Doing Some Backtracking

October 24, 2014 Jenna McMurphy

I feel like it is necessary for me to do some backtracking especially considering the over abundance of blog posts this month. When you are getting an everyday glimpse into my life, you may get some wrong impressions of my life. Maybe I haven't done a very good job of being clear about some things.

#1. I am not depressed. Not by any means. Sure I have my low moments, but I am far from depressed. I just want people to know that I struggle just like everyone else. I want people to know that despite my relationship with God, I have genuine/real problems. Choosing Christ is not a get out of hard times free card. From my experience, God has taught me so much from being real and honest about my life versus being fake and covering up my hurts and problems.

#2. I am not miserable. Not even close. I have really hard moments when things do seem bleak, but those moments are truly few and far between. I am occasionally overwhelmed with the stresses of life, but I live a very full and happy life.

#3. I am not crazy. I mean maybe I kind of am. But I am a radical follower of Jesus just not psychotic. I hope I haven't given that vibe ... although I do have my oddities.

Okay, I think that about covers it. My overall goal of each post is to bring it back around to Jesus despite the struggle. I struggle. I hurt. I have problems. I get sad. I cry.

BUT I have Jesus. I have joy. I have hope. I have peace. I have love. I have laughter. I have friends. I have family. I have an amazing life. I have contentment.

Even when things get hard. Even when I struggle. Even when I am painfully honest on here, I wear a smile on my face. Why? Because I have Jesus.

That's that. I have Jesus.

{Enter contentment}

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{This series is a part of a writing challenge given by the nester, Myquillyn Smith, to write for 31 Days. You can check the write31days website out here and enjoy hundreds of other bloggers joining together for this challenge. My posts are a part of my personal topic choice of 31 Days of Contentment, and you can find the link for the entire series here.}

Mirror Mirror

October 23, 2014 Jenna McMurphy

Instead of the classic "mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all," mine sounds more like:

"Mirror, mirror on the wall, how many flaws can we find in all?"

Anyone else able to relate to that? Each time I look I ask the same question and get the same answers. I see the big hips. I see the bland colored hair and eyes. I see the large nose. I see the freakishly tall body. I see the fat. I see the cellulite. I see the acne scars. I see the imperfections. Every single one of them.

{Enter Discontentment. I've spent the majority of my life being discontent with what I see in the mirror. I've hated mirrors all my life.

Side note: I started three posts at the beginning of the challenge to give me a head start before it all started. The topics were as follows: self-image, weight, and singleness. My top three areas of discontentment. You probably thought the worst was over with my discontentment posts, but you haven't seen anything yet. This is where it gets good. These are the three areas that plague me the most.

So self-image. This isn't my first rodeo when it comes to blogging about this struggle. Feel free to just keep scrolling because I guarantee you won't hear anything too new.

Hear me say: I'm not seeking pity or compliments. I'm just being genuinely honest about the true state of my heart. I've spent my entire life surrounded by beautiful people. People who win beauty pageants. People who are admired for their skin, face, hair, etc. I love these people. so much. But I've just never quite measured up to their beauty. {comparison equals discontentment} I've never been the one who guys stop in their tracks to admire. I've never been the one who people would guess was a pageant girl. I know this.

But who am I to tell God He made a mistake? Who am I to question God? Who am I to be discontent with the way God created me?

You just can't beat the Psalm 139 passage. It is used quite often in this case. But I believe that is because of how truly powerful it is. God does not make mistakes and His Word says in the words of David:

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body." {Psalm 139:13-16a NIV}

Did I mention that God doesn't make mistakes? He took the time to consider the color of my hair, the complexion of my skin, the length of my fingers, my exact height {all five foot eleven inches of me}, my build, and the shape of my figure. He made me exactly the way I am.

I have to recite these verses on a regular basis to remind myself that my view of my self-image is just that. My view. God did not make any mistakes on me.

my Creator, King of my heart, and Father God, show me how to be content with the way you made me. My reflection in the mirror will never meet earthly standards which makes it a good thing that I am held to Your standards. I thank you for creating/making/forming me the way that I am ... even tall, even oddly proportioned, even just me. Some days I lose sight of you, my Creator, but my prayer is that you always point me back to you. Show me the way to contentment.

Contentment is not found in my appearance/self-image. Contentment is found in Jesus.

