True Life:

I am a {second year} speech-language pathology graduate student. 

Today {August 15, 2012} marks the last first day of a school year for this girl. Can I hear a hallelujah? Seriously, this is epic. Okay, maybe not as epic as graduation day on May 11, 2013 {yep, that's the date. there is a countdown. you should mark your calendar.}, but nonetheless, this is quite an accomplishment considering the difficult path my classmates and I have walked to get here.

On the downside, I am realizing that the free time that I have so come to enjoy over the summer is long gone. I've only sat through one {2 hour and 45 minute} class, and I am already prepping my mind for a reduced zero social life policy. Now I'm back to homework-filled weekends and stress-induced meltdowns.
 {my apologies in advance to my poor parents who will receive the brunt of these inevitable meltdowns}

Just want to share two things that came from the {terrible, no good, horrible, very bad} past/first year of graduate school ...

Lesson learned:

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 Verse of choice for meditating when stressed:

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I just have to keep reminding myself of this: there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I can do this. 

269 days.

God is good all the time.

Learning to be the light,
Jenna

Love Story in the Making

When I was younger, I occasionally toyed with the idea of becoming a writer. I love to read novels, and I love to write. Having that type of control over a story would be nearly intoxicating. This should come as no surprise {considering my ongoing power struggle}. On the other hand, I never really saw myself with the needed focus to be a real writer, so I think I'll stick to my blogging.

Why have I always been so enamored with writing? Well, upon completing the 5th book in my most favorite series ever {the O'Malley series by Dee Henderson} for the sixth or seventh time, it made sense. I love to have creative control. I have seriously read enough romance, Christian, fiction books to create a type of love story encyclopedia. now wouldn't that be interesting? but seriously, I so could. The worst part {or I guess you could say the best part} is that these precious, heart-melting love stories centralize around God. Two people strongly committed to Christ and devoted to making a relationship/marriage work with God as it's foundation. What makes it so bad is that is exactly what I want.

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I want to write my own story. I want creative control of my life. I want to take the best of the best and incorporate it into the most moving love story of all time that brings more glory to God than ever imagined. But you've already seen the flaw in my plan, haven't you? Me.Me.Me.Me.Me. That is what my world revolves around, so no wonder I have such a distorted view. My shortcomings make me sick to my stomach, because how could I ever want my earthly plans for a love story when the Bible says that God can give us more than we could ever ask or imagine. In reality, if God gave me the love story that I could write, it would probably be less than mediocre.

Now let me provide some clarification on this whole {love story} business. I don't necessarily mean love as in marriage. I only mean an intimate love that can be found through Jesus Christ. Marriage or no marriage, there is still very much a love story to be told, because my relationship with God should tell a love story each and every day. There is so much pressure to be in a {earthly} relationship, get engaged, get married, have 2.5 children, and live happily after. But if God didn't create me for anything else, I'm pretty sure He put me here to ROCK THE BOAT. 

Quick confession: All of this pressure on marriage has almost broken me. I cannot deny that. So much so that at one point I almost took off my true love waits ring out of sheer embarrassment over my singleness. My thoughts were this: How pathetic it must look for me to continue wearing a ring that was meant as a promise to stay pure until marriage if I never get married.

But then it hit me {in good ole' God hittin' me with a 2x4 fashion). This ring is more than a promise to stay pure until marriage. This ring is a covenant that I made with God at a very young age to stay pure for Him. There are two scenarios in which this covenant can play out:

1} Let's say by some miracle that I do get married. This ring still and will always represents a pledge of purity that I have taken to regard my body as God's temple and to remain pure until I am married to a man. 

2} But if singleness is God's plan for my life, OKAY. that's it. okay. My covenant to treat my body as His temple and stay pure in thought and action is still relevant. Outside of marriage, I am still called to live a life of purity.

I get a lot of questions about my ring. It surprises people, and honestly, most people don't know what they are anymore. This is mostly because true love waits rings have gotten a bad reputation for being misused and abused. They became more about being a {church-y} thing to do instead of a covenant with God to live and pure and holy lifestyle that is pleasing to Him. I don't wear this ring as a hopeful reminder that I must get married one day to fulfill my pledge of purity until marriage. When you really think about, purity doesn't stop once you're married. Hence the reason the majority of marriages inevitably end in divorce. The marriage commitment has been watered down, and individuals are not staying pure within their marriage. Whew. that is a topic for a whole 'nother post. Anyway.

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If it is God's will for me to be married, I am certain it will be the most epic {earthly} love story considering what I have been through in my single years and my complete lack of experience in the relationship department. No, seriously. If only I knew God's plans. Let's just say that there is more to the story, and it would probably be so comical that someone would want to make a TV show about it.

However, if I stay single, it will also remain the greatest love story of all.  A love story that began over 2,000 years ago when God became flesh, lived a perfect life on earth, and sacrificed his own life for mine. Who wouldn't want that love story? How many people can say their spouse gave up their life and saved them from eternal separation from Christ? No one? Really? Hmmm. I think that pretty much rates at the top of the list for love stories.

Learning to BE the Light,
Jenna

The Grass is Always Greener

... on the other side.

No, but seriously. We always look at the other side, and all we can see is the luscious, green grass that probably feels like carpet under your feet on the other side. Who doesn't do this? If you raised your hand, then Im gonna go ahead and just tell you that denial is not healthy.

Let's recap.

