am going to start ripping my hair out. It feels so nonsensical to just sit there in that traffic. There's no obvious reason other than too many cars trying to all go the same way obviously. I feel like I am wasting precious and valuable time of my life just sitting there. I'm stuck. There's nowhere to move. There's nowhere to go. I'm just stuck.

Sound familiar?

Sounds a little like all my pity parties in this waiting place. Frustration. Irritation. Confusion. Anxiety. Stress. Wasting valuable time. etc.

Just this year {a year after enduring that craziness}, I discovered an alternate route. It is actually probably a little longer on the mileage side, but the difference is unbelievable. It can literally lake me the same amount of time if not shorter to go the longer distance on the Huey P. Long Bridge. There's no stop and go. It's just slow and steady. There is zero anxiety.

Such a simple choice. Taking the Huey P versus the Crescent City Connection. Knowing myself well enough to know that this one little decision can spare me of so much anxiety and stress.

So what on earth does this have to do with redeeming my waiting place? Oh it has every thing to do with redeeming my waiting place.

I have no control over how long I'm gonna have to wait for an answer for whether or not I will ever marry, but regardless, this is still my journey to walk. This is still my waiting place. Because I choose to wait on God, there's no getting out at this point unless He so chooses that for me. Just like I have to drive home one way or the other every day. I have to make that drive, but it is up to me which route I take.

There comes a point where I have to make some conscious decisions to spare myself any unnecessary or extra anxiety/stress. So I had to stop reading Christian romance novels. So maybe I should stop watching TLC's Say Yes to the Dress. I know the things that can automatically set off my heart into no-man's land. I know what will cause my mind to have anxious thoughts.

I want to make the most of every season of my life. I would rather spend this waiting time anxiety-less and stress-less. I only have these days and this season once. God is using even this. It's my choice how I spend my time in this waiting place.
 

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

{This blog post is a part of a series called Redeeming the Waiting Place for the Write31Days challenge to write every day in October. You can find links to all posts in my series here. If you're interested, the Write31Days challenge is being taken by hundreds and hundreds of other wonderful bloggers which you can read more of right here. My personal favorite is browsing all the inspirational and Godly women who are blogging under the Inspiration & Faith tab which you can check out as well right here.}

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

DaySpring.com is celebrating all of the amazing Write 31 Days readers who are supporting nearly 2,000 writers this October! To enter to win a $500 DaySpring shopping spree, just click on this link & follow the giveaway widget instructions. Good luck, and thanks for reading!

Do {the WAIT} Big + GIVEAWAY

We're halfway there. And here I am again. Slacking. I need one more day of grace. We are gonna talk about this waiting place stuff, but I'm feeling a different  and short spin at this late hour.

Real life is this // you can plan all the live long day, but in the end, God's plan prevails. I had some big plans this week. Maybe big isn't the right word, but ultimately, I saw this week going a certain way. 

Ha.

 It went nothing like I expected it too. At this point, I think my body has decided that sleep is never going to come, so it might as well just do without. 

This week // work has been crazy. life has been crazy. everything has been crazy. But strangely I would put it in the good kind of crazy category. 

Satan has been intently attacking my calling recently which has really had me in a funk. But something has shifted this week. I feel reassured. I feel stronger. I feel like God is drawing me in deeper to Himself. I feel overwhelming peace.

This waiting place stuff doesn't seem so bad. Ironically, it's feeling kind of fun right now. This month of October in year 2015 is going to be one for the books. It is going to be one that I look back on 20 years from now and think // that is when it all changed. And I'm a-okay with that. Some good change is necessary in this waiting place. 

The more fun, adventurous, spontaneous, exciting, uncharacteristic things I can find to do, the better. Because I am unattached and free to do so many things that I never dreamed I could do. I don't want to waste a single day. I think that's where God is leading me these last two weeks {after we talk about Rachel as promised of course}. God is showing me what it means to wait well. 

Bottom line // it's all about Jesus. My life is all about Jesus. This blog is all about Jesus. 

Let's see where Jesus takes us second half of this journey.  

Also ... SURPRISE ... keep reading. 

     
 

DaySpring.com is celebrating all of the amazing Write 31 Days readers who are supporting nearly 2,000 writers this October! To enter to win a $500 DaySpring shopping spree, just click on this link & follow the giveaway widget instructions. Good luck, and thanks for reading!
 

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

{This blog post is a part of a series called Redeeming the Waiting Place for the Write31Days challenge to write every day in October. You can find links to all posts in my series here. If you're interested, the Write31Days challenge is being taken by hundreds and hundreds of other wonderful bloggers which you can read more of right here. My personal favorite is browsing all the inspirational and Godly women who are blogging under the Inspiration & Faith tab which you can check out as well right here.}

All About That Grace

I need some grace today. I actually rarely give myself grace.

Not in this waiting process. Not in this life. period.

I hold myself to a really high bar of perfection, and when I fail, I give myself anything but grace.

I give myself a hard time. I give myself shame. I give myself lectures. I give myself extra pressure.

I don't know how to give myself grace. I'm usually pretty good at giving grace to others, but I don't allow any for myself.

This isn't the blog post I had planned for today. I had planned to follow up the story of Sarah with Rachel, but instead God is giving me a little lesson in grace.

God doesn't expect us to be perfect. He doesn't expect us to know how to figure this life out. That's what He is here for. That's what He wants for us. To rely on Him. To let Him take the lead. To just follow.

God knows our hearts, and He knows how much I want a husband and family. He is not blind to my heart's desires, but he also knows what's best for me despite my heart's desires.

I think there comes a point in the waiting that you have to give yourself some grace. Do what you gotta do. Grieve. Scream. Cry. Stomp your feet. Get it out. Pull the covers over your head. Just do it. That may or may not be what I'm doing at this exact moment since my life feels in complete disarray tonight. Waiting is hard, and no one is expecting you to do it perfectly. News flash, perfection isn't real. Only Jesus can do perfect.

I'm gonna redeem my waiting place today and give myself some grace. I hope you'll do the same today.

Because today, I'm all about that grace. {& yes, I'm singing that to the tune of a song I am not gonna name. you're welcome.}

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

{This blog post is a part of a series called Redeeming the Waiting Place for the Write31Days challenge to write every day in October. You can find links to all posts in my series here. If you're interested, the Write31Days challenge is being taken by hundreds and hundreds of other wonderful bloggers which you can read more of right here. My personal favorite is browsing all the inspirational and Godly women who are blogging under the Inspiration & Faith tab which you can check out as well right here.}

Sarah Waited

I got a whole lot of love for Sarah. This woman knows roller coaster emotions. She knows fear. She knows uncertainty. She knows control issues. But for real. She knows waiting.