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Nothing New Here

October 22, 2014 Jenna McMurphy

This concept of discontentment is anything but new. It has actually been around since the fall of man. Since Eve took a bite of the forbidden fruit. Since sin entered the world. God is not surprised by my discontentment. He is not caught off guard by my discontent heart.

But He does call me to choose Him in those moments. He does expect me to surrender my longings/desires/wishes/plans to Him and Him alone.

In my morning quiet time, I have been reading through the Old Testament specifically in Genesis and Exodus. If you're looking for it, you'd probably be quite surprised by the number of accounts where discontentment jumps off the page.

For starters, there was Leah and Rachel. The story goes like this. Jacob {twin brother of Esau} ran for his life after he stole his brother's blessing from their father, Issac. Just a regular soap opera going on here in the Old Testament. He went to his his mother's {Rebekah: wife of Issac} brother to find a wife.

Cue Days of Our Lives {Bible Times}. Jacob was tricked into marrying the oldest daughter, Leah, when he thought he was marrying the other daughter, Rachel. Drama. Imagine working 7 years to marry this one person only to get to your wedding night and realize it's her sister. I can imagine there was a little anger, turmoil, jealousy, and favoritism going on there between this sordid crew.

Leah was discontent. Jacob didn't love her like he loved her sister. She was the second favorite wife. She was second priority. God gave her multiple children, but she couldn't have the one thing she wanted. The love of her husband.

Rachel was discontent. She was the favorite wife. Jacob loved her, cherished her, favored her, and preferred her over her sister. She couldn't have children. God had closed her womb. She couldn't have the one things she wanted. A child.

Don't you see the pattern here? They were both discontent. They both wanted what the other one had. They both had what the other one wanted.

Moral of the story: We will never be content with earthly things. God created our hearts, and He created them to be content/fulfilled/satisfied by Him alone. When we try to fill/satisfy it with other things is when we usher in discontentment.

Only the Creator of our hearts can satisfy the desires of our hearts.

It's time to stop thinking the next thing will bring me contentment. No husband, life, job, city, home, cellphone, tv show, or food will bring me contentment.

Jesus will. He will bring me contentment if I just stop seeking these other things. And start seeking Him.

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Everyday is a New Day

October 21, 2014 Jenna McMurphy

Tomorrow is a new day. I am not held down by chains of yesterday. I can't change yesterday or even what I've already lived today but I can claim victory over tomorrow in Jesus' name. It's about the daily surrender.

Despite my fruitless toiling away over the last few days and maybe even the last week, I'm stepping out of that heart funk I had fallen into. I'm running to Jesus right now. At the end of my day, I choose to run to my safe place in His arms.

The name of The Lord is a strong tower; the righteous run to it and are safe." {Proverbs 18:10 NIV}

I feel encouraged by the hope of a new beginning. Letting go of what I can't change and what is out of my hands is the best thing I can do right now. I have to release those things and surrender them into the hands of God.

Tonight I'm content with the process. Jesus tells us in His Word that in this world we will have trouble. We will have heartache. We will face hard times. We will struggle. But we must take heart. We must cling to the truth. We must run to our strong tower. For He has overcome the world. He has won the battle. He has claimed the victory over me.

Today I recieved counsel from a very wise person who reminded me to surrender my plans/my desires/my purposes to the Lord each and every morning.

"Listen to advice and accept instruction, and in the end you will be wise. Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." {Proverbs 19:20-21 NIV}

I needed this verse so badly today. I'm content with God's purpose prevailing. It is well worth the wait.

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When Things Get Hard

October 20, 2014 Jenna McMurphy

Sometimes. Sometimes life gets hard. Sometimes it feels like I am falling apart. Sometimes it feels like my heart is in shambles. Sometimes I doubt myself and my past decisions. Sometimes I second guess my choices. Sometimes life makes my head hurt. Sometimes my heart just feels so heavy.

Worn by Tenth Avenue North

I'm tired
I'm worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes to keep on breathing

I've made mistakes
I've let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Cause I'm worn

I know I need
To lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won't let up
And I know that You can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

And my prayers are wearing thin
I'm worn even before the day begins
I'm worn I've lost my will to fight
I'm worn so heaven come and flood my eyes

4 hours to Starkville. 30 minutes to Columbus. 1 hour to Tuscaloosa. 1 hour to Columbus. 30 minutes to Starkville. 2 hours to Olive Branch. And 5 hours to New Orleans.