When I was elementary age, I wanted to be in 6th grade and go on the Washington D.C. trip. When I was in 6th grade, I wanted to be in junior high. When I was in junior high, I wanted to be in high school. When I was in high school, I wanted to be a senior. When I was a senior, I wanted to be in college. When I was in college, I wanted to be in grad school. When I started grad school, I just wanted to be done with my first year.

I have always thought the grass was greener on the other side. I have always thought that the next step was gonna be so much more fun, more liberating, more exciting, more rewarding, more everything. When I was in high school, I just wanted to be taking courses which were relevant to my course of study. When I finally got to those courses, I wanted to death sprint back to easy high school classes. My whole life I have dreamed of being this close to the rest of my life. Finishing school. Doing what God wants me to do.

{Here's the problem} Now I'm here standing of that supposed luscious, green carpet grass and I'm terrified. Of decisions. Of the unknown. Of the vast openness of the future. Of being a grown up.

Now I would much rather go back to what seemed like easier times where I didn't have to make life-changing decisions which will affect me for the rest of my life. It'd be one thing if my decisions were between getting a tattoo or a job. Buying a snake or a house. Eating an eyeball or an apple. You see these are examples of easy decisions {for me, at least}. No, the decisions looming over me are whether to work at a school or a nursing home or a hospital. Whether to go overseas never or first or later or forever. One decision leads to another and another and another. And eventually, I can't see up from down or left from right. The decisions pile up, and I just can't handle it.

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Why did I think the grass would be greener on this side? Clearly, grass is only as green as you allow it to be. If onlys could eat me alive if I really thought about all the time I wasted wishing for the carpet grass on the other side instead of watering the grass I was standing on. The same goes for my view on singleness. The grass is always gonna be greener when I'm focusing on the other side instead my own side. There are gonna be {pros and cons} to every single stage of life, every patch of grass, every step on the road. We choose to only see the pros of that other patch of grass. In reality, both singleness and marriage, high school and college, schools and hospitals, are going to be equally amazing and difficult, easy and hard, wonderful and miserable. It's just the way we choose to look at.

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I'm gonna water the grass in my right here and right now. I'm gonna do this by listening to God, studying His Word, and talking to Him constantly. Although these decisions overwhelm me and put my stomach into knots with dinosaurs rolling around in there, I know I can trust God to lead me to the right path.

I don't usually do this, but I do ask for your prayers during this time in my life. The decisions are unending, and more than anything in this world, I want to bring glory to God and follow Him wherever He leads. I've asked for a burning bush, but no matter how many times I ask for one, God seems to stick to the {subtle} in my life. Oh well. It's always worth a try. 

Triple Threat Thursday

well, I began my Thursday morning with a good workout, some Jesus time, and a healthy breakfast. hence my triple threat.

Thank you, God, for another day to serve you.

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As some may know, I've gotten back up on the horse for having a healthy lifestyle, and I feel GREAT. I haven't lost any weight, but that's okay. I just spent time in God's word the other night reading what He has to say about the way I treat my body and the things I put into it. I was really caught off guard by a verse I have read many times. Let me paraphrase for lack of time: Everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial. Everything is permissible, but I will not be mastered by anything
{1 Corinthians 6}.

I've been mastered by food and my weight for too long. God tells me that my body is His temple, and I should honor Him with my body. This part of my life has been anything BUT honoring to Him over the last few years. 

This changes now.

I'm tired of being terrified of living my entire life in this miserable state. I'm discouraged every time I try to succeed all on my own. God reminds me He is with me ... wherever I go. He is with me. I can be strong and courageous when I know He is by my side. He will never leave me nor forsake me. He is my Savior. my Rock. my Prince of Peace. my First Love. He is my Everything. And it's about time I start treating Him that way.

Learning to be the Light,

Jenna

Long Time Coming

You should be warned that this blog post is about to open with a disclaimer, so run away quickly if this frightens you nearly as much as it does me.

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 As promised, my disclaimer is this: I typically avoid any and all touchy subjects, and I am more likely to run over my own foot with my car than make a public opinion on a controversial topic. I am definitely more inclined to share my opinion face-to-face {so as to ensure full understanding of my meaning}, but this particular subject has been weighing on my heart for a couple days now. ever since I read these verses:

"I appeal to you, brothers, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that all of you agree with one another so that there may be no divisions among you and that you may be perfectly united in mind and thought. My brothers, some from Chloe's household have informed me that there are quarrels among you. What I mean is this: One of you says, 'I follow Paul'; another, 'I follow Apollos'; another,  'I follow Cephas'; still another, 'I follow Christ.' Is Christ divided? Was Paul crucified for you? Were you baptized into the name of Paul? I am thankful that I did not baptize any of you except Crispus and Gaius, so no one can say that you were baptized into my name. (Yes, I also baptized the household of Stephanas; beyond that, I don't remember if I baptized anyone else.) For Christ did not send me to baptize, but to preach the gospel - not with words of human wisdom, lest the cross of Christ be emptied of its power." 1 Corinthians 1:10-17

Now, I know you might be thinking what on earth this has to do with the price of rice in China, but hear me out. I'm not gonna go into detail {because that could take years}, but let's just say that Calvinism and I have had a very rocky relationship. I watched my dear friend, John Calvin, rip a church apart at the seams, chew up the people, and spit them back out {great visual, right?}. From the time I first heard his name, it just never set well with me. Okay, let's hold up a second and go ahead and get something out of the way. This post is in no way going to delve into the theology and philosophical stylings of any man other than Jesus, so feel free to take a deep breath if you were getting ready to drill me with your opinion on the matter.

