When I was a teenager, I made very poor decisions on occasion. Possibly more than just on occasion, but that’s beside the point. Diaryland was one of those poor decisions. It was very similar to a blog but in the hands of a teenage girl. What a terrible idea. I aired out every issue and problem I had with full details on that online diary. Things that never should have been published on the internet. I disclosed things that were not honoring to the people in my life.
To that point, I wish I could replay for all of you the horrific details of my dark moment just to give you insight into where I’m coming from and how incredibly difficult it really was, but God has thankfully given me some wisdom over the years. I never want to use my words on this blog to dishonor anyone in my life. And while the circumstances that led me to this moment were brought on by something very specific, my pain and suffering since had been brewing to this unavoidable boiling point long before this happened.
All that to say, I experienced what felt like a knife being driven into my heart. Not by a person, but by God’s silence. I wept for a long time. I wrestled with it. I tried so hard to put on my adult pants and get over it. I really tried. But I kept coming back to the same question: Why, God? Why? I could see bits and pieces of the truth, but the pain was blinding. I couldn’t hold it together anymore.
And God was there. He wasn’t asking me to hold it together. He said, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” (Mt. 11:28-30)
He wants us to come to Him with our anger, our hurt, our pain, and our suffering. He is not blind to it. He sees us. He has promised us this in Isaiah 43:1-2-3:
When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
For I am the Lord your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior
Even though it felt like I was walking through that very fire mentioned in Isaiah, God was faithful and did not allow me to be burned. He grieved with me. He felt my pain, and it grieved Him. I hope someone else who needs to hear that is reading this: He is grieving with you. He is so grieved by your pain. He hurts for you. He does not take pleasure in your suffering, but instead He asks you to come to HIm. He asks you to let Him comfort you.
I don’t have the answer to my why yet, and I may never have the answer. What I do know is that God met me in my grief. He held me. He let me cry. He encouraged me. He put people in my life to pray for me. He allowed me to speak freely and to work through my hurt. He met me where I was, and He is still walking me through. He will always see me through.
He’s there for you too. He wants to envelop you in His presence and love. He knows what you’re feeling. He knows how much it all hurts. He watched as His only Son was tortured and crucified. He knows grief, and He wants to see you through it. Let him. I can honestly say He’s the only way I’ve come out on the other side. Trust Him.
This blog post is a part of a series called Rediscovering God for the Write31Days challenge to write every day in October. You can find links to all posts in my series here. If you want to know more about the Write31Days challenge, you can find out more at www.write31days.com.