Weekend Recommendation Pt. 2

If there were ever a book to articulate the difficulties, the sorrows, the pains, the heartache, and also the joys of this season of life, this is that book. I love Annie F. Downs. I have loved her since before I even read her books, but I love her even more once I had read her books. Once I had heard her honesty. Once I had realized that someone else understood.

I know that many people try to understand how it feels to be one of the very few people not getting what everyone else speaks of as God’s greatest blessing (more on that another time). Finally, someone who understands. Someone who is ahead of me in this journey and is learning lessons ahead of me. Someone who is doing the hard work so that her sister coming behind her might better walk this path with grace and love.

“This story of His kindness, the one I”m about to tell you, WILL have an ending. And by the time we get there, God will have done it all, and I will know it and you will know it. And we will never forget Him. Remember that. Remember God.”

— Annie F. Downs

Recommendation #2 Remember God by Annie F. Downs. I am forever thankful for the bravery of Annie and for her writing books that are so transparent and life-giving. I listened to the audiobook as Annie read it and wept. You’re probably realizing that I’ve cried a lot this year. And I have. I’ve cried tears of sorrow, tears of confusion, tears of joy, and tears of thankfulness. I have cried to let myself feel and have the freedom to let emotions come as they are needed.

This book spoke to a very deep need in my soul to be seen in my struggle. To be reminded that God sees me in this heartache and that He is showing me the way to go in love and kindness. He spoke directly to my heart through this book.

I have two things to say about this book. 1) I am sure there is some dark place that every one has experienced at one time or another. And I am sure that every one has wondered what God was doing with their life and what the plans actually are. You will certainly come away from this book assured to remember God for who He is and what He is doing right now.

2) I am single and can only view this from a single perspective, so I don’t know if everyone else will be as deeply impacted by this book as I was. But if nothing else, I think the church could do with some empathy lessons on how it feels to be single in Christian culture. This book can provide insight into just how hard it is and how you can come alongside us.

I am deeply thankful for this book and the impact it has had on me. Go find Remember God by Annie F. Downs at your local bookstore or get it on Amazon for only $11. I’d love to know what other people think of the book. Has it impacted you as much as it has me?

♥︎Jenna

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This blog post is a part of a series called Rediscovering God for the Write31Days challenge to write every day in October. You can find links to all posts in my series here. If you want to know more about the Write31Days challenge, you can find out more at www.write31days.com.

God is Kind

Since I started this series on Rediscovering God, it makes sense that I am reliving the moments of this year that have led me here. While that can certainly weigh heavy on me and could put a halt to this process, I have instead chosen to see those experiences in hindsight.

We all know in the moment of desperation or even fear, we freeze up. We are paralyzed. We feel bombarded with unanswered questions. This was my situation. While I was praying fervently every night that the Lord would show me why this happened, I still felt like everything around me was cloudy and confused.

One of the worst parts of this situation was being angry with God. Wanting to express my anger in a healthy way. Wanting to communicate with him my heartache. And just wanting to know why. Instead of clear answers and miraculous understanding, I heard nothing. I felt nothing. God didn’t feel kind at all. Part of me even felt that what I endured was just plain mean.

That was until I started writing. God started bringing things to my mind that He had done in preparation for, in the midst of, and in the aftermath of this situation. And his kindness flooded my soul. Honestly to the point of tears. Several weeks even possibly months prior to this situation, I felt the Lord compelling me to go back to counseling (maybe there needs to be a post one day on what an advocate I am for everyone / yes everyone / going to counseling). I did it, and that, in and of itself, was an amazing kindness of God. It prepared my heart and mind for something I had no way of knowing was coming.

In the the deepest parts of the situation, I had a friend sit beside me and let me cry. I had family who encouraged me and reminded me of how much they loved me and were praying for me. What kindness of God that He surrounded me with these people in my time of need. He didn’t leave me alone like I briefly thought He did. He even continued to lavish His kindness on me after it was said and done by reminding me of the passion of my life and His movement in my life from day one until now.

Even in the most recent days, I am experiencing God’s kindness through extra hugs from my kids with special needs at school. I have had a church family who talks about what is looks like to suffer well. What felt mean at first now looks like such kindness. Sure, God could have stopped it all from happening. He could have held me down and protected me. Or He could show me an even greater kindness through His Word, His people, and His provisions.

“The Lord is righteous in all his ways and kind in all his works.”

— Psalm 145:17

I am truly baffled by the change in my heart in this situation. I am continually thanking the Lord for choosing to show me now. For helping me to see things that I couldn’t see then. You know when you are too close to something, it is impossible to read it. But when you back up and get a good distance away, voila. It is suddenly so clear. That’s how this feels. God is so kind to me. His kindness is shown in His patience with me in dealing with this.

He has been kind. He is kind. He will always be kind. It is a part of His nature. If God doesn’t feel kind right now, or the situations you are in don’t feel very kind. Know that it’s the situation distorting God. God remains kind despite the fallenness and brokenness of our world. He will show us His kindness even in the darkest of night. Believe it.

♥︎Jenna

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This blog post is a part of a series called Rediscovering God for the Write31Days challenge to write every day in October. You can find links to all posts in my series here. If you want to know more about the Write31Days challenge, you can find out more at www.write31days.com.

God is Just

I am the queen of feeling things are unfair. I have written many posts between my blog and my social media about the unfairness of it all. I view the world through my small lens, and just like the author of Psalms and even Proverbs, I sometimes feel that the wicked prosper while I just get pain and suffering. It just doesn’t feel fair. It doesn’t feel like God is just at all in this.

Please note how many times I mention how I feel. When I am looking through the world’s perspective or even my own perspective, it is guaranteed that I will feel that God isn’t just.

This leads perfectly into the second lie I had begun to believe.

Lie #2 God is like a vending machine. I put in my good works, and He sends out a corresponding good thing.

Deut. 32:4 “He is the Rock, his works are perfect, and all his ways are just. A faithful God who does no wrong, upright and just is he.”
Psalm 33:5 “The Lord loves righteousness and justice; the earth is full of his unfailing love.”
Psalm 50:6 “And the heavens proclaim his righteousness, for he is a God of justice.”
Psalm 111:7 “The works of his hands are faithful and just; all his precepts are trustworthy.”
2 Thessalonians 1:6 “God is just.”

God’s Word is clear. There really isn’t any way around it. God is just in all of His ways. So I guess that leaves me with one question: Where does that leave me with my feelings of a lack of justice in my situation?

When things didn’t line up the way I wanted them to, I started to wonder if the vending machine was broken. I put in two quarters and I was supposed to get a gumball. Instead I got the wrapper.

I don’t have all the answers. All I really know at this point is that I am believing God’s Word as truth and all my thoughts and feelings have to be obedient to the truth. I also have to remember my sin in this equation. It can become all too easy to pretend I’m a perfect angel in this scenario and not deserving of any bad thing.

If we get down to basics, I deserve NO good thing. Nothing. I am only even allowed in relationship with the Most High God because Jesus laid down His own life to cover my sins. If that is all I ever receive is my salvation, I will have received the most treasured gift of all.