Here's my opinion:
John Calvin is a man; therefore, I will never {EVER} use his name as a label for myself. The only name I will proclaim and represent is that of Jesus Christ, who died on a cross for our sins in order to bring salvation to the world. Did John Calvin save anyone from the fiery pits of hell? I didn't think so. I understand people's desire to study theology and have a strong sense of what they believe in, BUT I am totally opposed to the creation of {what has probably become} the largest division in our faith. It is so unbelievably frustrating to me that people have allowed themselves to be placed in a category based on the names of two men who were born ordinary and died ordinary men. This is an age old problem. Even back in the good ole days, Paul was having to address the people about divisions among them. The people were labeling themselves as followers of Cephas or Apollos or Paul. Needless to say, Paul was disgusted {well, at least I would be}.

Let me ask you this: Is Christ divided? NO. Absolutely not. The Bible tells us over and over again that we are the body of Christ which has many parts but all works together in unison. We are to be united. As I watched my church fall to pieces and people leaving left and right, I became angry and bitter. I pretended for about a year that I was over it. That it didn't hurt me. That I didn't care. But it did hurt me. I did care. For quite a while when I was alone in Columbus, I stopped going to church altogether. Of course, I put on a good show. No one could tell the difference. No one here knew or cared if I went to church on Sunday morning. No matter how many different churches I went to, all I could see was that the very people who I had trusted and loved had turned their back on me. It doesn't matter to me if I was wrong or right, but what does matter is that the moment it created a division in the body of Christ, it was no longer of Christ.

Although I have finally moved away from that anger and bitterness that had overtaken my heart all those years ago, I have still been harboring unforgiveness in my heart for some of the people who hurt me the most. I'll never understand the decision they made to allow this to come between us, but I also know that it all got me to the place I am today. A very good place. A place where I can firmly and boldly proclaim these words: I am a follower of Jesus Christ not John Calvin or Jacobus Arminius. These names mean nothing to me, and although I fully intend to study every word of every verse of every chapter of every book of the Word of God until the day I die, I am only human just as you are. If we understood everything, we would be God. And SHOCKER: We aren't God. In v.17, our obligation and privilege is to preach the Gospel. NOT with words of human wisdom, lest the cross of Christ be emptied of its power.

In some ways, this post represents my release of this struggle and hurt. I have now been blessed with two church families where I have been refreshed and renewed by my time there. There will always be a special place in my heart for my church "home" all those years ago, and I know that God is continuing to do a good work there with those who remain. I hate to see God's children divided between two earthly men who held no power other than maybe the power of words. Throughout mine and Calvinism's rocky relationship, I have experienced a wide range of emotions {none of which were typically positive}, but ultimately, I am thankful for the fact that it has driven me deeper into the Word of God. The deeper I go, the more adamant I am to label myself as only one thing. a Jesus Follower.

Learning to be the Light,
Jenna

Oh How He Loves

There are moments when I feel worthless. unattractive. overweight. unlovable. lonely. crazy. stupid. There are times when I feel like a loser. failure. Sometimes my train of thought just drifts to the most negative place possible. The place where you convince yourself that you aren't worthy of anyone's time. that you aren't worthy of anyone's love. that you aren't worthy of being happy. 

Who hasn't been there? {at some point or another} 

The problem comes when we allow Satan to make us believe all of these lies. because that's all they are. LIES. because even when we are in these dark places. God can find us right where we are. He loves us beyond words. David Crowder Band's song, "How He Loves," says it better than I can:

He is jealous for me, Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy
When all of sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory
And I realize just how beautiful you are, and how great your affections are for me

And oh, how He loves us, oh how He loves us,
How He loves us, oh how he loves

We are His portion and He is our prize, Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes
If grace is an ocean, we're all sinking
So Heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss, and my heart turns violently inside of my chest
I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way

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Relationships and marriage surround me. Attempting to swallow me whole. Into an abyss of failure and loneliness. I'm not in a relationship. I'm not married. Yet I waste my time and energy stressing and worrying pointlessly. God doesn't want this for me. He wants so much more. He wants to rescue me from these lies and the large abyss that I've created around me. He wants to take me into His arms and never let me go. He wants to comfort me. He wants to love me unconditionally. He wants me. just as I am. He wants me. 

In fact, the truth is: He is JEALOUS for me. Did you hear that? Let me say it again for emphasis. He is JEALOUS for me. He is jealous for my time. my attention. my focus. my heart. my emotions. my thoughts. my everything.

When I waste time allowing the world to define what my life should look like, I choose to set God aside and focus on the things of this world. I put God on the shelf of my heart and inform Him that He isn't good enough and isn't satisfying me. Enough. No more. It's time to give up the fight. There is peace found in His arms.Everlasting peace. hope. love. He is offering me the intimate relationship I so crave. Ultimately, He is the only one who can satisfy me.

Hearing these words reminds me that I am loved. I am worthy. I am not alone. I am beautiful. I am His. He loves me just the way I am. And He is jealous for me. 

Learning to be the Light,
Jenna

Step Right Up

... to the Waiting Game. Where the waiting seems endless but the Lord is good. 