That's 14 total hours in my car. 12 of those with just me and my thoughts. I usually try to spend that time worshipping through song and prayer. And I did some of that in those 12 hours. But my heart was so muddled by emotions from the family events going on already that I practically left the door open for discontentment. I might as well have put out a welcome mat.

Once the discontentment entered, a downward spiraling conversation with my own heart ensued. How could you be content/satisfied/happy in these current circumstances? I feebly responded. I have Jesus. But you're not even good enough to be more important than money or possessions so what good does Jesus do you? I have Jesus. An even quieter response. You're not even confident in the choices you've been making, so why do you even bother trusting Jesus? A whisper this time. I have Jesus. How will you ever find contentment in Jesus when you fall every few steps you take? Silence. I had no fight left in me. Nothing I could say to refute my failures.

But then in the corner of my eye, a ray of sunlight from the setting sun fell across my face. I felt God caress my heart in that moment. I heard His voice over the lies. I heard the truth. He surrounded me with His presence. He said, run to Me, my child.

I may not have the clarity I would like to have for my current circumstances, but when things get hard, I will run to Jesus.

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That "Coming Home" Feeling

October 19, 2014 Jenna McMurphy

There were times that I thought I would never feel that again. That "coming home" feeling when you return to a place that served as home. I really thought that the "home" concept was a thing of the past.

I've actually spent many years being discontent with my lack of a "home." Grenada was really the only home I'd ever known. With every year that passed, it felt less like home.

I felt a little lost through college not having a home. But there were technically many places I could call home. I just didn't connect with any of those places.

I wasn't happy with that lack of home but what choice did I really have.

Discontentment was reigning in my heart at that time. Then I finally found a home at Longview Heights Baptist Church. Once I started putting forth the effort to be involved and get to know people, God blessed that tenfold. I was finally content with my home. I was so content.

But then God called me to leave my home. Also know as my contentment.

For a while now, I have definitely been struggling with this leaving home part as an area of discontentment. I love my church and the people who have impacted my life here. That place stole my heart with such loving and wonderful people.

Today as I got to visit and see people that I haven't seen in a couple months, I had that "coming home" feeling.

Even though it is hard that I had to leave home, I am finding contentment in that "coming home" feeling. That is such a great feeling to have. To be surrounded by love is to be home.

I don't think I truly knew that until now. I didn't grow up in Olive Branch. Really I have only been there officially for the last year and a half. For a while I allowed that to be an area of discontentment that I didn't have a place to call home anymore. The number one thing I was missing was God's role in all of it. When will I learn that everything falls into place when every part of my life is submitted under His control?

His thoughts are not my thoughts and His ways are not my ways. He has plans far exceeding anything I could come up with.

Contentment is found in Jesus. Not my home or lackthereof.

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Just a Glimpse {Round 3}

October 18, 2014 Jenna McMurphy

I don't know what it is about Saturdays/weekends, but I just feel contentment wash over me on the weekends. I tend to take more time to count my {many, many} blessings on the weekends when I step away from the mild stress of weekday work and schedules. I love the freedom of the weekend and the privilege I have to jump in my car and take part in special events in my loved ones' lives.

This weekend started out with my favorite second family. This precious family took me in during grad school {aka the dark days} and loved me like their own which was an immeasurable blessing in my life.

We have this tradition that every time I come into town, we make an ice cream run to Kroger. These girls are so special to me and the little sisters I never had.

This morning I got to attend my {not so little anymore} Laura Hope's first piano recital. She played Jesus Loves Me, and my favorite part was watching her sing along as she played, because this little girl knows that Jesus loves her.

I got to celebrate this best friend of mine and her upcoming wedding. She's getting married in just two weeks. I could not be any more excited for her. She is going to be a beautiful bride and an amazing Godly wife.

Then I had the privilege of watching the sun set over Starkville and West Point. God is so good.

I am so in awe of God and His creativity. That was Him. All Him. He made that sunset. He crafted those clouds. That sun. Those colors. It is all His work. That's the same God who made me and loved me.

Today has been emotional as my family moved my grandparents out of the home that they have lived in my entire life and almost all of their married life. It's the place where we have had many adventures, countless memories, and treasured holiday/family gatherings. It's hard to let go of those earthly things, but it is time to let go in order to take care of my grandparents.