It all began in Genesis 12. God said // I will make you into a great nation and I will bless you; I will make your name great.

Then in chapter 13. God said // Lift up your eyes where you are and look north and south, east and west. All the land that you see I will give to you and your offspring forever.

Chapter 15. Things get real between God and Abraham {I promise I'm getting to Sarah}. God is telling Abraham don't worry, but all Abraham could say was // what can you give me since I remain childless? You have given me no children; so a servant in my household will be my heir.

And then God said nope. It will be your son from your body. Your offspring will exceed the stars in the heavens.

Now I'm no mathematician, but simple math says zero children does not equal limitless stars in the heavens or countless grains of sand on the shore. But God made a promise. A covenant. An unbreakable and binding contract with the holy and living God.

I love Sarah. Because she did the exact thing I would've probably done. She heard God's promise and decided that she could figure this out on her own. She could just give her maidservant to Abraham and voila there's your heir and countless offspring.

How many times do I do this exact thing? I think I can plan out my life better than God. Especially when I think my insufficiencies make it impossible for God to come through with His promise. But the facade of control that I have constructed spins wildly out of control just like Sarah's plan did with Hagar and Ishmael.

But the best part is coming. Genesis 17. God said // As for Sarai your wife, you are no longer to call her Sarai; her name will be Sarah. I will bless her name and will surely give you a son by her. I will bless her so that she will be the mother of nations; kings of peoples will come from her.

And chapter 18 takes the cake. God again told Abraham Sarah would have a son in a year's time, and Sarah laughed. Not only did she laugh but then she lied. I don't know about y'all, but this sounds scary like someone else I know {me raising my hand}.

Have you ever waited for something for ninety years? Yeah, me neither. But when we look at Sarah's life, we don't see a picture of perfection. We see sinfulness. We see human nature. We see us.

Even when we are faithless in the waiting, God is faithful. Even when we doubt, God is certain of His plans. Even when we fear, God gives security. Even when we struggle, God comes alongside of us. 

The redemption of the waiting place comes in the form of God's promises fulfilled. Despite the scheming, planning, controlling, laughing, and lying, God fulfilled His promise to Sarah and Abraham.

Chapter 21. Now the Lord was gracious to Sarah as he had said, and the Lord did for Sarah what He had promised.

God is faithful to keep His promises. So what promises has He made to us?

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight. 

He will be a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path.  

He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. 

The list goes on. God's promises to us are never-ending. We can count on those promises.

God has promised me so much, but one thing I can assure you He has not promised me and that is a husband. Nowhere in the Bible does God promise us any earthly thing, but He does promise us treasures in heaven for kingdom work done in this life.

I'm gonna stand on the promises God has made. And I'm gonna push on to do His work no matter the waiting place I am in.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

{This blog post is a part of a series called Redeeming the Waiting Place for the Write31Days challenge to write every day in October. You can find links to all posts in my series here. If you're interested, the Write31Days challenge is being taken by hundreds and hundreds of other wonderful bloggers which you can read more of right here. My personal favorite is browsing all the inspirational and Godly women who are blogging under the Inspiration & Faith tab which you can check out as well right here.}

Levels of Waiting

In my opinion, there are two different levels of waiting.

Waiting for planned/set moments | level one. Waiting for unknown/wanted moments | level two.

Level one can be tough. I'm thinking along the lines of 9 months to the baby's entrance into the world. Engagement to wedding day. Childhood to graduation day. Now until I get back on a plane to East Asia. First day of school to summer. These are things that will inevitably come. The waiting is a set amount of time. You can count down the days. This can be some crazy, hard waiting.

There's no downplaying that waiting. But ..

Level two has got some intensity to it that I don't even know if I can articulate on here. There's just something about waiting for something that you don't know will ever come. In level one, that baby is gonna come. summer will come. that graduation day will come. But there's not guarantee in level two. You just never know.

That's a whole different kind of waiting. I used to think level one waiting was hard. I really did. I thought graduation from high school would never come. Some days I think summer will never come back again. But there's something about watching those days ticking down on my Days Until app that encourages me. It gives me hope.

There's no Days Until app for a nonexistent husband {or boyfriend, for that matter}. for the end of infertility. for healing. for answered prayers. for the return of a prodigal child. for restoration. for freedom from addiction.

Funny enough. I think of God having a Days Until app for each of us for whatever has us in our waiting place. Because that's the thing. He knows. That's the assurance we have to hold on to. But the thing about His Days Until app is that it isn't a countdown to us getting exactly what we want. God's Days Until app is a countdown to our ultimate understanding whether that is this side of heaven or the other.

He is working all things for our good and His glory. His ways are not my ways, and my thoughts are not His thoughts. He knows each of our days and has them written in His book before one of them has come to be.

This is an opening to two days of looking at the lives of two women who did a whole lot of waiting and not particularly well which ironically sounds like someone else I know {insert emoji with woman raising her hand}. Sarah and Rachel waited. They know what I mean when I say level two waiting. I hope through looking at them a little closer, we can see the goodness of God especially in the waiting.
  

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

{This blog post is a part of a series called Redeeming the Waiting Place for the Write31Days challenge to write every day in October. You can find links to all posts in my series here. If you're interested, the Write31Days challenge is being taken by hundreds and hundreds of other wonderful bloggers which you can read more of right here. My personal favorite is browsing all the inspirational and Godly women who are blogging under the Inspiration & Faith tab which you can check out as well right here.}

Singing in the Wait // Part Two

Seriously. If you haven't gone and listened to Lauren Daigle's full album, I suggest you stop what you are doing right now and find it. It is worth the time and money. Guaranteed. You won't regret it.

Take the time to listen below. I think we've all been in a place where God hasn't moved a mountain we wanted Him to. He didn't part the waters we wanted to walk through. He hasn't given answers as we cried out to Him. But even so. We will trust in Him.

Trust in You
by Lauren Daigle

Letting go of every single dream
I lay each one down at Your feet
Every moment of my wandering
Never changes what You see

I’ve tried to win this war I confess
My hands are weary I need Your rest
Mighty Warrior, King of the fight
No matter what I face, You’re by my side

When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move
When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through
When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You!

Truth is, You know what tomorrow brings
There’s not a day ahead You have not seen
So, in all things be my life and breath
I want what You want Lord and nothing less

When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move
When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through
When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You!

You are my strength and comfort
You are my steady hand
You are my firm foundation; the rock on which I stand

Your ways are always higher
Your plans are always good
There’s not a place where I’ll go, You’ve not already stood

When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move
When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through
When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You!