Psalm 27

The Lord is my light and my salvation 

Whom shall I fear? Whom shall I be afraid?

The Lord is my stronghold when the armies besiege me

My heart will not fear. My heart will not fear.

My heart says of you, "Seek His face."

Your face, Lord, will I seek

Wait for the Lord

Be strong and take heart

Wait for the Lord

For He is good

Wait for the Lord

Be strong and take heart

He is good as He says in His Word

Wait for the Lord

Hear my voice when I call your name

Be merciful and answer my cry

Teach me your way, O Lord. Make the path straight before me

Do not turn away. Do not turn away.

My heart says of you, "Seek His face."

Your face, Lord, will I seek

Wait for the Lord

Be strong and take heart

Wait for the Lord

For He is good

Wait for the Lord

Be strong and take heart

He is good as He says in His Word

Wait for the Lord

WAIT FOR THE LORD.

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When God placed this song on mine and Kayla's heart, I think He got His message across.

I'm waiting. I have so many prayers that I have lifted up, and although there's no answers, I feel the Lord telling me to wait for His timing.

And so I wait.

Learning to be the Light,
Jenna

Anything BUT Easy

Why did I think that obeying God was going to get me an automatic easy card? Nope. Didn't happen.

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Well, I made the hard decision that I was struggling so hard with. For some super strange reason, I thought once I made the decision {to get the regular braces like I knew God wanted me to} that I would be uber happy about it. Needless to say, I'm gonna have to steer clear of metal detectors for the next two years.

Let's just say that my first reaction was not pretty. I'm not very proud of my initial reaction considering I barely made it to my car before I burst into tears. Why I thought this was going to be easy is a complete mystery to me. Honestly, I looked in the mirror and thought "holy crap, I have braces." My teeth hurt, and at the moment, I can't even talk without being painfully aware of the gigantic row of metal on my upper teeth. At this point, I'm not even sure what I was thinking. The complications that would have come down the road {10 LONG years from now} are starting to seem rather minor. Talk about a major wake up call. All I've ever wanted is to be beautiful. But no matter what I've done over the years {lose weight, clear up my face, wear makeup, buy cute clothes, etc}, none of it has ever worked. This just goes to show how ridiculously imperfect I am ... that I refuse to see myself through God's eyes. I've insisted on viewing myself as the world sees me. overweight. acne. abnormally tall. bad teeth. and the list goes on and on and on. What is wrong with me? Why do I continue to compare myself to the world's standards when God is standing there begging me to let it go and find my worth and beauty in Him.

I didn't realize how hard it was gonna be to get braces again. My {self-conscious sally} is back in full force, and I'm not even gonna lie ... I'm scared to smile. I'm scared that all anyone will see is the crazy large hunks of metal in my mouth. I'm overreacting, I know. I really thought I was gonna look in the mirror and see the finished product. Surprise. Nope, you're right. Still didn't happen.

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Here's the good news:
God is not finished with me yet. He's still working on me each and every day. This next season in my life as {brace face} is going to once again draw me closer to Him. That's really all I want anyway. I may lose sight of that purpose every now and then, but ultimately, I just want my life to glorify Him. I'm pretty unhappy with myself and how shallow I am at this point in my life, so in this moment, I'm just thankful that God will never be finished with me.

Let me just leave you with the lesson I learned from this crossroads in my life ... just because God places us in a certain situation or brings us to a specific place in our lives doesn't mean it is going to be easy or fun. But one thing we can be sure of is that if He brings us to it, He'll bring us through it. Praise God for that.

Learning to be the Light,
Jenna

oh, so troubling

What's troubling, you ask? A tweet that I saw quite a while ago. But I can't seem to find it now. Obviously, I found this tweet extremely troubling, because even months later it is still bothering me.

Although I couldn't find the exact quote, it was something to this effect:
All of these Christian girls committing to "date" God {aka spend time with Him that they would spend with a significant other until they find "the one"} implies that once they do find "the one", they will immediately break up with God since there's no time for Him anymore and they're task is essentially done now that they've found Mr. Right.

WRONG.

Am I the only one troubled by this? This quote was made by a man and more than likely a pastor or leader in the church. And this is his view of young, single girls {in the church more than likely}? There is something majorly wrong with this picture painted. Clearly, we girls are doing something wrong. We are sending the wrong message if this is what our own leaders are saying of our choice to spend these years of our life focused on God instead of worldly things.

I'm not saying that some girls don't do this exact thing, because they do. It is a tragedy to me that any girl would choose to focus her life on an earthly man over God, but it happens all the time.

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Here's my take on this:
Yes, I am single. And yes, the concept of "dating" God is quite a lofty goal considering the time, effort, and brain power a girl/woman puts into a dating relationship. I mean think about it. An average day dating a guy looks about like this {from my knowledge of others' relationships, of course. Since I have no experience in this actual dept.}: consistent communicating throughout the day starting in the morning upon waking until nighttime when going to sleep. Endless text messages, at least a 30 minute to 1 hour phone call, possibly even face-to-face chatting for up to 4 hours. I've never been in a relationship, so I honestly couldn't tell you how this actually works {but I've gotten this information from first-hand observations}. That is a lot of time in the day. I know it's done on a regular basis. So imagine this. If we were to "date" God, our relationships with Him would be out of this world. I cannot even wrap my mind around it. I could probably memorize the entire Bible spending that much time of my day, week, year with God. Isn't He worthy of that kind of time? Shouldn't we be spending that time with him first and giving the leftovers to significant others instead of the other way around?