The longer I type, the more I realize how fleeting my feelings are in the midst of truth. My heart starts to lift. My mind starts to calm. My soul starts to sing. I can feel a release in my bones. It’s indescribable. And if my only argument for God not being just is that I haven’t gotten these one or two things, I have gravely misunderstood my calling to follow Christ. He calls us to take up our cross and follow Him. He asks us to deny ourselves. Not indulge ourselves. This calling and relationship requires sacrifice. Who am I to think that if God sacrificed His own Son that I might not have to sacrifice anything at all?

I am in awe of the work God is doing in my heart and life through these posts. Just know that He is changing me. He is growing me and sanctifying me in ways I didn’t know possible. If you are struggling today, please know that there is light at the end of this. I know how hard it is to see that. I know how dark and lonely that feels. But I cling to truth and it holds me together. It brings me to this moment where God can show me He truly is just in all things even when I don’t understand.

♥︎Jenna

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This blog post is a part of a series called Rediscovering God for the Write31Days challenge to write every day in October. You can find links to all posts in my series here. If you want to know more about the Write31Days challenge, you can find out more at www.write31days.com.

When Things Don't Go As Planned

Let’s be real. This is what got me here. Things haven’t gone as planned in my life. I have wondered at times if God has forgotten me or if I did something incredibly and grievously wrong. I could have abandoned everything in those moments. I could have said I’m done and walked away.

But I didn’t. I refuse to let the enemy win. Then or now. Let me tell you. The enemy doesn’t want me writing this series. He doesn’t want me to work through my issues. He wants to keep me in captivity. He wants to make me doubt God and live based on lies so he can keep me ineffective for the kingdom and the gospel.

I feel like death tonight. I woke up with some type of bug this morning, and I can barely think straight much less crank out a meaningful, well done blog post. Put on your spiritual armor. Prepare for battle. The enemy is not resting. He is always scheming and always looking to sabotage. I don’t have the brain capacity to post the original post I had for today, but maybe we all need a reminder that God reigns in all situations. The enemy has no place here.

It may be my fever talking, but I am committed to this process. I am here for whatever God wants to teach me through this series. Do I hope that God uses this series to encourage, challenge or radically alter someone else in their walk with Him? Yes, of course. But is my ultimate purpose to document and process the goodness, kindness, and faithfulness of God in a difficult season? A hundred times yes.

So I didn’t plan to be sick today. And I didn’t plan to lose a day of debunking lies and speaking truth of God’s character. But I have a renewed passion for it as of today. It is my privilege to work out my faith according to HIs word.

“Dear friends, you always followed my instructions when I was with you. And now that I am away, it is even more important. Work hard to show the results of your salvation, obeying God with deep reverence and fear.”

— Philippians 2:12

I want to obey God with deep reverence and fear. I get one life. And I want it to glorify Him no matter what comes my way. Nothing is going to stop me. Not even this random sickness.

Okay, I am going to take meds and go back to sleep now.

Be encouraged. God is our strength and our portion. He will sustain us. He will carry us through our darkest hour. He will equip us to fight the battle.

♥︎Jenna

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This blog post is a part of a series called Rediscovering God for the Write31Days challenge to write every day in October. You can find links to all posts in my series here. If you want to know more about the Write31Days challenge, you can find out more at www.write31days.com.

God is Good

God is good. All the time. And all the time. God is good.

If you haven’t heard this phrase, then you probably aren’t Baptist. I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve heard this said. It was engrained in me as a child, a teenager, and now as an adult. It is a fact that I have believed for all my life and could recite it at the drop of a hat.

The following verses are examples of claims in the Bible describing God as good.

Psalm 107:1 “Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; his love endures forever.”
Psalm 34:8 “Taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is the one who takes refuge in him.”
Psalm 145:9 “The LORD is good to all; he has compassion on all he has made.”

Good is such a general term that it kind of baffles me. I don’t have a clear definition in my head. When I think of good, I typically think of things that I can conceptualize. I think of good vs. evil. I think of good as the essence of goodness in a person, but honestly, I don’t think I have a solid grasp on what God being good truly means. And I think this is what led me to the my first lie I mentioned in 5 Lies I Believed:

Lie #1 If I am a “good girl” and do good things, God will do good things for me and give me what I want.

My brain processed that if God is good, He will give me x, y, and z (read as good things). Hear what I’m saying. GOOD things. Not bad things. I didn’t feel that it was too far off base to assume good things come from a good God. Here’s the definition and usage of the Hebrew word translated as good in the Old Testament:

From H2895; good (as an adjective) in the widest sense; used likewise as a noun, both in the masculine and the feminine, the singular and the plural (good, a good or good thing, a good man or woman; the good, goods or good things, good men or women), also as an adverb (well):—beautiful, best, better, bountiful, cheerful, at ease, X fair (word), (be in) favour, fine, glad, good (deed, -lier, liest, -ly, -ness, -s), graciously, joyful, kindly, kindness, liketh (best), loving, merry, X most, pleasant, + pleaseth, pleasure, precious, prosperity, ready, sweet, wealth, welfare, (be) well ([-favoured]).

Before I’m charged as being a heretic, let me say a couple things: God is good. And the Bible says that He gives good gifts. God does not lie, so these things are true without a doubt. I don’t question these things.

Here’s the problem I am running into: I had been defining good as God giving me what I want. The definition of good is more like God doing the best for me despite what I want. It is God doing what will bring Him the most glory and impact the most people. I had been connecting God’s goodness with the gifts He gives me, but God being good isn’t dependent on the things or gifts He gives.

Below is a definition of good according to the dictionary. This is important.

good
ɡo͝od

adjective
1. to be desired or approved of. "we live at peace with each other, which is good" synonyms:healthy, fine, sound, tip-top, hale and hearty, fit, robust, sturdy, strong, vigorous
2. having the qualities required for a particular role. "the schools here are good" synonyms: fine, superior, quality

noun
1. that which is morally right; righteousness. "a mysterious balance of good and evil"synonyms: virtue, righteousness, goodness, morality, integrity, rectitude
2. benefit or advantage to someone or something. "he convinces his father to use his genius for the good of mankind" synonyms:benefit, advantage, profit, gain, interest, welfare, well-being

God is morally righteous. God is all good. There is no bad thing in HIm. I have often in the past interpreted good only as an adjective to describe God almost like a superhero, but in this context it is a noun. It is who He is. He cannot be anything but good. And because He is good, He has to make decisions about my life that may not seem good but will bring about ultimate good like He says in Romans 8:28. Good may very well not include my comfort, my momentary happiness, or my wants. But it will always include the best for me as deemed by an all-knowing, all-powerful, God.

I know this was a little deeper than my posts in the past and may be a lot to wade through, but I’ve gotten to a point where life is too hard to believe things just because someone told me to. That just led me to believing lies without even realizing it. As I have endured a difficult season, those lies made for a very poor foundation. I am reestablishing my foundation on truth. I am convinced that God wants to reveal Himself to me through HIs word and solidify my faith even more.