This song speaks so much truth into my heart and the exact words I need to hear when I'm struggling in this waiting place. 

I always have to trust God. Always. 

God is trustworthy even when He has us in a waiting place. 

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

{This blog post is a part of a series called Redeeming the Waiting Place for the Write31Days challenge to write every day in October. You can find links to all posts in my series here. If you're interested, the Write31Days challenge is being taken by hundreds and hundreds of other wonderful bloggers which you can read more of right here. My personal favorite is browsing all the inspirational and Godly women who are blogging under the Inspiration & Faith tab which you can check out as well right here.}

Weekend Encouragement // Part Two

Let's wait together.
Weekends encourage my heart like nothing else. I hope your heart can be encouraged as well.
In our wait, let's meditate on these words. on this psalm. on the words of God.

Psalm 27

The Lord is my light and my salvation --
whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the stronghold of my life --
of whom shall I be afraid?
When evil men advance against me
to devour my flesh,
when my enemies and my foes attack me,
they will stumble and fall.
Though an army besiege me,
my heart will not fear;
though war break out against me,
even then will I be confident.

One thing I ask of the Lord,
this is what I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the Lord
all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord,
and to seek him in his temple.
For in the day of trouble
he will keep me safe in his dwelling;
he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle
and set me high upon a rock.
Then my head will be exalted
above the enemies who surround me;
at his tabernacle will I sacrifice with shouts
of joy;
I will sing and make music to the Lord.

Hear my voice when I call, O Lord;
be merciful to me and answer me.
My heart says of you, "Seek his face!"
Your face, Lord, I will seek.
Do not hide your face from me,
do not turn your servant away in anger;
you have been my helper.
Do not reject me or forsake me,
O God my Savior.
Though my father and mother forsake me,
the Lord will receive me.

Teach me your way, O Lord;
lead me in a straight path
because of my oppressors.
Do not turn me over to the desire of my foes,
for false witnesses rise up against me, breathing out violence.

I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living.

Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord. 

{**Just as a little extra, that video up above is the song that my best friend, Kayla, and I wrote with/on Psalm 27. It's not great, but it's been a constant reminder for me while I'm learning to redeem this waiting place God has me in.**}

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

{This blog post is a part of a series called Redeeming the Waiting Place for the Write31Days challenge to write every day in October. You can find links to all posts in my series here. If you're interested, the Write31Days challenge is being taken by hundreds and hundreds of other wonderful bloggers which you can read more of right here. My personal favorite is browsing all the inspirational and Godly women who are blogging under the Inspiration & Faith tab which you can check out as well right here.}

When Faith isn't the Problem

Y'all, I got faith out the wazoo. Can I say that in the most humble way possible? Actually, I took a spiritual gifts inventory earlier this year, and it identified faith as one of my primary spiritual gifts. At first, I was a little surprised, but then I started to really think about it.

I've seen God heal my mother from {what all indicators pointed to as} cancer. Complete and total healing. Not once but twice. I've seen God provide money for trip after trip to serve him around the world. Money I didn't have and couldn't have come up with on my own. I've seen miracles with my own two eyes. I've got 10 years worth of prayer journals packed full of answered prayers.

I have no trouble believing in something I can't see. Honestly, it's never been hard for me to believe in God. I have always felt His presence in my life. I have always just trusted that He is there regardless of my feelings. Now hear me when I say, God has very evidently revealed Himself to me through His word, the church, and my everyday life, but what I'm saying is that I've never really been a doubter. I would consider myself an optimist/glass half-full kind of person.

When it comes to waiting, I do not doubt that God will give me an answer. I do not doubt that God's Word is true and that He has a good and perfect plan for my life. I think the big picture comes a little easier to me. It's the little puzzle pieces that I'm waiting on that get me all in a tizzy.

An excerpt from my actual ridiculously humorous unplanned life //

Some money that I was expecting this week didn't come through, and I had already planned to drive home to see my family this weekend. Without the money, I couldn't afford to put any gas in my car. Basically, it would be complicated to find a credit card to put it on. I felt God telling me to just keep driving. My control-freak/OCD/stubborn nature wanted to make a plan. But I just kept feeling this push to keep driving. I had faith that God would get me home on whatever amount of gas that was in my car. Did I feel like this was a hugely impossible thing? Yes. But I also know that what is impossible for man is possible with God.

I know I sound crazy. Yall. I know I am crazy. I am a very self-aware individual. I was driving on E with a healthy amount of faith and fear. This is not like me. I pride myself on always being in control, and I can tell you this was not my ideal situation. Seriously on E.

God and I were having a full-on moment in my car at this point. Half desperation/half tears. I told God that I could run out of gas right there/right then, and I'd still have faith. I wasn't stopping that car. I told him He was gonna have to stop that car, because I wasn't gonna be the girl with no faith. I told him I give up. I give up this facade of control. I told him that regardless of the outcome, I'd still have faith.

And yall. Just as I breathed those words. Just as I said that I give up control, my car started slowing down. I feel my craziness oozing off this page. I know. Then as I sat on the side of the road, I had to make the worst call of all. To my mom. To admit defeat. To admit I don't have anything under control. This was a low point.

But then I restarted my car and made it the next mile to a gas station. I made it.

Let's debrief. This was not the super profound Old Testament "the oil never ran out" moment that I was hoping for. This was a low moment for me, but I realized that I have to keep the faith. I have to let my faith in God carry me through this waiting. Waiting isn't easy for anyone, but I realized in this moment that a lack of faith isn't my problem. My need for control is my problem.

God sure taught me a good lesson last night regardless of how hard it was for me to learn. I gotta cling to faith during this season of waiting. Cling to your faith. Faith will carry us in this waiting place.

Whew. When God sets out to redeem your waiting place, get ready, because He will do just that. Tonight I'm just praying for the faith to take the next step. Just faith for the next step. Whether I can see it or not. I'm gonna use this gift of faith, and take the next step.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

{This blog post is a part of a series called Redeeming the Waiting Place for the Write31Days challenge to write every day in October. You can find links to all posts in my series here. If you're interested, the Write31Days challenge is being taken by hundreds and hundreds of other wonderful bloggers which you can read more of right here. My personal favorite is browsing all the inspirational and Godly women who are blogging under the Inspiration & Faith tab which you can check out as well right here.}

Waiting Versus Stopping

Waiting has legitimately gotten the worst reputation. {And I'm not saying it doesn't deserve it in part} But I'm asking all of us {me especially} to take a moment and consider if waiting is really as bad as we've made it out to be.