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So now you understand the concept I'm getting at, right? I really do wish I knew who said this, because I just know I've completely slaughtered the real quote. The part I wanted to really make a point on is this: when I started out on this journey of singleness, my intentions to "date" God {or what I'd like to call "falling more madly in love with my Creator and the Lover of my Soul"} were fully meant to grow closer to Him, learn more about Him, focus more time on Him, and fall more in love with Him. I would never want anyone to think that this is just a temporary relationship that I'm using to bide my time until Mr. Right comes along. No thank you. This time is so important to me, because the stronger I become in Him means the stronger I can be if God so chooses for me to marry.

My decision to "date" God {or simply focus more on Him than earthly relationships} is one made out of a desire and passion to be a woman after God's own heart. I want to be a shining light for Christ. I never intend for this to change. The closer I grow to Him and the stronger our relationship just gives me a stronger foundation to build on.

Learning to be the Light,
Jenna

{you're so vain}

and by you're, I mean I'm. I'm so vain.

Let me clarify. My teeth. I hate them. My teeth have been the source of numerous self-image issues. To say that my teeth have bothered me is the understatement of the {century}. I had braces from 5th to 7th grade. talk about traumatizing. The only bright side to that was that I got the dang things off before I started 7th grade which was a pretty big deal at my small school. moving up the hill. as we called it. sorry, I drifted there. Anyway, I was so thankful to get rid of those things that the retainer {they told a thirteen year old to wear morning, noon, and night} was quickly lost forgotten. I knew it was a bad idea, but I wasn't old enough or mature enough to really see the consequences that would come later.

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well, welcome to later. here I am at twenty-three years old. unhappy with my teeth. {rightfully so considering this is all my fault} I love to smile. so much. I love to smile at everyone. and I really mean everyone. I especially love to smile at people who least expect it. I love to see the surprise on their face. {especially when I am in East Asia. It really catches them off guard} My hope and prayer is that in some small way I can shine the light of Christ in my smile. Maybe. Just maybe a smile can open their heart. Over the years, I have just dealt with my insecurities and at least come to terms with some of them. I've learned to smile anyway and ignore the imperfections; however, it's always been at the back of my mind. something to deal with later. there's that word again. later. I've spent too much of my life saying later. There are more medical-related complications behind my desire to fix my teeth that are just a little too confusing for me, but here lies my problem:

Inevitably, I'm getting braces. Going into this process I was quite set on either getting invisalign or the new "behind the teeth" braces, because like I already clearly stated, I am so vain. I care what people think. I care about what I look like. I care about what my smile looks like. I care what I look like in pictures. Well, {unfortunately for my ridiculously vain thoughts) I just don't know what to do. It's slightly {very likely} possible that God wants me to prove that it's not about looks. it's not about what others think. I know He is trying to make a point in my life, and I am struggling against Him tooth and nail. I think He wants me to do the exact thing I don't want to do. Get the regular braces. wow. I think it actually pains me to say that. whew. I wish there was a magic eight ball built into the Bible. I need answers. And clear ones at that. I'm at a loss. Why does God always want to make me a better Christian? Why does He always want me to grow? Sometimes I just don't want to. 

Why am I writing about this? I have no idea. Maybe I'm writing for accountability. advice. suggestions. prayers. I don't know. I just know that when God lays things on my heart, I have a responsibility to share it for even that one person who might need to hear that someone else struggles too. And by struggle, I mean STRUGGLE. When I started this blog, I promised both God and you {those of you who are brave enough to read my crazy thoughts} that I would share from my  heart {the good, the bad, and the ugly}. this is my ugly. I'm vain and forgive me for continuing to use this word over and over again, but there really is no other word to use to describe me.

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In these moments, I'm clinging to these verses. Isaiah 43:1-3 "Fear not for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior."

There is far more to the story and weighing on my heart. but I think you got the gist of it. I'm not perfect. Far from it actually. But God continues to whisper these words into my heart, and I can't help but succumb to His words. the redeeming power of his love. He saw me as worthy. worthy of His love. of His forgiveness. of His salvation. of His embrace. worthy of being rescued.

My struggles are real {as real as the keyboard beneath my fingers}. No matter the struggle, I belong to Christ. He calls me by name. I am His. If no one {on this earth}ever looks at me and tells me that I'm worthy, it won't matter. because God loved me first. loved me last. and loved me always. 

Sweet Relief

I have {what I'd like to call} a short blurb that I've chosen to describe myself. The first line of it is "missions is my heart." And if you know me at all, that one was a no-brainer. There really aren't words to describe the feeling I have when I'm in Ukraine or East Asia or anywhere else in the world for that matter. I can't explain. I can't help but look at my life every now and then and wonder why I'm one of the few who aches to be in another country.

It sounds crazy, right? You don't think I've thought the same thing? Well, I have. Many times. Just any little thing will set me off into crazy, absurd, emotional breakdowns. The sight of my {still needing to be unpacked} suitcase in my floor will trigger it. The note from my little rabbit, Lily, in the front of my Bible. The sound of I Have Decided to Follow Jesus playing on the piano. More times than not I just lie in bed and wonder about the future. Your guess is as good as mine, but one thing I know for sure is that God has {GREAT} things in store.