He wants to reveal Himself to you too. He wants to meet you where you are. He wants to speak truth over you. He wants to show you just how good He really is. From where I am standing, He has been so good to us. He is the definition of good.

♥︎Jenna

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This blog post is a part of a series called Rediscovering God for the Write31Days challenge to write every day in October. You can find links to all posts in my series here. If you want to know more about the Write31Days challenge, you can find out more at www.write31days.com.

God Never Changes

Feelings are unreliable. They fluctuate based on circumstances. Feelings come and go. But truth stands regardless. Our feelings change. God and His truth never changes.

“The grass withers and the flowers fall,
but the word of our God endures forever.”

— Isaiah 40:8

God gave us feelings. They are good indicators for deeper issues. Emotions and feelings can help point us to the source of the problem, but emotions and feelings are not meant to rule our lives. Especially negative emotions.

I have a tendency to repress negative emotions. I don’t want to feel them, so I stuff them back in their box and pretend they are not there. I have mastered the skill of pretending I am great when I am definitely not. I have figured out how to not have to deal with my feelings whatsoever. This plan works great until those emotions and feelings start to spill out of that box and affect my state of mind at a completely random and inopportune moment.

I am learning now to feel my emotions, but not to just feel them but also to let them point to the source of my emotion which can then lead me to the truth. For example: This situation makes me sad. It makes me sad because I am doubting my worth. I am doubting my worth because I have issues with seeing myself the way God sees me. I let myself feel this and I go to Scripture. Psalm 139 comes to mind.

For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
    when I was made in the secret place,
    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be.

I feel the emotion, but I take that lie that I am believing about myself and replace it with truth. While my emotions and feelings come and go, the truth of God stands forever. When I am feeling sad, overwhelmed, fearful, hurt, betrayed, lonely, etc, I know these feelings are real, but I cannot let them dictate what I believe about myself or God. Hebrews tell us that “Jesus is the same yesterday, today, and forever” (Heb. 13:8). Let me say it one more time. He does not change based on my feelings and emotions.

Each day this week, I am going to take one of those lies I have believed and attack it with Scripture, God’s Truth. I am gonna go against even my own OCD tendencies and start with the fifth lie I highlighted in my post called 5 Lies I Believed.

Lie #5 I’m not allowed to express my hurt, questions, doubts, fears, or whys to God. I would say this lie is one of the reasons that I even started repressing my emotions. I didn’t want to disrespect or offend God with my questions. I didn’t want to be that bad little girl who disobeyed her father. This led to submitting in all situations without understanding why God wanted me to submit and the love and kindness behind it. What I’ve discovered now is that God wants to help us understand. He may not give us specifics or details, but He will give us His Word to help us.

As I mentioned in my post last week called Let’s Start With Why, I found Scriptural basis for asking God why. I also know that Joshua was scared when he took over from Moses. The words “Be strong and courageous/Don’t be afraid” are said 13 times in the story of Joshua. God already knew how Joshua was feeling how the Israelites were feeling about entering the promised land and taking on their enemies.

God already knows how we are feeling. He knows when we are hurting, worrying, and doubting. He wants to give us truth to hold onto in those times. I think that unless we admit we are in these places of doubt, fear, hurt, pain, and suffering, we will be paralyzed in them. Held captive by them. John 8:32 says, “The truth will set you free.”

I’m ready to lay this lie down and take up truth. God wants my whole heart, and since He already knows my heart and my feelings/emotions, He can handle me sharing those with Him. Let Him replace your lies with truth.

So it’s time for battle. Time to attack those lies and tell Satan he has no foothold in our lives. The enemy has to flee in Jesus’ name. Call out Scripture. This is our weapon. The Sword of the Spirit. He will fight for you.

♥︎Jenna

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This blog post is a part of a series called Rediscovering God for the Write31Days challenge to write every day in October. You can find links to all posts in my series here. If you want to know more about the Write31Days challenge, you can find out more at www.write31days.com.

Songs for the Soul Pt. 1

Music has always moved me. Always spoken to me on a level deeper than just simple words set to musical notes. God very regularly speaks to me through music. In what became one of the darkest seasons of my life, God gave me songs to encourage me and speak truth over me.

This one in particular was the first one that left me speechless and basically a weepy mess. In the midst of the worst of the situation, the word that came to my mind was crushed. I felt crushed. I felt that I had been shattered into a million little pieces. The weight of my sorrow had crushed me. And then I heard this song by HIllsong.

In the crushing
In the pressing
You are making new wine
In the soil I now surrender
You are breaking new ground

So I yield to You and to Your careful hand
When I trust You I don’t need to understand

Make me Your vessel
Make me an offering
Make me whatever You want me to be
I came here with nothing
But all You have given me
Jesus bring new wine out of me

In the crushing
In the pressing
You are making new wine
In the soil I now surrender
You are breaking new ground

Where there is new wine
There is new power
There is new freedom
The Kingdom is here
I lay down my old flames
To carry Your new fire today

I was baffled. Baffled by the kindness of God that the word that felt like defeat was actually a gateway to new level of intimacy with and reliance on God. Without the crushing and pressing of grapes, there would be no new wine. Without the pruning of branches, the vine doesn’t bring about new growth. Only God could redeem a breaking process. Only God could bring new wine out of crushing. Only God could bring a new season out of deep hurt. Only God.

Take a listen to the song below.

♥︎Jenna

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This blog post is a part of a series called Rediscovering God for the Write31Days challenge to write every day in October. You can find links to all posts in my series here. If you want to know more about the Write31Days challenge, you can find out more at www.write31days.com.

Weekend Recommendation Pt. 1

I love a good recommendation. I love when people I trust or people who have been through something like I have recommend things. Books have become a huge source of encouragement and conviction. I want to share a book or resource with you each Saturday that God has used to help me through this difficult season.

“The spider is a lie you have agreed to believe”

— Carlos Whittaker

Recommendation #1 Kill the Spider by Carlos Whittaker. This book has been transformational for changing the way I think and believe about the things holding me back from a fully abandoned life. I first heard of Carlos’ book on Annie F. Downs’ podcast earlier this year and knew immediately that I had to have this book.

The basic premise is that we expend so much energy sweeping away cobwebs in our lives. Whether that be yo-yo dieting, failing relationships, communication issues, etc. We fall into a pattern of climbing up the mountain and sliding back down. And repeat that over and over again. The problem is that the cobwebs/these secondary problems will always come back, because we have not killed the spider. We have not dealt with the source. We have not identified the lies that we have believed about ourselves, about God, and about others.

This book is game changer. I don’t say that lightly. This book will challenge you in the best kind of way. This book gave me the tools I needed to start my journey toward freedom and to identify those lies which had been sabotaging my walk with Jesus all along.

I cannot recommend this book enough. Go find this as your local bookstore or get it on Amazon for only $10. What book recommendations do you have? What books or resources have helped you through a difficult time? Let me know in the comments.

♥︎Jenna

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This blog post is a part of a series called Rediscovering God for the Write31Days challenge to write every day in October. You can find links to all posts in my series here. If you want to know more about the Write31Days challenge, you can find out more at www.write31days.com.