I'm a sucker for relationship, marriage, dating, singleness articles floating around the internet. An absolute sucker. I cannot resist clicking and reading. Sometimes it's beneficial. But sometimes most times I would've been better off not reading it.

I've seen at least 10 called "Stop Waiting for a Husband," "I'm not Waiting for a Boyfriend," "Don't Wait," "Why I Stopped Waiting for a Husband," and etc. The list probably goes on and on.

I just need for us to define what kind of waiting I'm talking about here. A few days ago, I shared why I believe we all hate waiting in the context of a waiting room. A waiting room mentality really implies stopping of all else going on. Although waiting can feel like that at times, that's not the kind of waiting I'm doing.

We are all waiting for something. No matter what we are waiting for {job, financial freedom, children, missions, future, healing, answers}, it is incredibly rare that all other parts of our life have to be put on hold. Despite the waiting, we keep living.

Waiting and stopping life are not mutually exclusive. Because if it was, I don't think God would have put wait in the Bible almost 90 times? Yep, I searched it on a Bible tools website. 90 times. 

I am waiting. I'm living my life one day at a time. Being obedient to what He is calling me to do, but still I'm waiting. Not locking myself away in a castle tower sitting on the windowsill keeping watch for my Prince Charming {because we all know I'm done with the Prince thing}. Not shutting down and pushing people away. 

I'm serving in every possible way that I can, because singleness allows me the flexibility and ability to do just that. Yes, I have a problem with saying no, but life as a single gives me the opportunity to say yes to things I might not be able to otherwise. 

Wait. But in the wait, live. While you're living, serve. While you're serving, love. And still wait for the Lord. 

I don't know about any of you poor souls that are actually reading my crazy mess of a blog, but God is already redeeming this waiting place of mine.  

Praise the Lord. 

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

{This blog post is a part of a series called Redeeming the Waiting Place for the Write31Days challenge to write every day in October. You can find links to all posts in my series here. If you're interested, the Write31Days challenge is being taken by hundreds and hundreds of other wonderful bloggers which you can read more of right here. My personal favorite is browsing all the inspirational and Godly women who are blogging under the Inspiration & Faith tab which you can check out as well right here.}

Wait Interrupted

There was a time when I actually felt like I was pretty good at waiting. You see ... I had never been in any form of a relationship with a guy. Sure, I had crushes, but never had any one ever shown interest toward me.

I had no idea what it was like to have a boyfriend {but really ... I still don't}. I had no idea what it was like to feel special, beautiful, wanted, important {and really ... maybe I still don't}. I didn't know what I was missing. I had never met someone whom I thought I could see myself marrying. Waiting was bearable, because I just didn't know. 

Side note soap box // {why do I always feel the need to give these?} Regardless of HOW {yes OR no} God answers my prayers for a husband and family, I'm still technically waiting for an answer. This waiting, in my opinion, is not the same as putting my life on hold just because I'm not married. I am waiting not stopping. Maybe I'll go into that in more detail in a future blog post.

Anyway, back to the waiting. It wasn't until I was twenty-four years old that I actually went on my first "date." And prior to this, I had genuinely convinced myself that I would never go on a date and never get married solely because it was apparent to me that no guy would ever want to go on a date with me or marry me. This is sounding pretty pitiful and that's not my intention. haha. ... moving on. All that to say, it's harder{still possible but harder} to miss/long for something you've never had. Waiting up to this point wasn't so bad.

It wasn't until my wait was interrupted by a boy that things started getting more complicated. I was in uncharted territory having feelings and thoughts that I had honestly never thought I would/could have.

I could see myself marrying this guy.
I have never felt this special in my entire life.
This guy has everything I wanted in a husband. 
Is the wait over?
Is this it?
Has God given me a yes?

Hope had exploded and these thoughts and questions were only the tip of the iceberg for me. But sometimes things just don't work out. Sometimes no matter how hard you try, you have to just let things go when they aren't working like they should be. Sometimes things get more and more complicated leaving you with the hardest decision of all to completely sever ties.

My wait was interrupted with hope. But hope then turned into disappointment. After feeling such hope, going back into my waiting place has been exceptionally challenging. {note//this is when the dwelling really starts to sabotage}

So the struggle is right here. There's no going back to my naivety from before. Now I have to reconfigure my entire view of this waiting place stuff.

Dealing with all of those feelings post-"crazy marriage thoughts" has been harder than I ever thought they would be. Truly they hit me at the strangest moments. Just last night, I woke up in the middle of the night and was suddenly hit with these crazy feelings. Trying to learn from my own blog post yesterday, I decided not to dwell on them. Instead I started reciting the lyrics to one of my favorite hymns.

Great is thy faithfulness
Great is thy faithfulness
Morning by morning
New mercies I see
All I have needed
Thy hand hath provided
Great is thy faithfulness
Lord unto me

This. This truth. If I believe this like I say I do, it should reflect in my life. If God is faithful, He will never leave me or forsake me. If God is faithful, He will stand by His promises.

God is faithful. Even in this waiting place.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

{This blog post is a part of a series called Redeeming the Waiting Place for the Write31Days challenge to write every day in October. You can find links to all posts in my series here. If you're interested, the Write31Days challenge is being taken by hundreds and hundreds of other wonderful bloggers which you can read more of right here. My personal favorite is browsing all the inspirational and Godly women who are blogging under the Inspiration & Faith tab which you can check out as well right here.}

Confession // I'm a Dweller

Like right now. Today. I'm dwelling on the fact that I had this stupid post all written out, and all of google decided to malfunction losing everything I had written. I'm dwelling on what was. On what this post is never gonna be now. On what I won't be able to recreate. It's only bringing me down. way down.

I am a pro at dwelling. And in this waiting place I'm in, it only seems to magnify the dwelling I was already so good at.

Dwelling on the unknown. the future. the possibilities. the hardships. the difficulties. the words someone said to me. or even the words someone didn't say. the situation I'm in. the million and one things running through this crazy brain of mine.

If nothing else, I know how to dwell on things I shouldn't.

I'd like to say that this is a girl thing. But the truth is that it is a sin thing.

I would love to sugar coat this and say it's harmless, but in my waiting place, dwelling can take me to some pretty dark places. It's a lack of control over my thoughts, and God very clearly states in His word over and over again where our thoughts should be.

Philippians 4:8
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable -- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy -- think about such things.

Colossians 3:1-2
Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.

I can sit here and drive myself insane running the same scenario through my brain over and over again. When we are waiting on God, the enemy wants us to dwell on what we don't have. He wants us to dwell on what could have been and what isn't. He wants to paralyze us by helping us dwell in the pity and self-seeking mindset.