The day ended with this little one in my arms. I don't think these little boys even know how much I miss them on a daily basis. But today is what I have. I will treasure and gather up these moments in my heart and my mind until next time.

God has shown me how to find contentment in the blessings He has bestowed on me. How very gracious of Him. Watching the sun set on my drive home to surprise my family tonight just served as a reinforcement of the contentment I have found.

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The Silver Lining

October 17, 2014 Jenna McMurphy

Don't ask me how this thought came to me. It can only be contributed to the good Lord above, because even as I am currently typing, I'm not entirely sure where this post is going.

As I was running yesterday, I had a thought. Is there any positive side of discontentment? That's a strange thought, isn't it? Well, welcome to the every day thought process of Jenna. It's exhausting.

Of course {in my mind} my first response {to myself} to that thought was absolutely not.

But then I stopped {my thoughts not running} and really pondered over this. As I was running while watching the sunset over the Mississippi River, trying to slow down my breathing, and talking to God about this oh so important subject to me {I'm a pro multi-tasker}, another thought hit me.

I am discontent with my heart, my sin, my attitudes, my selfishness, this life. I'm gonna call this a holy discontentment. I feel like I've heard this terminology around the block somewhere and feel sure there is some actual definition for it, but I'm gonna make my own today.

I believe there is a distinct difference between being discontent with our earthly lives/pleasures/happiness and being discontent with the state of our world, children starving, human trafficking, the lostness of our world. This type of holy discontentment spurs us on to do something. to take action. to show love to others.

Another facet of my holy discontentment concept is a deeper longing for something more only filled by Jesus and a yearning for eternity in the presence of God/His second coming.

I'm discontent with being a mediocre Christian. This is a good thing. I hope I am never content with where I am in my walk with Him. I can't believe that I am about to type this out but discontentment can be a good thing. Especially when it leads me to seek out the Lord to fill that inner longing.

Discontentment that leads me to the feet of Jesus cannot be a bad thing.

The silver lining of this is encouraging to me. I do believe living in ignorance of discontentment in our lives is very dangerous, because obviously that's not leading us to Jesus for fulfillment. I pray that we are always aware and diligently examining our own hearts to determine our true motives and how we can replace the me with Him.

Lord, please use my holy discontentment to impact the world around me for your glory.

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The Long Haul

October 16, 2014 Jenna McMurphy

I am not one to sprint. I love running. It clears my head. Gives me time and space to think and spend time talking to God. I could go out there and run as hard as I can to the finish line but the finish line is nearly 5 miles in the distance. I would lose steam after about oh I don't know five seconds of sprinting. I'm all about the jog to endure the distance. Or the long haul.

For the first two decades of my life, I either refused or loathed running, so to say that I'm not fast is probably a vast understatement. I'm what you might compare to the turtle. Who might I add in the end of the story wins the race. Beside the point. It's unrealistic to expect myself to sprint to the contentment finish line. I would grow weary fast and give up. So pointless.

Slow and steady will get to that proverbial finish line. I feel God telling me to slow down and take it one day at a time. He is so faithful. I have seen countless answered prayers just in the last 16 days of this journey specifically related to my contentment.

"Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one receives the prize? So run that you may obtain it. Every athlete exercises self-control in all things. They do it to receive perishable wealth, but we an imperishable. So I do not run aimlessly; I do not box as one beating the air. But I discipline my body and keep it under control, lest after preaching to others I myself should be disqualified."

{1 Corinthians 9:24-27, ESV}

I'm not giving up. I'm gonna set my jogging pace and keep my eyes fixed on Jesus, the Author and Perfecter of my faith.

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Halfway to Forever

October 16, 2014 Jenna McMurphy

I'd like to say this challenge is halfway over and that in fifteen days I will be cured of discontentment. But we all know that to be untrue.

I couldn't feel it today. I started this day like I have the past fifteen with good quality time with the Lord. But today I just felt off.

I wanted more. I wanted to walk away. I wanted to not have to worry about things. I wanted some rest. I wanted.

I'm about being truthful on here, and today there was no magical contentment moment. I felt so weary. A deep down weary that is stifling, heavy, and unwelcome.

It's not like anyone can look at me and know I'm discontent in that moment. It's such a heart issue, and really I'm a pro at hiding those.

But I don't want to hide it. Halfway to 31 days: yes. Halfway to contentment: I'd say no. Halfway to forever: always. This journey of drawing closer to Jesus is forever.