5 Lies I Believed

No one intended to lie to me. No one set out to hurt me. No one ever dreamed that I would grow up and go to seminary (and counseling) only to find out that I had been believing certain lies most of my life. I would have never admitted to believing these things, because at face value they sound ridiculous. They sound like no-brainers. If you had said it to me, I would’ve said no, duh!

But when you have a moment of grief and uncertainty like I did, I had to really dig deep into the recesses of my mind and heart to pinpoint these lies. These lies were skewing my view of God. They were giving me feelings of abandonment, doubt, and pain, because unbeknownst to me, my view of God had been influenced by these lies. And really I never had to face up to these lies until I was pushed to my breaking point. I suddenly had no choice but to face and call out these lies:

Lie #1 If I am a “good girl” and do good things, God will do good things for me and give me what I want.

Lie #2 God is like a vending machine. I put in my good works, and He sends out a corresponding good thing.

Lie #3 Delight yourself in the Lord or rather do everything His way, and He will give you what you want.

Lie #4 God giving anything less than marriage and children isn’t a gift at all but a curse.

Lie #5 I’m not allowed to express my hurt, questions, doubts, fears, or whys to God.

Lies. Lies that have found deep roots in my heart and soul. And now that I know that they are lies, I am having to undo years of emotional and mental damage they caused. I don’t think the church ever intended to hurt me in this way. I think they had very good intentions, but what they didn’t equip me with was the tools to study the Bible and find truth based on Scripture.

Some of these lies probably sound preposterous, and I know what you’re thinking. There’s no way anyone ever said that. They might not have said that in so many words, but it was what I heard and hid in my heart. But I’m done with the lies. They have to go. LIes will only sabotage my relationship and walk with God. I want all of Him. And I want to replace lies with truth.

You’ll have to wait until next week for those. In the meantime, each weekend I am going to take a break from this type of post to share a book and a song that have been instrumental in this season. I am praying that just one person is impacted by this road God has walked me down, but even if not, even if this is just for me, it will all be worth it.

So I have to ask. What lies have you believed? Even if they sound crazy, I want you to write them down and think about it. We have to identify the lies if we are ever going to replace them with truth. It’s time to fight back.

♥︎Jenna

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This blog post is a part of a series called Rediscovering God for the Write31Days challenge to write every day in October. You can find links to all posts in my series here. If you want to know more about the Write31Days challenge, you can find out more at www.write31days.com.

Let's Start With Why

Why Rediscovering God? Why do I even need to rediscover God? Why do I feel heretical even asking why? I know where God is and I know who God is. Know is the key word. I’ve known these things since a very young age. I have known God practically my whole life.

David knew God his whole life too. He is known as a man after God’s own heart. And you know what David and I have in common? We both asked God why?

Psalm 10:1 - “Why, Lord, do you stand far off? Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble?”

Psalm 22:1-2 - “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, so far from my cries of anguish? My God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer, by night, but I find no rest.”

The word why is found in the book of Psalms alone 22 times. God is clearly okay with us asking why in a reverent and respectful way. Just like David and the other authors of Psalms.

As I reflect back on the situation and the heartache I felt, it wasn’t until after that moment the whys started to surface. I felt nothing and everything all at the same time. My knowledge of God definitely sustained me during this time. I could call to mind Scripture to speak over my mind and heart, but my heart felt so jaded and confused. When I didn’t feel God, I reminded my soul of Scripture. My faith was intact, but my heart was broken.

I wanted clear answers. i wanted to know why if God could do anything He chose to do nothing. I am starting to see the light breaking through the cracks of the darkness I felt for so long. I am starting to understand. Right after it all happened. a friend of mine said this to me:

I believe the Lord was preparing you for this very thing. What a grand gesture from God that he has something better for you. He didn’t just urge you away from it. He slammed the door. God is so fiercely passionate about what he has for you. I hope you can eventually think back on this painful experience and associate it with God moving heaven and earth to protect you from less than his best. -Alicia B.

Seriously, people. Get you a friend like this. I couldn’t fully process her words at that time, because I was so deep in the pain, but now? Now is a different story. Now I can more clearly see the truth. I hope you see that even in the darkest moment of my year, God sustained me with HIs Word. I didn’t stop hurting. I didn’t understand any more. I didn’t have an immediate feeling of happiness. It was still incredibly painful, but God sustained me until I could clearly see.

Now that the darkness has lifted and I’ve made it to the other side, I am learning to process the whys of this life and how I got here. I honestly felt the need to strip away everything I know and believed about God, because I wasn’t sure what was true anymore. I didn’t stop believing in God, but I started to realize that I was believing things about God that weren’t true. Christian culture had taught me a myriad of things that slowly but surely crept their way into my Scriptural beliefs about God.

This experience showed me it was time to strip it all away and only bring back that which is based on God’s Holy Word. So that’s why I’m rediscovering God. Because it matters to me that my beliefs about God are based on the Bible and not on what someone taught me as “truth.”

What have you unknowingly believed about God? What do you need to set straight about God? God’s desire is for us to know and love Him. I believe He is going to show us. I believe that by the end of this process, I will stand even stronger on my faith in God and who He is.

Keep asking your whys. God won’t let you down.

♥︎Jenna

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This blog post is a part of a series called Rediscovering God for the Write31Days challenge to write every day in October. You can find links to all posts in my series here. If you want to know more about the Write31Days challenge, you can find out more at www.write31days.com.

For Those Who Have Experienced Grief

When I was a teenager, I made very poor decisions on occasion. Possibly more than just on occasion, but that’s beside the point. Diaryland was one of those poor decisions. It was very similar to a blog but in the hands of a teenage girl. What a terrible idea. I aired out every issue and problem I had with full details on that online diary. Things that never should have been published on the internet. I disclosed things that were not honoring to the people in my life.

To that point, I wish I could replay for all of you the horrific details of my dark moment just to give you insight into where I’m coming from and how incredibly difficult it really was, but God has thankfully given me some wisdom over the years. I never want to use my words on this blog to dishonor anyone in my life. And while the circumstances that led me to this moment were brought on by something very specific, my pain and suffering since had been brewing to this unavoidable boiling point long before this happened.

All that to say, I experienced what felt like a knife being driven into my heart. Not by a person, but by God’s silence. I wept for a long time. I wrestled with it. I tried so hard to put on my adult pants and get over it. I really tried. But I kept coming back to the same question: Why, God? Why? I could see bits and pieces of the truth, but the pain was blinding. I couldn’t hold it together anymore.

And God was there. He wasn’t asking me to hold it together. He said, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” (Mt. 11:28-30)

He wants us to come to Him with our anger, our hurt, our pain, and our suffering. He is not blind to it. He sees us. He has promised us this in Isaiah 43:1-2-3:

When you pass through the waters,
    I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
    they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
    you will not be burned;
    the flames will not set you ablaze.
For I am the Lord your God,
    the Holy One of Israel, your Savior

Even though it felt like I was walking through that very fire mentioned in Isaiah, God was faithful and did not allow me to be burned. He grieved with me. He felt my pain, and it grieved Him. I hope someone else who needs to hear that is reading this: He is grieving with you. He is so grieved by your pain. He hurts for you. He does not take pleasure in your suffering, but instead He asks you to come to HIm. He asks you to let Him comfort you.