You know East Asia isn't my {what you might call} "home" country, but since coming "home" I've realized that there is something I find so refreshing and relieving when I am there. {as always, you had to know I was gonna bring this back around to my usual and probably somewhat annoying topic of marriage/singleness}

When I'm there, there's no pressure, no there-must-be-something-wrong-with-her stares, no pity, no sympathy. Only {sweet relief}. No one and I mean no one asks me when I'm getting married. No one thinks it's strange that I'm in no hurry to find a husband. No one finds it strange that I am unmarried at the ripe old age of 23. No one. Not a single person. And you want to know something even crazier? The majority of my friends there {who might I add are all older, my age, or just a couple years younger} aren't in serious relationships. Most of their parents are actually discouraging them from dating so as to keep them focused on their school work. What a crazy idea? Spend college focused on school? Who thought of that brainless idea? Oh wait, that is actually pretty genius. Maybe someone will actually get the chance to enjoy being a twenty-something. I know I sure am.

Side note: I believe the word "home" to be a relative term. The saying that "home is where your heart is" accurately defines it.

Anyway ... all that to say, I long to live in a world where marriage is not a pressure. that it's okay to be single. that life will go on even if I'm not married by the age of 24.

I still miss East Asia. There still aren't words to express the void in my heart when I'm not there. I just found a bracelet in my purse that my friend Dale gave me on the night before I left. and the memories flood in.

Please forgive me for the scattered post. I probably shouldn't even post this one, but maybe it has some purpose that I'm not aware of.

Learning to be the Light,
Jenna

Matter of the Heart

Sometimes God can be so relentless. I have been trying for weeks now to write a complete post, but no matter how hard "I" try, the words just get jumbled in my brain with no hope of ever coming out. That is unless I stop trying to write without the Lord's guidance. In His timing, He has given me the words I couldn't find by myself.

I would have to say that nearly all {if not all} Christian girls love the verse in 1 Samuel 16 about God looking at the heart not at the outward appearance like the world does. Of course we love that, because we all desire to be beautiful by someone's standards. And when we don't quite measure up to the world's standard of beauty, we can always find our beauty in Christ. Yet I've found that we, girls, {me especially} love to hold ourselves to God's standards when it comes to outward appearance, but when we are looking for that one man for us to marry, we automatically revert back to our world view of outward appearances. Is he handsome enough? Is he tall enough? Is he smart enough? Are his teeth straight enough? Is his hair dark enough?

But where is the only question that matters ... Is God the center of his life?

Well, it's no secret that I have pretty high standards for when it comes to dating and especially marriage. Setting aside the misconstrued ideas taught in churches about marriage, I am thankful to my sunday school teachers and youth retreat leaders for encouraging and helping me to set very high {Godly} standards for a man to date or one day marry. One of my best friends in high school actually came across my list {which I keep in my Bible}, and he was less than impressed. He told me that the guy I had outlined on my neat little notecard/checklist did not exist. I was quite indignant that he does exist. I have wavered a bit in my confidence over the years, and although I don't believe that exact guy is out there {because let's be honest, my list was quite extensive but in my defense I was only 17 when I wrote my longest list}, I do believe that if it is God's plan for me to marry, then that guy is out there somewhere.

I strongly believe that it is important to have high standards.seriously. Too many girls are scared to set high standards, because they think either they will never find him or they aren't good enough for him. {him being the one man in the world who is in God's plan for your life and who actually meets those high standards} The problem with these high standards isn't the standards in and of themselves but the focus of them. Far too often we allow our standards to shift toward outward appearances and away from the most important standard which is his relationship with God. Let's be serious, girls. No relationship with God should mean no relationship with you.

This is quite embarrassing to admit, but when I meet a guy, I automatically start down my checklist in my head which wouldn't be so bad if I had gotten it from scripture. Instead I am checking off my outward checklist. Tall. Check. Plays Guitar. Check. Funny. Check. Handsome. Check. Plays Basketball. Check. Sings. Check.

Now don't get me wrong. These things are {not} bad at all! BUT they become bad things when they take the place of the spiritual checklist.

A long time ago at one of our youth winter retreats, my group leader gave me a list of things to look for, and I must say despite the fact that it only has five criteria compared to the 50+ items on my list, it covers it all.

1) Jesus is his life, not just of his life. Deuteronomy 6:5
2) He has a humble and sensitive heart. Psalm 51:17
3) He is focused first on Christ and then on the needs of others. {NOT focused on you} 2 Corinthians 5:20
4) He is grounded in God's Word. The two of you agree on the basics of the faith. 1 Timothy 6:3-4
5) He has a strong and consistent time alone with God. {His time with God takes priority over time with you}. Psalm 84:10

This is so not where I thought this post was going, but I'm so glad God decided to teach me a lesson through it. Tonight God reminded me of this:

"Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart." 1 Samuel 16:7

Learning to be the light AND love,
Jenna

Millions of faces

What do you see when you close your eyes? {Considering I only know what I see, I can't even offer other possibilities ... oh well} What do I see? I see faces. millions of faces. I see every face that I have met and every face that needs the Lord. I see the looks of sadness, confusion, and fear. I see the inability to grasp just how wide, how long, how high, and how deep is the love of Christ.