I won't allow this. No more. I choose instead to dwell on truth. Choosing to dwell on the truth of God during times of waiting is my number one step toward redeeming this waiting place of mine.

God is for me not against me. God loves me and wants good things for me. God watches over me and protects me. God provides for me and sustains me. God never fails me. He only withholds from me when He knows better, has better things in store, and will receive more glory in a different ending.

Dwelling on truth will redeem our waiting places.

No more lies. Only truth. No more fantasies. Only truth. No more sabotage. Only truth.

Let's choose to dwell on truth today.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

{This blog post is a part of a series called Redeeming the Waiting Place for the Write31Days challenge to write every day in October. You can find links to all posts in my series here. If you're interested, the Write31Days challenge is being taken by hundreds and hundreds of other wonderful bloggers which you can read more of right here. My personal favorite is browsing all the inspirational and Godly women who are blogging under the Inspiration & Faith tab which you can check out as well right here.}

Window into my Waiting Place

What are you waiting on?
What does your waiting place look like?
Is it dark or light?
Is it big or small?
Is it filled with joy or fear?
Is it easy or hard?

Those are hard to answer, you say. Well, let me answer them for you from my perspective real quick.

A husband.
Dingy. Ugly.
Dark.
Claustrophobic.
Fear.
Hard.

That's how I currently see/feel about my waiting place.

But my goal in this 31 day challenge is to push the borders out. Tear down those tiny, little walls. Take a sledge hammer to that ceiling bearing down on me. Open up the windows and let the fresh air and sunshine flow in and around me. Send that fear back where it belongs in the pit of hell. & take a deep sigh of relief that what was once hard and painful has become a place of rest and solace.

I'm here to allow God to redeem my waiting place.

Just to put a name to my current waiting place // it's singleness. Before I get too far into this challenge, let me give a little disclaimer. I honestly and fully believe that it is possible for God's plan for my life to always include singleness. I am completely aware that this could be my forever waiting place. That is something that I have to address as a part of redeeming my waiting place. If I'm gonna be in this forever, I'd hate to look back and think I wasted so much time just sitting around waiting for God to drop a husband {who does not exist) in my lap. And even so, if it is God's plan for me to marry, I want to ensure that I step out of this waiting place knowing that I made the most of it and God was glorified.

Our waiting places don't define us though. I have jumped on this soapbox many times in the past, and this is no exception. I will not allow any earthly label/thing define me. Only Jesus has the right to do that. This is why I feel so strongly about redeeming the waiting place. I'm tired of sitting in the dark commiserating my woes. If I'm gonna be camping out in this waiting place for awhile, I might as well start decorating, working on the layout, adding some pillows ... instead of pacing a sterile, concrete box anticipating my breakout moment. 

The truth is ... waiting definitely seems to get harder with each day that passes. I can't be the only one who feels this way.  But I'm diving in headfirst to this waiting mess and hopefully in the end, something {dare I say, Me?} will come out beautiful.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

{This blog post is a part of a series called Redeeming the Waiting Place for the Write31Days challenge to write every day in October. You can find links to all posts in my series here. If you're interested, the Write31Days challenge is being taken by hundreds and hundreds of other wonderful bloggers which you can read more of right here. My personal favorite is browsing all the inspirational and Godly women who are blogging under the Inspiration & Faith tab which you can check out as well right here.}

Singing in the Wait // Part One

Forget singing in the rain. I'm gonna sing in the wait.

Lauren Daigle has been my worship/quiet time/night time jam here lately. And I'm not even cool enough to use words like {jam}. Listening to these words as I go to sleep every night has brought so much peace to my turmoil. Jesus knows exactly what I need to hear when I need to hear it. I pray that you will take the time to read these lyrics and listen to this beautiful song. 

I will run and not grow weary

I will walk, I will not faint
I will soar on wings like eagles
Find my rest in Your everlasting name

You are my revival
Jesus on You I wait
I'll lean on Your promise
You will renew my strength

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

{This blog post is a part of a series called Redeeming the Waiting Place for the Write31Days challenge to write every day in October. You can find links to all posts in my series here. If you're interested, the Write31Days challenge is being taken by hundreds and hundreds of other wonderful bloggers which you can read more of right here. My personal favorite is browsing all the inspirational and Godly women who are blogging under the Inspiration & Faith tab which you can check out as well right here.}

Weekend Encouragement // Part One

WAIT

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried,
Quietly, patiently, lovingly God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate,
And the Master so gently said, "Child, you must wait."

"Wait? You say, wait! " my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By Faith, I have asked, and am claiming your Word.

My future and all to which I can relate
Hangs in the balance, and YOU tell me to WAIT?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.

And Lord, You promised that if we believe
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord, I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply!

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate
As my Master replied once again, "You must wait."
So, I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting ... for what?"

He seemed, then, to kneel, and His eyes wept with mine,
And he tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens, and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead, and cause mountains to run.

All you seek, I could give, and pleased you would be.
You would have what you want - But, you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of My love for each saint;
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.

You'd not learn to see through the clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there;
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence were all you could see.

You'd never experience that fullness of love
As the peace of My Spirit descends like a dove;
You'd know that I give and I save... (for a start),
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

The glow of My comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight,
The depth that's beyond getting just what you asked
Of an infinite God, who makes what you have LAST.

You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that "My grace is sufficient for Thee."
Yes, your dreams for your loved one overnight would come true,
But, Oh, the Loss! If I lost what I'm doing in you!

So, be silent, My Child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to get to know Me.
And though oft may My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still, "WAIT."


Author unknown

*** I wish I knew who wrote this, because I would probably throw my arms around their neck and squeeze real tight. Since I don't know who wrote it, I guess I'll just have to give an extra hug to the amazing woman who has been my encourager and cheerleader from the moment she met me and just sent this nugget of gold poem to me the other night.***

All that to say, God puts people in our path to encourage us in our seasons of waiting. Seek those people out and thank God for them. I know I am thanking God for Mrs. Elwanda Shook today. 