I don’t have the answer to my why yet, and I may never have the answer. What I do know is that God met me in my grief. He held me. He let me cry. He encouraged me. He put people in my life to pray for me. He allowed me to speak freely and to work through my hurt. He met me where I was, and He is still walking me through. He will always see me through.

He’s there for you too. He wants to envelop you in His presence and love. He knows what you’re feeling. He knows how much it all hurts. He watched as His only Son was tortured and crucified. He knows grief, and He wants to see you through it. Let him. I can honestly say He’s the only way I’ve come out on the other side. Trust Him.

♥︎Jenna

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This blog post is a part of a series called Rediscovering God for the Write31Days challenge to write every day in October. You can find links to all posts in my series here. If you want to know more about the Write31Days challenge, you can find out more at www.write31days.com.

Know Your Enemy

At the beginning of the year, I knew where I was going and what I was doing. I felt assured in the path I was on, and I was ready to see what God had in store for this year. I expected God to do a mighty work, and He did. I had found a new level of contentment. I had found my place.

And that’s when I felt the warning. Beware. The enemy is on the prowl. Put on your armor. The enemy is out for blood.

Have you ever had one of those almost mountain top experiences where you feel extraordinarily connected to God, but almost as soon as that moment passes, you get a flat tire, break a nail, are given extra work to do, have a sick kid, fight with your spouse/friend? You know what I’m talking about. That moment when you wonder what on earth just happened. Everything was great, but then the enemy attacked.

Our enemy is not the lost keys, your kids, our job, etc. Our enemy is not even the hurt, the pain, the heartache, the diagnosis, or the fear. Our enemy is in the those quiet little lies in those moments that say … Where is your God now? Doesn’t He care about you? Doesn’t He at least owe it to you to stop this from happening?

John 8:44 says, “He was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies.”

Our enemy is the FATHER OF LIES. He specializes in the perfect lies to get you to fall prey to his schemes. Not only is he a liar, but he also is here to “steal, kill, and destroy.” (Jn 10:10). He doesn’t come to just hurt, mess up, and irritate. He comes to STEAL. KILL. AND DESTROY.

I am guilty of taking the enemy too lightly. Assuming that he’s not worried about me and that I’ll be fine. That’s so far from the truth. He doesn’t want you or me to find contentment. He doesn’t want us to believe what God says. He doesn’t want us to experience true life. He doesn’t want us to trust God.

I didn’t even see it coming. I was in a great place, and I was making progress like never before. But in my moment of weakness, the enemy planted the smallest seed of fear, doubt, and confusion. The enemy speaks fear, but God says do not fear. The enemy speaks doubt, but God says put your hands in my scars. The enemy speaks confusion, but God says I am the way, the truth, and the life.

This is the first step. Know your enemy. Know that he is real. Know that he hates the plans God has for you. Know that you need to put on the armor (Eph 6). Satan has NO foothold in your life unless you allow him. Take his threats seriously and equip yourself with Scripture. He is ready to battle us, but the question is will we be ready?

Most importantly, know who your God is. Your powerful, faithful, good, mighty, holy God. The same God who has defeated Satan before will do it again. My prayer is that we all acknowledge the enemy gunning for our relationship with God and exercise our faith to embrace the promises God has for us right now and in the days to come.

♥︎Jenna

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This blog post is a part of a series called Rediscovering God for the Write31Days challenge to write every day in October. You can find links to all posts in my series here. If you want to know more about the Write31Days challenge, you can find out more at www.write31days.com.

31 Days to Rediscovering God

Life takes unexpected turns. We all have expectations. These expectations aren’t necessarily bad. We expect that if we do good things, we will get good things. We expect to find love. We expect to get married. We expect to have children. We expect to get a good job. We expect to buy a house. We expect to have our parents with us until they’re 100 years old. More often than not, we expect life to go as we plan.

Most of 2018 has been exceptional. It has been filled with travel, new experiences, friendship, Disneyland, New York City, hope, fun, excitement, and a whole lot of Jesus. Jesus has been the best part. But there was a low moment. A lowest of lows, dark, incredibly difficult, deeply painful moment. It had less to do with the circumstances or cause and more to do with the questions I had for God following it.

I don’t intend to be heretical whatsoever here. My intention is just to start an open discussion that might not be widely talked about. I had so many questions for God.

God, how can you be good when this doesn’t feel good? How can you be kind when this situation has caused the deepest pain? How can you be faithful when I feel like I’ve tried my best to do the right things/to be the good girl yet I’m still in this place with no answer?

From a girl who grew up in the church having believed in God my whole life, these were not questions I had ever had before. Through my questions, I found myself wondering where God was in my pain. I didn’t know how to process my hurt when I felt like God owed it to me to protect me from this. God was pushing the boundaries of my faith, and I was holding on for dear life.

You see, I believe God with every fiber of my being. I believe He exists. I believe He created us and this entire universe. I believe that He is able to do all things. Even the impossible. I believed all of this then, and I believe all of this now. The problem was figuring out how I could hold my belief that God can do anything and the reality that He chose not to do anything in this situation.

When everything in me wanted to run, I clung to the Word. I made the conscious decision to dig my heels in even harder. I was not gonna let the enemy win in this situation. Of one thing I was certain: The enemy was not going to win. I was not going to let Satan’s lies replace the truth I have always known:

God is good. God is kind. God is faithful.

For the next 31 days, I want to share the process God invited me into to rediscover who He is based on Scripture and not cultural Christianity. I set out to rediscover God. That He is who He says He is. That He will do what He says He will do. That He will fulfill His promises. I am currently coming out on the other side with the most peace and hope that I’ve ever known, because God has used and is still using this process to grow my faith and continue to teach me full reliance on Him through every season.

As always, I am completely unsure of where God is going with this or who else needs to hear what God has taught me and is currently teaching me through this difficult season. I can assure you that I am praying for God’s words to be typed on this page and for His ultimate purposes to prevail through me and this writing series.

♥︎Jenna

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This blog post is a part of a series called Rediscovering God for the Write31Days challenge to write every day in October. You can find links to all posts in my series here. If you want to know more about the Write31Days challenge, you can find out more at www.write31days.com. As the series goes on, each new blog post will be linked below. Check back here for updates.

