Life takes unexpected turns. We all have expectations. These expectations aren’t necessarily bad. We expect that if we do good things, we will get good things. We expect to find love. We expect to get married. We expect to have children. We expect to get a good job. We expect to buy a house. We expect to have our parents with us until they’re 100 years old. More often than not, we expect life to go as we plan.
Most of 2018 has been exceptional. It has been filled with travel, new experiences, friendship, Disneyland, New York City, hope, fun, excitement, and a whole lot of Jesus. Jesus has been the best part. But there was a low moment. A lowest of lows, dark, incredibly difficult, deeply painful moment. It had less to do with the circumstances or cause and more to do with the questions I had for God following it.
I don’t intend to be heretical whatsoever here. My intention is just to start an open discussion that might not be widely talked about. I had so many questions for God.
God, how can you be good when this doesn’t feel good? How can you be kind when this situation has caused the deepest pain? How can you be faithful when I feel like I’ve tried my best to do the right things/to be the good girl yet I’m still in this place with no answer?
From a girl who grew up in the church having believed in God my whole life, these were not questions I had ever had before. Through my questions, I found myself wondering where God was in my pain. I didn’t know how to process my hurt when I felt like God owed it to me to protect me from this. God was pushing the boundaries of my faith, and I was holding on for dear life.
You see, I believe God with every fiber of my being. I believe He exists. I believe He created us and this entire universe. I believe that He is able to do all things. Even the impossible. I believed all of this then, and I believe all of this now. The problem was figuring out how I could hold my belief that God can do anything and the reality that He chose not to do anything in this situation.
When everything in me wanted to run, I clung to the Word. I made the conscious decision to dig my heels in even harder. I was not gonna let the enemy win in this situation. Of one thing I was certain: The enemy was not going to win. I was not going to let Satan’s lies replace the truth I have always known:
God is good. God is kind. God is faithful.
For the next 31 days, I want to share the process God invited me into to rediscover who He is based on Scripture and not cultural Christianity. I set out to rediscover God. That He is who He says He is. That He will do what He says He will do. That He will fulfill His promises. I am currently coming out on the other side with the most peace and hope that I’ve ever known, because God has used and is still using this process to grow my faith and continue to teach me full reliance on Him through every season.
As always, I am completely unsure of where God is going with this or who else needs to hear what God has taught me and is currently teaching me through this difficult season. I can assure you that I am praying for God’s words to be typed on this page and for His ultimate purposes to prevail through me and this writing series.
This blog post is a part of a series called Rediscovering God for the Write31Days challenge to write every day in October. You can find links to all posts in my series here. If you want to know more about the Write31Days challenge, you can find out more at www.write31days.com. As the series goes on, each new blog post will be linked below. Check back here for updates.
one // 31 Days to Rediscovering God
two // Know Your Enemy
three // For Those Who Have Experienced Grief
four // Let’s Start With Why
five // 5 Lies I Believed
six // Weekend Recommendation Pt. 1
seven // Songs for the Soul Pt. 1
eight // God Never Changes
nine // God is Good
ten // When Things Don’t Go As Planned
eleven // God is Just
twelve // God is Kind
thirteen // Weekend Recommendation Pt. 2
fourteen // Songs for the Soul Pt. 2
fifteen // God Gives Us What We Need
sixteen // God is Healer
seventeen // God is Faithful
eighteen // God is Not Silent
nineteen // God is Love
twenty // Weekend Recommendation Pt. 3
twenty one // Songs for the Soul Pt. 3