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

{This blog post is a part of a series called Redeeming the Waiting Place for the Write31Days challenge to write every day in October. You can find links to all posts in my series here. If you're interested, the Write31Days challenge is being taken by hundreds and hundreds of other wonderful bloggers which you can read more of right here. My personal favorite is browsing all the inspirational and Godly women who are blogging under the Inspiration & Faith tab which you can check out as well right here.}

Why We All Hate Waiting

No one likes waiting rooms. Just think about it. This summer I had a super negative experience in a waiting room. You know, these days, there are 20 doctors all sharing one waiting room, so we are talking about a lot of people all stuffed into one small waiting room. I was more than on time. I was early for my appointment. I filled out the paperwork mostly unaware of the other people in the waiting room. After turning everything in {paperwork, insurance, etc}, I started to notice faces and take note of the people alone, the loud ones, the quirky ones. I decided to take my mind off the fact that I was waiting and pulled out a book to distract me. I was doing okay for a while, but then one after the other, every single person in that waiting room got called. In the beginning, I reassured myself that they were probably all being called for different doctors than me. That pacified me for a little while. Not for long. But then. People who came in AFTER me starting getting called back. At this point, I started getting antsy.

Why have I not been called?
What could possibly be taking so long?
Did I miss my name?
Was I forgotten altogether? 

There wasn't an interesting enough book on the planet that was gonna distract me from the fact that two hours had passed and my name was yet to be called. I am hugely non-confrontational, so you know if I confront someone/thing, it's gotten serious. I walked up to the desk and //politely// asked what on earth was going on. She assured me that it wouldn't be much longer. By this point, I was internally distraught. My mind racing about all the things I needed to be doing. All the places I had to get to afterwards. All the time I was wasting sitting there WAITING.

What in the world is happening right now?
Where is he?
Why is this so unfair?
Does anybody see what I'm going through right now?

Finally, my name was called. Once I got back into the exam room, almost all of my anxiety dissipated, but I still didn't understand why on earth I had to wait so long. It wasn't until the doctor came in and started talking that I understood. He asked me a million and one questions. Some pertinent to my medical issues. Some completely unrelated and just out of what seemed like curiosity or something. He took the time to talk to me and truly try and get to know me as a person. He wanted to know the full story of what brought me in to see him. He didn't just want to treat the symptoms but the full issue. It was like a light bulb coming on.

So there had been a reason for my waiting.
I hadn't been forgotten.
I hadn't been waiting for nothing.

Waiting stinks. Have you ever had those questions run through your mind when you're waiting? Maybe God has forgotten about me. Maybe He didn't even hear me. Maybe He doesn't care. Maybe He isn't going to call my name. Maybe He will never come through for me. Maybe He's gonna leave me here in this waiting place forever.

Those are lies straight from Satan. And I rebuke them for both you and me.

God sees us in the waiting. God knows our hearts. He wants to sit beside us in the waiting place and put an arm around our shoulders. He wants to embrace us and calm our anxious hearts. He wants to place a hand on our bouncing knee. He wants to quiet us with His presence and show us meaning in the waiting.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

{This blog post is a part of a series called Redeeming the Waiting Place for the Write31Days challenge to write every day in October. You can find links to all posts in my series here. If you're interested, the Write31Days challenge is being taken by hundreds and hundreds of other wonderful bloggers which you can read more of right here. My personal favorite is browsing all the inspirational and Godly women who are blogging under the Inspiration & Faith tab which you can check out as well right here.}

31 Days // Redeeming the Waiting Place

I wasn't going to do this blogging challenge this year. I just wasn't. Last year was hard and draining. Not only that but I was wracking my brain to come up with a topic and kept coming up empty on the idea front. I took that as my sign from God and just pushed the thought to the back of my mind.

Since I'm in the process of re-brainstorming my blog space aka my little corner of the internet, I recently just started writing and drawing out a breakdown of my blog's purpose, goal, audience, and meaning as well as a few unique tidbits in regards to my own life. It was the craziest thing last week as I laid in bed with words swirling through my mind. It was almost as if God just placed this topic right into my hands like a treasured gift that He wants to share through me.

I immediately jumped back into the challenge of blogging for 31 days again. Am I crazy? Most definitely. Do I trust God to use this for my good and His glory? Absolutely. So this is it. This is me taking on the Write31Days challenge.

Back to my topic. When I started thinking about some of the central areas of concentration of topics, the one that jumped off the page was waiting. I am currently in a season of intensely difficult waiting. Yet the Lord gave me one incredible thought. Redeeming the Waiting Place. Waiting can easily get a real bad reputation in the Christian community, because waiting quickly seems less like waiting and more like God saying no. Or not listening. Or not answering. Or not caring. Satan wants us to waste our waiting  but God wants us to utilize our waiting. In the next 31 {technically 30} days, I want to redeem the waiting place and our view of it. I want to revolutionize our thinking when it comes to waiting and how we can make the absolute most out of our waiting place.

Join me on this journey. This journey isn't just for singles waiting for marriage. It's for everyone who has ever waited and will have to wait in the future. It's for those who are waiting for a child. Either through pregnancy or adoption. It's for those who are waiting for answers. Those who are waiting for healing. Those who are waiting for acceptance. Those who are waiting for restoration. Those who are waiting for confirmation. Those who are waiting for the next season. Those who are waiting for adulthood. Those who are waiting for graduation. Those who are waiting for the next big thing. This journey is for anyone who is waiting.

No one is exempt from waiting. No one.

I have no plan {shocking, I know} set up for the next 31 days. I have no idea what each week or post is gonna look like. I just know I'm stepping out on faith and trusting God to give me the words. So let's see where God leads as I seek to redeem my/our waiting place(s).

one // Redeeming the Waiting Place. You're here.
two // Why We All Hate Waiting
three // Weekend Encouragement {part one}
four // Singing in the Wait {part one}
five // Window into my Waiting Place
six // Confession // I'm a Dweller
seven // Wait Interrupted
eight // Waiting versus Stopping
nine // When Faith isn't the Problem
ten // Weekend Encouragement {part two}
eleven // Singing in the Wait {part two}
twelve // Levels of Waiting
thirteen // Sarah Waited
fourteen // All About That Grace
fifteen // Do {the WAIT} Big + GIVEAWAY
sixteen // What New Orleans Traffic Taught Me About Waiting
seventeen // Weekend Encouragement {part three}
eighteen // Singing in the Wait {part three}
nineteen // Waiting Well
twenty // Just Reach Out
twenty one // Waiting for Rain in this Drought
twenty two // Rachel Waited
twenty three // Worship Through Waiting
twenty four // Weekend Encouragement {part four}
twenty five // Singing in the Wait {part four}
twenty six // Waiting with Gratitude
twenty seven // Struggles in the Waiting
twenty eight // Be Real in the Waiting
twenty nine // Waiting is Better than Settling
thirty // One Day the Waiting will be Over
thirty one // 31 Days Later {Year Two}

How to Help a Friend Who's Hurting

We are human. We hurt. For goodness sake, I hurt. I've been thinking a lot lately about what it looks like to be a good friend especially in seasons of hurting. 