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one // 31 Days to Rediscovering God
two // Know Your Enemy
three // For Those Who Have Experienced Grief
four // Let’s Start With Why
five // 5 Lies I Believed
six // Weekend Recommendation Pt. 1
seven // Songs for the Soul Pt. 1
eight // God Never Changes
nine // God is Good
ten // When Things Don’t Go As Planned
eleven // God is Just
twelve // God is Kind
thirteen // Weekend Recommendation Pt. 2
fourteen // Songs for the Soul Pt. 2
fifteen // God Gives Us What We Need
sixteen // God is Healer
seventeen // God is Faithful
eighteen // God is Not Silent
nineteen // God is Love
twenty // Weekend Recommendation Pt. 3
twenty one // Songs for the Soul Pt. 3
twenty two // God Fulfills His Promises
twenty three // God is Trustworthy
twenty four // God Always Cares
twenty five // God is Peace
twenty six // God is All-Sufficient
twenty seven // Weekend Recommendation Pt. 4
twenty eight // Songs for the Soul Pt. 4
twenty nine // God is With Us
thirty // God is My Banner
thirty one // 31 Days Later

New Place. New Name. New Era.

God is always on the move. He’s always working. He’s always listening. He’s always doing His thing. & it’s time for me to do mine. 

Trying to figure out life in the midst of so much unexpected, change, heartache, & reality, I knew God was leading me to a new start. A place to start fresh and to document all the things God is teaching me.  

Blogging is virtually a dead art, but it works for me. It provides an avenue for God to display His glory in my mind, my thoughts, my writing, & my life. I have no idea where God will take this blog next, but I’m ready to find out.  

It’s been quiet on the blog front for me quite a long time now, but I can’t even articulate why that is exactly. I just know God has been pruning, growing, & refining me through the ups and downs of the last couple years since I posted on the blog. It’s been a long process, but I’m finally ready to move back into this new space.

The point of this post is to introduce you to my new blogging home: www.jennamcmurphy.com. That should be a lot easier to remember, & it just seems right to not try to make this into something more. This is just the story of God in my life. 

The other point of this post is to give you fair warning about the upcoming blogging/posting challenge I will be partaking in again during the month of October. I’ll be writing for 31 days on a particular topic God has laid on my heart. It’s heavy. It’s deep. It’s super transparent. & I’m both excited and anxious to see where God will take this series & how He will use it to impact others.

My hope & prayer: 

My life = His glory

I hope this new place & new journey will encourage, challenge, & spur all those who read to keep the faith or step out on faith. Here’s to a new beginning. 

2 0 1 6 - 2 0 1 7

Moments make up days. Days make up months. And months make up a year. 12 months filled with 30 - 31 days. Days filled with many moments. Moments waiting for us to live. Waiting for us to make a difference. Waiting for us to do something. Waiting for us to love and be and play and laugh and cry and scream and L I V E.

 After closing out 2015, I knew things could only go up. All I can say is that was one rough year. But the best part about New Year's is that can all be washed away at the strike of midnight. Is the past year really washed away? no. But for me and this crazy brain of mine, it feels that way. I knew something had to give in 2016. And it did. 

 2016 held some great memories but even more so lasting lessons from God. And for those I am forever grateful to 2016. I faced some fears. I went D E E P E R. My word for 2016 was deepen. God did so much in my life. In going deeper with God, I learned so much about Him, about myself, about others, and about life. Between friendships, work, seminary classes, ministry, and me, God deepened areas and my heart in ways I never imagined. 

The blog was kind of quiet this year, because those deeper moments were things that God impressed on me were intended to be deep for a reason. Moments between me and him. I some times wanted to share those things and realized that God meant those for me. Almost like love notes just for me. At the end of 2016, I feel God's love deeper than I ever have before. Praise God I was able to reach the goals I set for 2016 through Him and Him alone. I could go on for days about the ups and downs of 2016 but I'll sum it up with a few lessons I learned this past year:

L E S S O N S  F R O M  2 0 1 6:

1. Misplaced expectations will only lessen my joy and lead to disappointment. Appropriately-placed (on God) and Biblical expectations enable me to live my life full of joy, hope, contentment, and peace in the present. God is prepared for my expectations. I can expect Him to fulfill His promises. I can expect Him to love and accept me. I can expect Him to provide for me. I can expect Him to carry me through. I can expect Him to give me good gifts. I can expect Him to come through. 

2. Saying N O is the most valuable tool I have. And I have to say it if I want to maintain sanity and keep God at the forefront of my life. I cannot and will not be all things to all people. So saying  Y E S to everything was only killing me and stealing my joy. God gets my Y E S and I must follow Him from there not the world. 

3. Insecurities have no place in my relationships, conversations, etc. If I let insecurities dictate my response, I will not be liked nor will I be able to go deeper with people. Insecurities sabotage everything. Identifying when I'm being motivated from insecurities or when I'm seeing things from God's perspective is something that will continue on as a work in progress for a long time to come. But I'm thankful that I know now that this a default for me. 

4. Letting go of control, trusting God to provide, finding beauty and redemption in the waiting. All things God continues to teach me more and more each year. 

Now I allow 2016 to sink in as part of my story and look ahead to 2017 and all that I know God has in store. A new year has so much potential. So many unwritten moments. Two days in and I must admit that it already feels like a roller coaster. Sometimes I don't know whether to laugh or cry. To be honest, I've already done a little of both. I expect God to do great things this year in and through me.

G O A L S  F O R  2 0 1 7:

1. Seek financial peace. 

Confession: I stink at being a good steward of the money that I only have because God has given me. It's a struggle. I know something has to change, and this year I commit to start small. Hold myself accountable for 31 days. I'm not gonna fix everything in one day or one month. But I'm gonna take one day at a time. I pray God teaches me responsibility with the resources He has given me. 

2. Be healthy.

Another confession: I stink at keeping my body healthy and finding a balance between glorifying God in what I put in my body and not follow legalistic rules that are unattainable for me. For whatever reason, this has been and always will be a thorn in my flesh. Something I have to surrender to the Lord on a daily, monthly, and yearly basis. This year I just need to get my mind and body back on the same track. Taking those same little steps to trust the Lord even in this thorn. 

3. Be intentional with social media. 

I love social media for its wide reaching capabilities. I love that I can share anything at any time. But I want what I share to matter. I want what I share to impact people. But I only want what God wants. I want to be intentional with what I'm sharing but also seek the Lord for inspiration and not just what I want to say. I want to allow God to speak through me. 

4. Enjoy reading.

I want to read more in 2017. I want to read through the Bible chronologically again, because I love to see the big picture of the Bible with all the glorious small details in the order it happened. But I also want to read more for fun and for spiritual growth. I think reading other people's stories/journeys/experiences can allow me to see things in different perspectives. I want take this year to really dig into the Word and intentionally grow in my relationship with God. 

5. Cling to God in good times.

On New Year's Eve, I realized that my heart is so fickle. I saw that I was in desperate need of Jesus because in the midst of good times, I had slacked off in my quiet times. I have had so many hard moments and scary times that I seek the Lord with abandon, but then things start to look up and the sun is shining. And I stop seeing my desperate need for Jesus and His Word. This has to change. I want to be hungry for the Word in the G O O D and the B A D. And just as much in the G O O D as the B A D. 

I know these won't happen over night. I know these are gonna be hard. I know that I may not even reach all these goals, but I love a challenge. I always have. I love to feel this pressing in to God and trusting that He's gonna show up and show out. 

As I've done for the last couple years, I chose a word for 2 0 1 7: 

F U L F I L L E D. 

