Since I started this series on Rediscovering God, it makes sense that I am reliving the moments of this year that have led me here. While that can certainly weigh heavy on me and could put a halt to this process, I have instead chosen to see those experiences in hindsight.
We all know in the moment of desperation or even fear, we freeze up. We are paralyzed. We feel bombarded with unanswered questions. This was my situation. While I was praying fervently every night that the Lord would show me why this happened, I still felt like everything around me was cloudy and confused.
One of the worst parts of this situation was being angry with God. Wanting to express my anger in a healthy way. Wanting to communicate with him my heartache. And just wanting to know why. Instead of clear answers and miraculous understanding, I heard nothing. I felt nothing. God didn’t feel kind at all. Part of me even felt that what I endured was just plain mean.
That was until I started writing. God started bringing things to my mind that He had done in preparation for, in the midst of, and in the aftermath of this situation. And his kindness flooded my soul. Honestly to the point of tears. Several weeks even possibly months prior to this situation, I felt the Lord compelling me to go back to counseling (maybe there needs to be a post one day on what an advocate I am for everyone / yes everyone / going to counseling). I did it, and that, in and of itself, was an amazing kindness of God. It prepared my heart and mind for something I had no way of knowing was coming.
In the the deepest parts of the situation, I had a friend sit beside me and let me cry. I had family who encouraged me and reminded me of how much they loved me and were praying for me. What kindness of God that He surrounded me with these people in my time of need. He didn’t leave me alone like I briefly thought He did. He even continued to lavish His kindness on me after it was said and done by reminding me of the passion of my life and His movement in my life from day one until now.
Even in the most recent days, I am experiencing God’s kindness through extra hugs from my kids with special needs at school. I have had a church family who talks about what is looks like to suffer well. What felt mean at first now looks like such kindness. Sure, God could have stopped it all from happening. He could have held me down and protected me. Or He could show me an even greater kindness through His Word, His people, and His provisions.
I am truly baffled by the change in my heart in this situation. I am continually thanking the Lord for choosing to show me now. For helping me to see things that I couldn’t see then. You know when you are too close to something, it is impossible to read it. But when you back up and get a good distance away, voila. It is suddenly so clear. That’s how this feels. God is so kind to me. His kindness is shown in His patience with me in dealing with this.
He has been kind. He is kind. He will always be kind. It is a part of His nature. If God doesn’t feel kind right now, or the situations you are in don’t feel very kind. Know that it’s the situation distorting God. God remains kind despite the fallenness and brokenness of our world. He will show us His kindness even in the darkest of night. Believe it.
This blog post is a part of a series called Rediscovering God for the Write31Days challenge to write every day in October. You can find links to all posts in my series here. If you want to know more about the Write31Days challenge, you can find out more at www.write31days.com.