Everybody knows someone who is hurting. & for that matter, I think I can venture out to say that we have all gone through seasons of hurting.

Some "hurts" definitely hurt more than others, but hurting is hurting in my book. Hurting from losing a loved one, from getting bad news, health issues, bad grades, a busy schedule, lack of community, loss of a friendship, a break-up, family problems, the state of the world we live in. All of these things plus more can leave us hurting.

I've been hurting lately. For about a year to be completely honest here. A hurt that comes in ebbs and flows. A hurt that I'm embarrassed of and don't really want people to know about. Hurt over the confusion, chaos, drama, and ultimate loss of the prospect of the one thing I've been longing for as long as I can remember.

I feel like we are all pretty hesitant to admit when we are hurting. Maybe we will seem weak. Maybe we will be found wanting. And maybe we're right. But I think deep down we all just want to be understood and comforted when we are hurting, don't we?

Through my season of hurting, I have reached out. I have shared my hurt. I have tried to release it, spiritualize it, suppress it, rebuke it, deny it, embrace it. You name it. I've tried it. But I'm still hurting.

I have tried to talk about my hurt, and I've been met with a wide variety of responses. And not all of which have been beneficial or helpful. I think there are good and not so good ways to respond to a friend who is hurting. I don't intend to guilt anyone or pretend I've got this all figured out, because that is not my intention at all. My intention is to make you think like I've been thinking about how we can respond to those hurting in our lives. This has really come about more from having people close to me who are hurting and wanting to really be a good friend to them during this time.

These are in no particular order and are likely to jump around. Stay with me.

Let's not give spiritual band-aids. When I tell you that I'm hurting. When I tell you that my heart is broken. When I tell you I'm confused. When I tell you that I don't understand what God is doing. Giving me a church answer of // trust God // {no matter how true and right it is} does not cut it. Like what? Really? I hadn't thought of that yet. {strong sarcasm} If we're dealing with a friend who is hurting, telling them things they already know but are struggling through is likely going to just make them feel guilty for how they are feeling and add to the hurt.

Instead of giving that spiritual band-aid, why not just ask how you can pray for them? why not just listen? why not just ask them how you can be there for them during this time? why not just ask genuine questions to get to the root of the issue instead of trying to brush past it with that spiritual band-aid?

Let's not preach/lecture or really express any strong feelings of disapproval. As a friend, it is possible and likely that out of concern and love and desire to protect that we will take a strong stance of disapproval about said area of hurting. We can take that stance all we want on the inside and have every right to that stance, but I think consulting God through prayer for discernment on how to express our concern appropriately is a better option than alienating our friend from ever wanting to share their hurt with us again. The reality is we don't really know our friend's personal relationship/conversation with God or what exactly they are going through/feeling. We are all unique in how we deal with and process hurt.

Instead of coming at them with your guns blazing, you-know-what's-best attitude, think about a time that you have been hurting and just wanted someone to understand and support. Think about how you can phrase your concern in a way that makes them feel like they aren't crazy or stupid for hurting. Think about how you would feel if you were in their shoes.

This isn't rocket science. And when I started writing this, I really thought I had more points than the two main ones I ended up with. It doesn't matter how many points I make though, I just think we {myself included} could all use a refresher on how to be a good friend when a friend is hurting. I know I need this. I hope that I am a friend who people know they can be honest and open with. Goodness knows my personal area of weakness is that  I am so guilty of trying to fix things when I have a friend who is hurting. And nobody is asking me to fix their hurt. I need pretty consistent reminders to stop trying to fix it. Instead of thinking I know how to help, I think the best route is to let God first and foremost lead me on how to help them but also the hurting friend who personally knows what will help and what won't.

Just the other night, I called my mom just to basically tell her I was hurting. I prefaced the whole conversation with // hey, I don't need a lecture // and for your inner circle people, that may be all you need to say. I just wanted to be able to say I'm hurting and here's why without getting the top 10 reasons I shouldn't feel the way that I do. I'm thankful to have so many people in my life already who do support/have supported me through this season of hurting.

In all honesty, I don't know what I need to do to move past my broken heart. If I did, I would've done it already. You're not gonna find any spiritual band-aids here. But I just continue to take one step after the other, stay grounded in God's Word, and be open to sharing my hurt.

I challenge you that if you are hurting, reach out. Find somebody you can trust, tell them what they can do to help. Whether that's a hug, a daily check-in, silence, prayer, etc. Whatever it is. If you don't know what will help your hurting, talk to God. Ask him. He will show you.

Because I must say that even though I say to reach out, what I know to be true is that God is the only place we will find true healing for our hurting. Can He use people in our life to help bring healing? Absolutely. But let's not neglect taking our hurt to the Healer. He wants to walk us through this. Let him walk you through your hurting. I just have to stop here and be thankful that He walks me through this.

So ... how can I pray for you?

Let's Get Real / / Hair Edition

Getting your hair cut should not be this serious. It just shouldn't. But it's me here that we're talking about. And I had to write this blog post the day before I chopped off my hair just so it would feel more real and I could actually go through with it. Accountability at its finest. No regrets, right?

Things are about to get real, and if I had to put a dollar in a jar for every time I have said // you're about to think I'm crazy // on this blog or in person, I would have saved up enough money to go on a cruise by now{can you tell I've been daydreaming this summer?}.

It's about to get crazy on this blog. Crazy real life. I know that if it sounds crazy to me, it is going to be even crazier to all you people out there that actually read this mess of a blog. Side note // my latest phrase to describe my life which I picked up on KLove just last week is {the hot mess express}. So welcome aboard. Enjoy the ride.

If this were an award show, I would be getting the award for being convicted about the strangest things. Recently at the top of this conviction list. My hair. I love my hair. Call me prideful. Call me shallow. Call me vain. But I love my hair. From the fat kid who has never been a beauty queen, I have felt I deserved at least this one thing. Just this one thing. Great hair. I especially love my hair when it's long. I can braid it. I can curl it. I can do beach waves. I can do a messy bun. The trendy phrase that started not too long ago / / "long" hair don't care / /  Never was there such truth. My long hair don't care, but I do. I care more than I would want anyone to ever know.