You'll have to stay tuned for another blog post on how I came to this word and what God has laid on my heart for this new year. I'm so excited to see where God leads.

Writing the Unwritten

Unwritten.

So many words are unwritten. Unknown things. Things I have yet to pray. Things I have yet to hope for. Things I have yet to thank God for. Things I have yet to know. Things I have yet to love. Things I have yet to be.

Prayer journaling has been such a huge part of my life since I was 16 years old. A friend gave me a journal which in the past I had used for sermon notes. But something or rather God prompted me to start writing down my prayers. My 16 year old prayers were nothing special but they were the outpouring of my heart. In the midst of 16 year old craziness, it was the one place I could bare my heart and my soul with no judgement and no criticism.

As I started to see prayers answered, hurts healed, and miracles happen, I was overwhelmed by the value of my prayer journal. It became a daily part of my life. Prayer journaling taught me that there is power in prayer and that God hears me when I pray.

Naturally, my love for a new journal runs deep. Something I hold in my hands each and every night in order to meet with God and process my day. It is a safe place for me. And those old journals hold in them now my longings, my desires, my surrender, my hopes, my dreams, my heartaches, my prayers, my pleading, my begging, and my interceding.

So when I look at blank pages in my current prayer journal, I know there is so much unwritten. Not my story. God has written my story, but it's up to me to write my part. It's up to me to follow in obedience. To surrender my desires and dreams. To say yes. To say no. To listen. To speak. To pray. To intercede. To love. To become who God is shaping me to be.

Blank pages used to overwhelm me. But now I see them as an opportunity to jump into the life God has created for me. To run through open doors. To learn how to close doors for myself. To go big and love even bigger.

Hope spills over into my heart that I still have 4 more months of 2016 to make the most of my unwritten. To fill in the blanks that God has left for me to live life for His glory because I have chosen to surrender my all and live this life with abandon.

Let the unwritten inspire you to seek God. Go deeper in the things of God. Fill in those blanks with words of peace, hope, rest, love, joy, kindness, and action. Take heart and have courage, God is in your midst and He is calling you to follow. To trust Him and to write in the unwritten. You do have control over how you will respond. How you will react. And how you will love.

This is our challenge. Enjoy writing the unwritten God has given us.

When the Words Won't Come

Nothing.

It all swirls around in my head. Words about life. Words about adventure. Words about experiences. Words about devastation. Words about heartbreak. Words about injustice.

They are all just individual words with no course of action. I think I have a potential blog post, but when I open up the text field, nothing comes.

Nothing.

Silence is usually seen as a negative thing. Someone gives you the silent treatment. When someone is silent, we assume something is wrong. Silence makes us feel ignored. It provokes unwanted feelings and thoughts. Silence has a way of opening up the floodgates for all things bad. At least it does for me.

But at the same time, we crave silence. We long for the chaos in our own personal worlds to be quieted. Moms will go to great lengths to get some silence. Teachers will plead with their students for just a minute of silence.

We love it and hate it all at the same time. Silence. It's either exactly what we need or the last thing we wanted.

Silence is no easy concept. Seasons of silence from God are the hardest for me. Times in life where I'm so wrapped up in me that I continue on in my good endeavors without my great God. Times in life when God is teaching me, refining me, or testing me.

Silence hurts. In this season of life, I have prayed unceasingly for two very specific things.

Nothing.

No answer. No progress. No signs. No clarity.

So I wait. And I hope. I take the silence as a sign to keep pressing on. To keep reading God's Word. To keep loving the people God has put in my life. To keep praying even in the silence.

Silence is teaching me endurance and perseverance and patience. And a host of other things that I didn't even know I needed to work on. I'm also learning that maybe what I perceive as silence is just God inviting me deeper to find him in the smallest of life's moments.

God has never spoken more loudly in my silence than when I'm watching the sunset as I drive through New Orleans. Or when I'm swinging in the park watching the people walk around me. Or when that friend reaches out and asks how I'm doing. Or when the exact song I need to hear comes on the radio. Or when a passage of Scripture keeps coming back to mind. Or when God holds off the rain for you to move.

Even in silence God is all around us. God is in everything. God is here with us. He is here with me. Always.

Nothing. Nothing comes together like I expect it too, but everything comes together the way God had planned all along. Even this blog post.

So when the words won't come, I trust that God is teaching me something through the silence.

Have you ever felt like God was silent? Have you ever, like me, equated someone else's silence in your life or unanswered prayers with silence from God?

I pray that God speaks into all of our hearts today and every day even in what feels like silence.

Learning to Say No When You Want to Say Yes

Yes. Yes. Yes.

Yes, I would love to help you out. Yes, I will pet sit for you while you are on vacation. Yes, I will give you the shirt off my back. Yes, I will be all things to all people.

Because yes feels good. Yes makes me feel like a better person. Yes makes people like me.

At least this used to be true.

But then they weren't. Then saying yes didn't feel so good. Suddenly people started making comments, jokes even, about how much I say yes. I never thought about my saying yes as a problem. I always thought everyone liked that I said yes. All my yes(es) started to weigh on me. They started to make me wonder if this is really what God wants for me. 

I think there are different personality types when it comes to "yes" and "no." None of these are scientifically proven. Just my opinion. First, you have people like me who say yes to everything. Yes to this. Yes to that. Yes to everything. Second, you have people who say no to everything. And third of all, you have people who say maybe and are just flaky enough to never commit to a yes or a no.

But there's also a fourth personality type that I feel is largely lacking all around me. I want to be a best yes person. Thank you, Lysa Terkeurst, for the term/concept. {If you haven't read her book, The Best Yes, you must read it ASAP.} I want to find a balance, and I want to honor God with my yes and my no.

No makes me feel unfriendly, unloving, uncaring, and unkind. No makes me feel guilty. Being someone who feels the need to always say yes, this is incredibly difficult for me. I genuinely have never learned the ability to discern the difference between a yes, a best yes, and a no. It can be such a gray area which has to be taken directly to the Lord.

Maybe you're thinking what's so wrong with saying yes? There's nothing inherently wrong with it, but as I've grown up and began these oh so interesting adult years, I'm learning some valuable lessons about how saying yes can actually be harmful.

1. Burnout. When I say yes to everything, I leave no time or space for myself to recharge, to spend with the Lord, to do things that line up with my passions, gifts, and talents. Burnout makes me less effective for the kingdom and it makes it all the harder to keep going through difficult times.

2. Sin. Yep, you read that right. Please excuse this terrible illustration but yes for me is almost like a gateway drug. It feels so good to be somebody's person, somebody's yes. I want to save the day. Saving the day feels good. Saving the day makes me a hero. But all those yes(es) done "in the name of Jesus" quickly turn south. Burnout leads to bitterness, anger, bad attitude, lying, etc. Saying yes is not a sin, but in abundance leads to an abundance of sin that hides itself away in my heart. And what do we all know about the heart? Luke 6:45 says "For out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks." And Proverbs 4:23 says "Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it." (NIV).