I may not have felt the overwhelming sense of contentment today but praise God, I have hope for tomorrow. I have hope for a forever spent in relationship with Him. Because he called me to Himself. And I made a decision to follow.

God is purifying me. Making me more like Himself. In order to refine silver, you put it into the fire until the Creator's reflection is seen. Some days feel like I'm in the fire. But the fire is worth it, if I am showing God's reflection somewhere along the way.

Today I'm just gonna run into the arms of Jesus.

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{This series is a part of a writing challenge given by the nester, Myquillyn Smith, to write for 31 Days. You can check the write31days website out here and enjoy hundreds of other bloggers joining together for this challenge. My posts are a part of my personal topic choice of 31 Days of Contentment, and you can find the link for the entire series here.}

I May Be

October 14, 2014 Jenna McMurphy

I may be doing work at home {which is typically against my life rules}. I may be stressed to the max. I may be scared of failing. I may be overwhelmed to potential tears. I may be a complete mess. I may be a whole lot of things that aren't necessary to type out here for you.

But I am NOT going to let this steal my peace. I am NOT going to let this take away my contentment.

This morning in my devotional {SheReadsTruth ... if you haven't heard of it, you should check it out here}, the key verse was 1 Peter 5:12b.

"This is the true grace of God. Stand firm in it."

I felt so much peace as I meditated on that verse this morning. Recapping the book of 1 Peter, I stand firm in the hope God gives, the call to be holy like Him, my adoption as a child of God, freedom of life in Christ.

Tonight as I allowed the cool, fall breeze blow in through our balcony door, breathed in the sweet scent of my marshmallow fireside candle, set my feet up on the coffee table, pressed play on my current Netflix show, and opened my work laptop to do more work, I knew God was with me in this moment. Even if this moment isn't my idea of contentment.

I seek contentment from God. Not my circumstances.

How many times do I have to repeat that to get it into my head? Okay. Well, I will keep trying.

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{This series is a part of a writing challenge given by the nester, Myquillyn Smith, to write for 31 Days. You can check the write31days website out here and enjoy hundreds of other bloggers joining together for this challenge. My posts are a part of my personal topic choice of 31 Days of Contentment, and you can find the link for the entire series here.}

Pressing On

October 13, 2014 Jenna McMurphy

I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed with work this week. Okay. More than a little bit. More like a whole lot. I usually handle stress well, but this week just needs to be over. And quick.

I feel like contentment is literally the last thing on my mind tonight but really the question of the hour is am I content right now. If I'm choosing contentment found in God then obviously I'll be content even in the midst of craziness at work.

If my recent posts have made it seem like I've already attained contentment then let me leave you with this verse for the day:

"Not that I have already obtained all this, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But on thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." Philippians 3:12-14 {NIV}

Even when this challenge ends on October 31, my challenge to find contentment will continue. Every day.

My Prayer

October 12, 2014 Jenna McMurphy

Tonight as I start out on the third week of this writing challenge, I'm taking time to pray. Pray for God to lead me. Type through me. Teach me. Speak to me. Open my eyes to more areas of discontentment.

And pray for those of you around me who are struggling alongside me to find your contentment in God. As I told a friend today, I sincerely hope no one gets the impression that this is easy for me or that I've already found full contentment, because there is nothing further from the truth. This is a never-ending journey that I'm on. I hope you'll continue to join me in the fight for contentment as I power through to the halfway point of this challenge.

Today I'm praying for this journey/challenge and I'm praying for you.

I'm fighting for contentment today. Join me.

Just a Glimpse {Round 2}

October 11, 2014 Jenna McMurphy

Today.

Every moment can bring you contentment if you just look for God in that moment.

This weekend has been another glimpse of what it feels like to be truly content in my current life. God has been so good to me. I love my life.

How could I not? Last night involved half-price appetizers with some co-workers at American Sector restaurant at the WWII museum, delicious seafood from the Louisiana Seafood Festival with great friends, and live music down by the Frenchman Art Market with the roomie.

I am living a life that brings me so much joy. I am content in the moments God has given me. Each moment of the day is a gift from God.

Today. I slept until almost 11am. I did nothing all day. The roomie and I sat and watched the MS State football game {but seriously who am I and what have I done with the old Jenna? & #hailstate}. That's all we did. It was glorious. I did a little work while we watched. Which have I mentioned that I'm thankful for a rewarding job today? The day ended with sushi, a grocery run, and a redbox movie.