I first discovered this problem in college. Middle of sophomore year. But at that point, it wasn't that big of a deal to me and I just didn't really care as much. Because I was still young and not anticipating getting married anytime soon {I'll get back to this in a second}. Next stop. Middle of grad school. Between year one and year two of grad school. This was when things got real. So I'm sure by now you're thinking what is it with your hair? Who cares? I know. I know. I hear you. But here are my thoughts {as stupid and unfounded as they are}. I have for many years found my worth and beauty in my long hair. I cannot even honestly tell you why that is. I just feel in my mind and my heart my hair is the only thing of beauty I have going for me. If you want to throw in even more of a trainwreck in there, let's just also talk about the fact that I've always pictured myself getting married with my hair long and curled. It's just this expectation and hope that I've always clung to. Back in grad school {at the age that I always thought I would get married when I was growing up}, chopping off my hair was hard and almost physically hurt as much as it did emotionally. Life went on.

And here I am three years later with my hair at the exact length I love it at. Long, easy, functional. Maybe even, dare I say, beautiful. I don't want to cut my hair. But I will. Because I value my relationship and intimacy with God far more than my earthly beauty or favor.

"Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised." Proverbs 31:30 {NIV}

How many times have you heard this verse? Probably enough times to make you want to roll your eyes. You know when you've been told something or read something so many times that you become numb to it and forget its true meaning? Sometimes I feel that way about this verse. But charming girls get ahead in this world. But beautiful girls get husbands. I think I want to be charming and beautiful, but the more I strive for those things, the bigger the void in my heart grows. When I seek after the Lord, the void closes. God specifically placed those words in Proverbs for us, ladies, because He knew in his infinite knowledge that we would need to be constantly reminded. My value and my worth. Your value and your worth are not to be measured by earthly scales but only by His. I am valuable and worthy. You are valuable and worthy because you are created in the image of God.

"So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them." Genesis 1:27 {NIV}

He formed me. He formed you to reflect His image not the world's expectations.

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; you works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body." Psalm 139: 13-16 {NIV}

What I know is that we were never meant to find our value or worth in this world, in people, in our appearance, or even our hair. I know this and believe this. Putting it into action is my next step. I believe my worth and my value is in God not my hair.
Do you know that today? Do you know how valuable you are in God's eyes? Do you know that He sees you as you? Not for your height, weight, appearance but for you. He loves you and is jealous for you.

The Joy of the Lord is my Strength

That's the JOY of the LORD. Not the joy of Jenna. And not the joy of the world.

Things have been good. Not because of me or because life has suddenly stopped having problems. But because I have had so much truth spoken to me by loved ones and more importantly God here recently. As we walk this path, this road of life, there will be scary things on the way. There will be hard things. There will be times when you will want to just quit.

BUT the joy of the Lord is our strength.

This last year has been one of the hardest of my life for so many different reasons. Including but not limited to ... moving out of my parent's house, going it alone in a brand new city especially one as big as NOLA, financial hardships, work stress, extra jobs, health/weight issues, personal struggles, and all the other regular stressors in my life. 

Throw on top of that my mom called me on April 22 to tell me that her annual mammogram came back with abnormal results aka cancer. I already know Jan is going to read this, so I might as well just specifically address her while I'm at it. Jan, you scared the crap out of me. You are my best friend. Imagining life without you was unbearable. I know that was extreme, and I know that nothing had been confirmed whatsoever. But in that moment, the world stopped spinning. It was like everything froze. I wanted to be strong for you and allow you to not have to be strong for all of us, but I was dying on the inside.

I know what you're all thinking.Where was my joy then? Where was my strength then? Being a Christian is not a get-out-of-hard-times-free card. It was an immediate get on my knees and pray moment. I'm not saying that I felt like jumping for joy, because I didn't, but amidst the million other stressors in my head, life went on. Some may have read my post about one day and while it wasn't directly pertaining to this, it was part of my thoughts when writing it. Everything changed in that moment. The way I looked at the world and my surroundings were different. Nothing took my mind off of our new potential reality. And nothing seemed as important as it did in light of the news. Although my world had changed, God had not.

It was in the following weeks that I had to completely surrender the fear, the unknown, the anxiety, the everything. Was it easy? Absolutely not. Did it get me through those insanely hard moments? Most definitely. With each hard conversation or day of waiting for another test/result, God showed me what it looked like to find my joy in him. If it had been up to me, I would've crawled in my bed, pulled the covers over my head, and hidden from the world.

Realizing my joy could only come from the Lord gave me the strength I needed to keep going. To wake up the next day. Oh the comfort and peace I found in Nehemiah 8:10b. "And do not be grieved, for the joy of the Lord is your strength" {NIV}. You may call it irony, but I call it divine planning ... each year as I pick out my planner for the next year, I prayerfully choose a verse to put on my cover as a type of goal/year/encouragement verse. No surprise what it was:

To conclude the story: Despite the indicators and the signs pointing to it being cancer, all ending results/tests came back all clear. Praise the Lord. But can I also say that had it been cancer like so many other families face on a daily basis, do you know what my response would have been? Praise the Lord. I can tell you that Jan dittos those feelings as well. We trust in a God who is bigger than cancer, so I say again, Praise the Lord.

I Make Me Crazy

It's easy to put the blame elsewhere, isn't it? She makes me crazy. He makes me crazy. They make me crazy. You are making me crazy. It's always about someone else. That's a cop-out. I make me crazy.

I've caught myself making these exact statements a lot, and it has been eye-opening to see the truth of the matter and the proper pronoun usage is I.

We girls especially have a tendency to pretend that we have no control over our thoughts, emotions, & feelings, but the hard truth is that if we don't control them, who will? No overly spiritual answers here. God controls all things, but there is also a thing called free will and sin which allows us the choice to dwell in all those feelings {etc} or not. That's the point I'm at. What will I choose to do today?

I can blame whoever I want, but the the only blame I can truly find is on myself. I can't control what other people say, do, think, or whatever; however, I am the only one who can control those things in myself.

I say all of this because lately I've felt like the champion of losing all control of my emotions. More times than I can count, God has convicted me with 2 Corinthians 10:5b. "We take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ" {NIV}.

Am I going to take captive those thoughts? Or am I going to allow them to run rampant as they wish? Not taking those thoughts captive is a very dangerous thing. At least I know it is for me. It becomes all I can think about. And don't we all know that what we think about affects out attitude, our mood, our service. Yep, basically everything. I'm so guilty of this. But I'm so tired of allowing my circumstances and thoughts to have control. God has too great of plans for my life for me to waste even a second of it. God has equipped me with His Word to prepare me for this battle. I have to fight back. I will "take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ."

No super profound thoughts here tonight. I just look back on my "single" years {which I technically only count from 21 to present considering I've always been single}, and I wonder how things might have been different had I learned this lesson earlier.

Better now than never. I'll never stop thanking God for the lessons He is teaching me during this season no matter how long it lasts.