Right now the faces I see the most are the ones in East Asia who know the truth yet aren't able or willing to accept it. Ralph. Sisi. Dong Dong. April. In the days leading up to my dreaded departure back to summer school and reality, seeing these faces with my eyes open and closed left me broken and hurting. During the late hours of the night, Kayla and I put words and music to my aching heart. God placed these words in my heart and they just overflowed onto the paper. Over the next few days, I struggled with a name for the song, because there were no words to sum up the true meaning of the song. As I stood in an airport hotel in Beijing with tears running down my face, it finally hit me. The song was about Ralph, but I couldn't name the song that. The song was written for so many people who are struggling to find the light even though it is shining right there for them to find. It hit me that there are millions of faces. not just one. From mine and Kayla's heart came this song, and it was truly inspired by God. Songwriting is definitely new to me {and Kayla a.k.a. Kayler is the music pro}, so the song is probably not theologically sound ... no need to analyze some deeper meaning.

 {Millions of Faces}

When you've lost your way

And the path is in darkness

The millions of faces

Passing you by

Each new day brings a whole new pain

You can't see past the hurt and shame

The light will shine for everyone to see

The darkness will flee; and the fears of this world will cease

We claim the light in the hearts of these people

We claim the light in the people of this city

We claim  the light; We'll shine it bright

We claim the light when we shine the light of Christ

When you look ahead

There's a light at the end

Filled with a love that's

Guiding your way

But this light leads to more than a dream

What awaits you is hope and peace

The light will shine for everyone to see

The darkness will flee; and the fears of this world will cease

We claim the light in the hearts of these people

We claim the light in the people of this city

We claim  the light; We'll shine it bright

We claim the light when we shine the light of Christ

Come unto me; all who are weary

Come unto me; you're meant to break free

We claim the light in the hearts of these people

We claim the light in the people of this city

We claim the light in the hearts of these people

We claim the light in the people of this city

We claim the light; We'll shine it bright

We claim the light when we shine the light of Christ

There are millions of faces passing you by

Ralph has been searching for something more for a very long time. He says he knows the light is there, but he can't see for all the hurt and shame. He blames God for every painful thing that has happened in his life. He sees God as this man sitting in the clouds waiting to throw another curve ball at him. Others like April and Sisi are more worried about their culture and the dreams they have had since childhood. They can't let go of the past. Dong Dong thinks science has all the answers. He has questions and wants the answers to every single one of them. As I thought and prayed over these friends and the last few days with them, I just kept thinking how I wanted to claim the light in their hearts and in all of these people. I declare that Satan has no foothold in their lives. Satan may be rejoicing right now over his momentary victories, but they will only be momentary. He may be winning small battles, but my God has already won the war. We claim the light of Christ in the hearts and lives of the people of East Asia and the peoples of this entire world. One way we can claim the light is by shining it for all of them to see. We will shine it {BRIGHT} for all to see. 

Learning to be the Light,

Jenna

Matthew 11:28-30

No Words

I have so many things on my heart and in my mind. So many things that I want to share with all of you. Things about my trip around the world. Things about what I learned. Things about life. I want to share what God has taught me. What He is teaching me. I want to share all of these things with you, but I can't. I have no words. none. zilch. zero. My mind seems a little hazy and confusing. I can't formulate any real thoughts other than the following:

I wish I was still in East Asia.
The feeling of being sick all day every day is getting old.
I don't want to get on another plane for at least a year.
I hope my aunt and cousins are truly feeling God's comfort right now during this time of their loss.
I wish I was still in East Asia.
I miss my friends.
I frequently forget which country I am in and almost start speaking a foreign language.
I don't want to be in summer school.
I will graduate in exactly one year.
I have no idea what I am going to do with my life.
I wish I was still in East Asia.
All I want to do is go back home.
I have no motivation to be responsible at the moment.
I hope I can make it through this week in one piece.
I wish I was still in East Asia.

Well, I promise all of my travels and lessons amount to far more than is conveyed in the above thoughts in my head, but it is all I can offer at the moment.

Learning to be the Light,
Jenna

It Is Well

It is well with my soul.

Spending time at home with nothing but my thoughts and 4 walls leads me to reflect back on how far God has brought me. From the foot-in-mouth teenage girl I was to the {still foot-in-mouth} learning and growing Christian young girl woman, God has molded me like clay within His hands. I've had my fair share of heartbreak, shame, failures, successes, love, emotions, and fears. I've experienced it all. Looking back through my prayer journals, I see where and how God was working to raise me up out of the ashes which were my life. 

I was not living life the way I should've been. My mouth got me into more trouble than I am willing to admit {unfortunately, it still does}. I used words to hurt people who hurt me. I used words to drive people away. My mouth and my words merged into a large abyss of bitterness and mistakes.

I had it made in a life full of rainbows and sparkles, and one day, my rainbows and sparkles turned into lightening bolts and dust bunnies. {bad illustration, but work with me here}.

Through a series of events, I had my heart broken by the people who I thought would always be in my corner. The people who I thought would always be on my side and there to support me. Suddenly, they were no longer there.

My heart was shattered into a million pieces. I tried to glue it back together on my own, but that only led me to frustration and more pain. 

Now I know that I would have never been able to walk away from what I called "home" without all of that.

I wallowed in self-pity for many years over a petty loss of friendships that were never meant to last. I now believe that God brings friends into our lives for different reasons. Some are only meant for a short time, and some stick around for the long haul. 

God used those losses to prove that He was enough for me then, and He will be enough for me NOW. I have feared singleness since before I can remember, but even at the young age of 17, I knew that my relationship with God had to be my first priority and I accept Him as the lover of my soul.