3. Uselessness. I can no longer be a servant of the Lord when I am actively living in sin and failing to prioritize my daily quiet time, my friends, and my family. When I say yes to everybody, I lose my identity. I become useless. I'm doing things out of obligation to people and not obedience to God. I am so overloaded with the wrong yes that I am useless to do the best yes God has for me.

Yes is my default. This is who I am, but it is not who God has called me to be. Just because this is my nature does not mean that it is God's best for me. God challenges us, tests us, and pushes us. He knows us inside and out, up and down. Yes has served me well over the years. God used my yes personality to shape me into the woman I am today. He used it to break me out of my introvert shell, try new things, go on adventures, travel to foreign lands, and experience life to the fullest.

But now, God is teaching me that saying no does not change who I am. Saying no is a valuable tool that He has given me and wants to teach me how to use now according to his direction and will. There are so many good things. Good, Christian, Godly things I can do. But the question I have to ask myself is whether or not this is what God has for me. This is a process. One I will  not figure out overnight, but it's one that is going to be a pruning and refining process to draw me closer to God and to be more in sync with his will.

I want to give God my best yes and my best no. Anybody else out there need to surrender their yes or no personality to God? Or submit your yes and no to God's yes and no?

Abba, Father, use this season. Use this struggle. Teach my heart to stand firm on the yes and no that you have given me the ability to say equally. Give me discernment to differentiate between a best yes and a no. Show me how to say no with grace and without guilt. Lead me to surrender my people-pleasing ways to a higher calling of glorifying you and you alone. Pour over, in, and through me the peace to keep trusting your plan over mine. Grant me wisdom to know your yes and your no for each circumstance. Open my eyes to see you in the midst of it all. I lay down my yes and my no for your glory, honor, and praise.

What My Commitment Issues Really Mean

I don't have commitment issues. So I said.

But my actions and thoughts told a different story. 

When faced with the opportunity to move forward or take steps back, I retreated. I was scared. There was no trust. 

Commitment is not something to be taken lightly. It is something that requires vulnerability. And sacrifice. And most importantly, trust. 

Commitment meant bearing the deepest and darkest parts of me. Commitment meant there was a possibility that when things go past surface level and into the recesses of my heart, rejection could come. 

Better to run away than to be found not enough. To be deemed unworthy. To be labeled a fraud.  To be faced with flat out rejection. 

This was a real life situation for me. Where I subconsciously decided the commitment was not worth the price I might be required to pay. Fear won. 

But I haven't just done this with people in my life. How many times do I do this with Jesus? How many times do I keep him at arms length or worse resist Him drawing me deeper? Why? Why do I struggle to commit it all? To trust Him with every area of my life? 

Maybe its for fear that Jesus can't possibly love that part of me. He can't possibly know what I've done. He can't possibly know the ugly parts of my heart. 

Because if He did, there's no way He could look at me the same. That He could still desire a relationship with me. That His sacrifice could still be enough for me.

But the beauty of this time of year and the days even weeks following the celebration of Easter, I feel the depth and the breadth and the height and the width of God's love all the more.

Recognition comes. That thief on the cross next to him. Not a shiny good deed to his name. Not a single claim to fame in those last, dark moments of his life. I'm that thief. I'm the man on the cross next to Jesus. At least that's how I feel. I feel I have nothing to give. Nothing to offer. Except my heart. Except whatever moments I have left on this earth. Complete and total surrender. It's a crossroads. Do I believe Jesus' blood covers me or not?

Commitment is scary. But what's scarier is facing life alone. Without Jesus. Without the relationship that has wrecked my soul and given me eternal relationship with Himself. For now and forevermore.

And what I know to be true? God takes even what little I have to give. That minuscule offering of commitment I give. And He maximizes it for His glory. He reveals my weaknesses and uses them to draw others to His glory. His works. His strength. His ability. His worth.

I come broken to be mended.
I come wounded to be healed.
I come desperate to be rescued.
I come empty to be filled.
I come guilty to be pardoned by the blood of Christ the Lamb.
And I'm welcomed with open arms.
Praise God.
Just as I am.

-Travis Cottrell

God loves me just as I am. Commitment issues and all. And He loves you too. Whatever baggage you bring. Whatever hurt you carry. Whatever burden you shoulder. God's in the fixing business. We can't do it on our own. But God ... 

Let's take our all to Him today. Let's give up this fight. Let's tear down those walls we thought were protecting us yet were only hindering us from fully trusting Him. Anybody else ready? 

Go Tell it on the Mountain

Go Tell it on the Mountain.

You've heard those words. In fact, you've probably sang them a few times in your life.

Your thoughts might immediately go to that Christmas song, but that's not where the story ends.

That's only the beginning.

The Christmas story is about the baby. God sending His Son as a baby.  A tiny, human baby. His plan was to redeem the world through this little baby. Jesus was born in a manger. Jesus was rejected by God's own people. He grew up and performed signs and wonders that could only be attributed to God. People refused to believe. And then He did something no one expected. No one saw it coming. He, having lived a perfect life, laid down His life as a perfect sacrifice for us. You and me. Sinners. The Christmas story was more than a baby. The Christmas story was the beginning of our story. And the story didn't end on the cross. A clean, new beginning was given to us. It brought us life. It brought us a story that never ends. Because not only can we experience our Savior here on this earth, but He has gone to prepare a place for us in glory where we will spend eternity. He made a way for us both here and there. He paid the price to have a relationship with us. That's just how much loves us.

How can I keep this story to myself? How can I not go and tell those who haven't heard? How can I not run to the mountain tops to shout and share this Good News?

Isaiah 52:7//"How beautiful on the mountains are the feet of those who bring good news, who proclaim peace, who bring good tidings, who proclaim salvation, who say to Zion, 'Your God reigns!'" (NIV)

Certainly, I will go tell it on the mountain. That's what it's all about. That's what I want to do.

& I cannot/will not allow money to keep from going to the mountains and proclaim the Good News of Jesus.

& so that brings me to why I'm writing this ... I would like your help. I would like to partner with you to take the Good News to the ends of the earth. To the mountains of the northeastern corner of East Asia. God has opened the door for me to go for an entire month this summer to serve alongside those who are already working there in East Asia.

 If you are able, I would love for you to buy a t-shirt.

They are comfort colors in Chalky Mint. I am selling them for $20 dollars XS-2XL. I am able/willing to deliver to central locations (New Orleans, along I-55, DeSoto County, Golden Triangle), but I can mail anywhere for $25. Payment options are the same as last year. Cash, check, or Paypal. If you have questions, please feel free to email me at jennamcmurphy@gmail.com. My plan is to have all orders and money by April 25th and pick them up Mother's Day weekend on May 8th, so I can coordinate deliveries following these dates.

If you can't help in this way, I just ask that you pray. Pray that God would use me and many others to take the Good News to the mountains to proclaim salvation. I believe in the power of prayer, and I also believe that God will provide in unimaginable ways.

God calls us all to pray, give, and go. Just in different ways. I want to be obedient in each of these areas. Thank you for your part you play in this.

Until the whole world hears,
Jenna