I love my life.

The redbox movie I am currently watching is Mom's Night Out, and I must say you moms out there have a very tough job. One in which I'm kind of thankful I don't have today. So props to you moms. I love moms. I happen to have the greatest mom on planet earth. But today I'm content being a single in NOLA.

I eat oysters and watch football. I am a twenty something who is having a blast.

Thank you, God, for giving me contentment in my life.

This is contentment.

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{This series is a part of a writing challenge given by the nester, Myquillyn Smith, to write for 31 Days. You can check the write31days website out here and enjoy hundreds of other bloggers joining together for this challenge. My posts are a part of my personal topic choice of 31 Days of Contentment, and you can find the link for the entire series here.}

A Heart Divided

October 10, 2014 Jenna McMurphy

My heart betrays me.

I love New Orleans. I love it so much. I love the people. I love the culture. I love the food. I love the festivals. I love the atmosphere. I love the opportunities to serve. I love all things NOLA.

But sometimes. Just sometimes. I'm reminded of how my heart longs for another city hidden away in the northeastern corner of Asia.

The discontentment comes when I think about all that I could be doing in East Asia. The life I could be leading. The people I could be doing life with.

Even though my heart longed for the simpler, less stressful life in EA this morning, I realized in the midst of that that my contentment cannot be contingent upon my circumstances. As long as I choose contentment now. today. in Christ, nothing that comes my way will be able to shake my contentment.

I'm choosing the now. I'm choosing to be content in Jesus and where He has me today.

She Laughed

October 9, 2014 Jenna McMurphy

She laughed. Can you believe that?

Let me catch you up. My morning chronological Bible plan had me engrossed once again in the story of Sarah and Abraham in the book of Genesis. If you ever want to be reminded that you're not the only one to mess up, doubt God, or just be plain stupid, go read the story of these two. I love them, but they had their absolute fair share of human moments {don't we all?}.

As I was reading the story {found in Genesis 18}, I couldn't help but correlate the state of Sarah's heart with my own. She had unfulfilled longings and desires in her heart just like me. Oh how she longed and desired for a child of her own. God had made all these promises to them, and I'm gonna go out on a limb and say she was probably a little over it. She was NINETY YEARS OLD. I know things were different back then, but even in these verses, Sarah says for herself that she is so far past childbearing age that it is laughable. Which is exactly what she did when she was eavesdropping on Abraham and God's conversation. She laughed. Not the overflowing of joy type of laugh but the you have got to be kidding me type of laugh.

Let it be known that I'm taking some liberties with my interpretation of this story and am allowing God to use this to help me move forward in my journey toward contentment. I think Sarah temporarily forgot who God is and all that He had done previously in their lives. She saw her circumstance as the world sees it. She had missed the window of opportunity. She had even gone so far as to give her own maidservant over to her husband to try and fulfill God's promise on her own. hmmm ... sounds familiar.

I know the promises God has made, and number one on the list today is Psalm 37:4. Bet you've heard it before. And I also bet you've heard it misused before.

"Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart" {NIV}

The whole verse is meant to pull us in, because we are human and want for things that will not fulfill us. God knows we will turn to that verse and only see that God will give us the desires of our heart while we choose to ignore the part where He says take delight in me. When we take delight in Him {which today I feel like for me delighting in Him means finding my contentment in Him}, our desires automatically match His desires.

Sometimes I feel like as I move further into my twenties {mid-twenties currently/soon to be late twenties}, the culture's expectations of my life schedule makes me feel like Sarah. Let's face it. In the South, married at 22 is the norm. Unmarried at 25: not normal. I feel like Sarah with unfulfilled longings for the expected life, but that's not really what I want. I want true and full contentment in God and what He has planned for my life. I don't want to laugh like Sarah did. I want to laugh like the Proverbs 31 woman as it says "she is clothed with strength and dignity; she can {laugh} at the days to come." NIV, Emphasis mine

If you keep reading in Genesis, you see that God had a plan for Sarah and Abraham. She may have laughed, but God showed her who is in control. God did come through on His promises. He will come through on His promises in my life and your life. He is faithful. He will never fail me or you. He loves me and you. So much so that He sent His one and only son to die on a cross for my sins. for your sins. That we might have a relationship with Him.

I think I just said it right there. There's my contentment.