To top all it off, I was devastated by the never-ending loss of loved ones. What should have been the greatest year of my life quickly turned into my worst nightmare. I had lost my grandfather and my hero all in an instant. 

I've dealt with loss in so many ways, I can't even put them into words. Loss became an accepted reality for me. I NOW see that loss as gain. God was just clearing my life to bring in new people to work in my heart and life. To teach me how to live a life that shines light into the darkness.

In the midst of the storm, God is the anchor that brings peace to my heart and soul.

Whatever my lot, thou has taught me to say:

IT IS WELL WITH MY SOUL

Learning to be the Light,
Jenna

Sunday {Scripture}

 

via

This is the week. I finally get to board a plane headed to the one place my heart has longed to be all year long. I'm about to explode from excitement. 

Adding words would just be redundant. I will let the pictures speak for themselves.

 

via

Let It Go

Let. It. Go.
Just when I think that I'm finding my footing, learning how to stand, something comes along and knocks me on my knees. Of course, this leads me to a more intimate convo with my Savior. Nonetheless, it hurts and leaves me confused. When you come to expect something from experience, I have no reason to believe that it will change. {BUT then it does} It is so hard to take the understanding I've been given and be okay with that. God knows best. Let it go, Jenna.

Abba, Father, I give you my hurting heart and ask that you heal it to the utmost with your tender love and kindness. Take it in your hands, and never let it go. My heart belongs to you and you alone, because you are my first true love. You have my whole heart.

Learning to be the Light,
Jenna

Sunday {Scripture}

After choosing this verse for the week, it is ridiculously funny how many times God has used it to remind me that His grace is sufficient for me. HIS power is made perfect in my weakness. Therefore, I will boast all the more in my weaknesses.

Learning to be the Light,
Jenna

Weight of the World

Weight. I hate that word. My driver's license has been a complete and total lie ever since I got my learner's permit at the age of 15. Unfortunately, it was long before that when I first experienced debilitating shame over my weight. I'm trying to think back to the first time I looked in the mirror and really saw that I had a problem. Sadly, it wasn't until probably 7th grade that the truth smacked me in the face despite the fact that it had been a problem since 2nd grade when my fam moved to Grenada. What happened? Well, I have my theories, but ultimately, I ate my feelings, ate when I was bored, and ate to fit in. How was I supposed to know that my body is like predisposed to being obese. Nonetheless, 7th grade is when it really caught up to me, because I started noticing little things here and there that were different between me and my friends. At the time, I had no idea the battle I was destined to fight for the next 10 years of my life and so on. I remember the first time I had to get a physical for basketball {all of my friends at the same time in the same place}. We all stood in line waiting to be weighed, and that was it. The moment I had been dreading for months. The fear of someone seeing the scale and knowing how much I weighed frightened me immensely. I cringe looking at pictures from those times in my life when my weight was crazy out of control, because surprisingly there was a year here and there when I did get my weight under control. Those were good times. The saddest thing is that I know/remember what those times felt like when I had lost the weight and let it get back this way. It wasn't until my senior year of high school when I got to my lowest weight ever {thanks to one of the most amazing women on earth, Mrs. Patti} that I finally looked in the mirror and saw a face I recognized as the girl I'd seen inside all along. Why did I let that slip through my fingers? College hit me like a ton of bricks along with the lack of basketball for exercise, new levels of stress, emotional eating habits, and outside circumstances. I think my weight has fluctuated more in the last 5 years than it ever has. The last five years have been a weight roller coaster, but the one thing that hasn't changed is my complete lack of self-confidence. In high school, I blamed my singleness on small school, small town, etc, and I had convinced myself that college would be completely different. College happened, and still nothing. That's when it happened. I started associating my worth with my weight and my weight with my singleness. Pathetic, I know. Throughout undergrad, I've practically met every Christian guy in the state and almost the South {slight exaggeration ... okay, huge exaggeration}, and still nothing. So let me just break down my train of thought for you. Overweight Jenna=singleness, overweight Jenna+singleness=worthless.

Faulty thinking at its best. I have felt like my entire life has been defined by my weight. The craziest thing is that I don't remember a single stage of my life where I haven't heard the words, "have you lost weight?" Now, don't get me wrong, I love hearing those words, but at some point, I just think that people probably know that's what I like to hear. My struggle with my weight has been a lifelong struggle {at least as far back as I can remember}, BUT now for the good news.

Over the years, God has been working in my heart to change this thinking. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I know that full well. He knit me together in my mother's womb. He created my inmost being. Yes, I struggle with my weight. Yes, from this struggle stems a million other issues, but God is using each and every struggle in my life to draw me ever closer to Him. I'm not healthy the way that I am right now. I know that. I am trying to get my weight back on track. Not to feel beautiful, wanted, or accepted, but to please and glorify my God. Whether you eat or drink, do it all for the glory of God.

Learning to be the Light,
Jenna

Sunday {Scripture}

via Pinterest

This is what I need to get through this week. I need God who is my strong tower. He is my shelter. He is my everlasting King.

Exactly ELEVEN days until this semester is over. God has brought me this far, and I know without a doubt that He will get me through the rest. I'm seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. The light is shining on me bringing warmth to my heart and soul. I see so clearly that God is making me into the woman He wants me to be and guiding me to His good and perfect will.

Learning to be the Light,
Jenna