Don't Look Back

October 9, 2014 Jenna McMurphy

Lot's wife did. And look what happened to her. She became a pillar of salt.

Let's play catch up again. So Abraham and Lot. Uncle and nephew. {Genesis 13} Lot chose the better portion of the land or so he thought. He parted ways with Abraham and lived among the people in Sodom and Gomorrah. {Genesis 19} He lived among them and joined right in on their wicked lifestyle. God spared him and his family when he destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah. The angels told them to get out fast and not look back. As Lot and his family were fleeing, his wife stopped. She looked back. Look where it got her. Nothing more than a pile of salt.

It does no good to look back. I've spent a lot of time being discontent with my past. One particular instance came to mind the other day as I was reading along with a fellow write 31 days challenge blogger {alizanaomi.com}. She recounted an incredibly embarrassing moment for her, and it triggered a painful memory of my own. Pretty sure it was my sophomore year of high school. {background info: I was not the popular girl. at all. I did not fit the mold of a normal girl. I was overweight. I was a giant and by that I mean I was already/still 5 feet 11 inches tall and 6 feet in heels and all the boys were my height or shorter. I was not "pretty." I did not fit in.} Where I grew up we had this thing called cotillion. Some girls were members of "the club." Two dances were held each year. About two to three months before the big "dance" {which also entailed an announcement/walk out of members and their dates}, there was a big formal meeting where the members got "date sheets." All the members {which if you haven't already concluded are all girls} asked the guys at the specific time as soon as we had our "date sheet" in hand. If two girls wanted to ask the same guy, whoever got through on his phone first got to ask him. Seeing as I was not popular or pretty or even liked by any guys for that matter, this was already a huge stressor for me. I had self-esteem issues out the wazoo and hated putting myself out there like that. Unfortunately if I didn't do it/didn't find a date and attend the event, I would have to pay a fine. Long story short. The boy I was going to ask answered the phone, hung up on me, and then said no. Another boy I called next told me he had a conflict which if I remember correctly ended up being a lie. {background info: boys weren't really allowed to say no unless they had a legitimate conflict otherwise they were blackballed or not allowed to go to the event with anyone else.} I still cringe thinking back on this. I was mortified. humiliated. Everything I had ever thought about myself had been confirmed in that span of 30 minutes.
I was ugly.
I was unwanted.
I was a loser.
I was fat.
I was nothing.
I wanted to crawl in a hole and die. I couldn't face the reality of what had just happened.
I don't even remember what I told people about why I wasn't going. I don't think I told the truth. Looking back brings so much discontentment over what could have been/should have been/might have been.

When we dwell on the past, it is easy to get sucked into what used to be and lose sight of the present. I could wallow in that pain and wonder how God could have allowed that to happen to me. I did spend many years in bitterness and anger toward my past. I have given too much power to the past and provided an open door for discontentment to build up in my heart and life.

Crazy sometimes how God can take an Old Testament story and bring it to life in all new ways in order to teach me about my own life. I'm learning step by step how to be content with my past and the hurts that have built up high walls around my heart. I have to fight off that bitterness, anger, and seeds of discontentment and replace them with a peace in knowing that my worth and contentment are found in Jesus.

I am content with the life that has played out in my past, because God taught me through the pain that He is the only one who will never let me down. never fail me. never let go.

It's time to stop looking back.
It's time to look ahead to Jesus.

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{This series is a part of a writing challenge given by the nester, Myquillyn Smith, to write for 31 Days. You can check the write31days website out here and enjoy hundreds of other bloggers joining together for this challenge. My posts are a part of my personal topic choice of 31 Days of Contentment, and you can find the link for the entire series here.}

The Other Side

October 7, 2014 Jenna McMurphy

Comparison has been said to be the thief of joy. This is so true. Comparison steals more than my joy but also my contentment.

But the silliest part of all is that I have an extraordinarily rewarding job. This morning I got 21 hugs before 10 am. Twenty. One. It started with one little voice of a little girl looking up at me with those oh so innocent eyes and asking me if she could give me a hug which led to me being placed in the center of the room because then all 21 students wanted to give me a hug.

Children. They are the reason I went into speech pathology. I find incomparable contentment in my job. Sure if I compare to others, I can always find the down side to it. There are countless people who have far more glamorous jobs and far more time to sleep. All I think about is sleep. Seriously. Is there a job where I can sleep? Just kidding. Kind of.

No but really. The gift of communication. That's what SLPs do. We give the gift of communication.

I am content when I see the progress that my kiddos are making. I find contentment in the opportunity I have to love these little kids and tell them they matter and assure them they can do anything they put their mind to.

Contentment isn't found in earthly things. I truly find my contentment in the fact that I'm doing what God wants me to do. No more comparing what could be. What might be. What should be.

I'm stepping out on the other side. Welcome to the other side of contentment.

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{This series is a part of a writing challenge given by the nester, Myquillyn Smith, to write for 31 Days. You can check the write31days website out here and enjoy hundreds of other bloggers joining together for this challenge. My posts are a part of my personal topic choice of 31 Days of Contentment, and you can find the link for the entire series here.}

My Story Versus His Story

October 6, 2014 Jenna McMurphy

In life there are always two sides to a story.

It's all based on perception. 3 people see the same event from different angles. Depending on their view and possibly what's in their line of sight, they may all see the event differently. We as humans are not all-knowing or all-seeing, therefore, it is impossible for us to focus on more than one thing. The visual in my mind is a car wreck. One person sees the front car slam on their brakes to avoid a dog running across the street. The next person can't see the dog for the tree and only sees the second car looking at their phone. The third person had their back to the accident and only heard the sound of crushing metal. At the end of the day, each person may conclude a different car is at fault.

We only see the picture before us. No more. No less. We make assumptions and conclusions based on such a small viewpoint that we have of our lives and of others' lives.

Case in point: As I have talked about on my blog in the past, my senior year of high school was traumatic to say the least. The church I grew up in changed. People changed. Those who I once thought loved me and cared about me and wanted to help me were the exact ones tearing me down, accusing me, and making me never want to step foot in a church again. So it was definitely a more general attack of one half of the church against the other. But let's face it. It felt personal. It felt like a knife had been put in my back. I was angry. I could not understand why all these bad things were happening. I could only see that single isolated part of the story.

Now I look back and see how God used that experience to strengthen my walk with Him. He used it to give me a greater appreciation for His Church and what it's supposed to look like. He taught me how to forgive. how to love when it's not deserved. how to be a friend. how to keep my mouth shut. how to speak up. how to move on from a particularly difficult season.

Do you think for a second that I was content during that season? I wasn't.
Do you think for a second that I would've chosen that for my self? I wouldn't.

But am I so thankful for that growth in my life and all that God taught me. Contentment is God-given, but it's also a choice. God offers us contentment in whatever season of life we are in and whatever circumstance we have found ourselves in, but it is up to us to choose to find our contentment in Him and His story for our lives.

I choose contentment. Why? Because I know God is writing my story for His glory. I gave up the stage a long time ago, and it is time to release creative control and find contentment in the story God has given me. I cannot forget that the story He has written is going to far surpass my imagination and bring everything full circle for His glory.

I choose His story for me. I choose contentment in the story He is writing. I choose to find my contentment in the Giver not myself.

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{This series is a part of a writing challenge given by the nester, Myquillyn Smith, to write for 31 Days. You can check the write31days website out here and enjoy hundreds of other bloggers joining together for this challenge. My posts are a part of my personal topic choice of 31 Days of Contentment, and you can find the link for the entire series here.}

The Contentment Glow

October 5, 2014 Jenna McMurphy

I didn't know such a thing existed until tonight. But apparently it's a real thing.

After yesterday's glimpse of contentment, I didn't know how the "post-awesome day" would go, but it has been just as lovely.

Beginning with church in the park. Worshipping Jesus with a cool, fall breeze surrounded by fellow believers. Some alligator sausage and chicken gumbo with new friends while watching the Saints win. A nap. A glorious Sunday nap. Joining together with Level Ground Church to worship our Risen Savior, be challenged to live out our faith, and taking communion in remembrance of Jesus' sacrifice for our sins. All followed with more new friends, lots of laughter, and some delicious New Orleans food.

Before church started, a friend walked up to me and said I was glowing. He asked why I was so happy and how life was going. My response: I'm content.

The usual assumption when a girl is glowing is that she's in love. And boy am I. I am so in love with Jesus. This weekend I have experienced more contentment than I think I even thought possible.

Tonight as I thought about "the glow" I began to see myself so clearly. I'm content with my story. I'm content with whatever the Lord has planned for me.

I'm content. Praise the Lord. Today, I'm content.