Look Out Below

This may be a little shocking to some people, but despite my 4 years in a leadership program (2 of those as the intern), I never once had to do a trust fall. To be perfectly honest, even if they had told me to, I probably wouldn't have. Have you ever done a trust fall? It's not that I'm afraid of falling, because I do that ALL the time ... seriously, my middle name should have been clumsy. I'm not even afraid of most awkward team-building activities like this, because I have just about done them all. I'm typically only afraid of things that slither or move such as reptiles/bugs. This trust fall thing consists of a somewhat high platform with {randos} standing in a line facing each other with arms linked. Well, the only other thing I'm afraid of is trusting people. The thing that frightens me the most is that trusting those people on the ground who are supposed to catch me. I mean ... get real ... people I barely know are expected to catch me (overweight and all) before I hit the ground. NO THANK YOU. What makes this worse? I was one of those people waiting to catch someone one time. Supposedly you stand there with arms linked and such, but here came this over 6 foot tall guy, and wham ... epic fail. And I say again ... NO THANK YOU! I don't trust anyone that much. We can dissect my {people} trust issues at a later date, but for now ...


This leads me to the question of the hour: Do I trust God? and I mean "really" trust God? I know I've talked about this before, but I'm gonna tell you just how (un)trusting I am. I just want to be real ... you are not getting a {fake} version of me on here. If anything, you are probably getting more truth here than you will anywhere else. I never want to be perceived as if I'm perfect or holier than thou, because although I write about truths that God is teaching me, that doesn't mean that He's not gonna have to teach me those same lessons at least 5 more times before they sink in. Sorry ... back to the story. As stated in a previous post, I'm going out of the country in just 22 days, and this trip costs $2500. I'm sure if you didn't know that already, your jaw probably just dropped a few feet. Well, pick it back up and let's move on with the story ... I've lost count of the number of times I have had to raise money to travel overseas. Every time God tells me that I'm supposed to go somewhere, He provides in miraculous ways. So you may ask why on earth would I doubt that He would provide again? I don't know. If I knew, I would tell you, but for some reason, money just freaks me out. It's daunting to know that you are supposed to go overseas on a trip that you can't afford and just trust that the money is going to appear out of nowhere. Awhile back I wrote a post here about how I had like 4 problems standing in my way. Every obstacle was so clearly moved out of my way leaving one single obstacle in my way. Money. Money. Money. Here is the bad part that makes me sound so faith{less}. At the summer orientation for this trip, I asked my small group to pray about the money stuff, BUT I had a plan B just in case God forgot to do His thing. That's the awful part. I'm such an anal planner. I love to have everything planned down to how I am going to spend every minute of the day. Yep, I'm that serious about it. I had an entire PLAN B detail for detail worked out for what I was gonna do to ensure I went on this trip. I was basically going to empty my entire bank acct (which isn't much to brag about to begin with) and take out student loans for the rest of it. {extreme. I know} I had a plan to ensure my success. I'm such a joke.


Long story short. LHBC donation+entire bank acct+student loans+ ? = me being short $800. That was it ... that was all I had. From the beginning, I told God that if He wanted me to go, He had to provide the money. Like I also mentioned in the previous blog post linked above, my mom doubted that I could come up with the money on my own. I told my parents that I didn't want a dime from them. I knew that if this was God's will that He would provide in His timing. Well, I knew this {I really did}, but I could not help but doubt Him deep down. My mom and I had just talked on Saturday about how much money I needed now to send in to the company. My last hope was the precious family I've found at Artesia Baptist Church. Their prayer support was an absolute given. And they offered to take up a love offering for me on Sunday. I've never been so thankful in my life. I didn't know what to expect. I don't see myself as entitled to deserve such generous people who are willing to sacrifice in order to help me go, but I was praying with all my heart that this would happen. {Oops, long story not so short} Seriously ... skip to the end. God provided. These wonderful people who have taken me into their arms like one of their own provided the exact amount I needed plus more.Just enough that I don't have to take out any more loan money. {HALLELUJAH! PRAISE THE LORD!} When I made the decision to go back, I closed my eyes, and fell backward into the arms that will never let me fall. What a great God we serve.

Now if I can only trust Him in every other area. That's a story for another day.

Learning to be the light,
Jenna

Learning To Be The Light

Travel Light. Live Light. Spread the Light. Be the Light.


Well, as you can obviously see, I've revamped my blog a little to more accurately describe where God is leading me with this blog. It has been such a crazy learning process to get to this point. I didn't know why God had me start this crazy thing, because a blog just like this cost me quite a few friendships in high school. {maturity level has definitely increased over the years} This blog is all about pointing others to Christ. It isn't about me or what I say. It's about what he is teaching me through my success and failures. The funny thing is that I go back and read my posts to remind me what God is trying to say to me. I'm sometimes always a little hard-headed. Mostly I'm learning to be the light that shines brightly for others to see more clearly to Him. He is the light that shines through me. I fail miserably on a daily basis to shine like I should, but that's why it's called learning.


Where did I come up with this Learning to be the Light? Well, this song has been stuck in my head for a few months now, and you can check out a video of it here. Such a great reminder that we are the light of the world. Reminds me of this verse: "You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven." Matthew 5:14-16

So I build a city on a hill
And I light a candle on the sill
Knowing you'll be always knocking at the door
Oh God I just want to love on everyone
All I have is yours to give, so let the people come
It's so much brighter living in your world
Savior what you did for me
You gave me something I want everyone to see
When we stumble and it all goes wrong
Only you can make it right
So I say
Oh oh oh oh oh
I'm learning to be the light
that makes the shadows hide
the light that breaks the curse of pride
the light that takes the weary in it's arms


This whole light theme has been surrounding me lately. My favorite childhood song was This Little Light of Mine, and not only did I share this song with countless campers at Garaywa but also with a number of East Asian friends who were seeing the light for the very first time. This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine. Let it shine, Let it shine, Let it shine. I want the light within my soul to shine so brightly that those around me can't help but see the light of Christ. During this season in my life, God is shining through my struggles as a single. I know there are many out there who share the same struggle, and there are others out there who are struggling differently but struggling all the same. No matter the struggle, we have a God that we can run to like a lighthouse. He shines brightly to guide us home. The waves may look like they will over come us. The sky may let loose torrential downpours. The boat may seem like it is going to toss you out. BUT focus on the LIGHT of Christ assuring you that He will calm every storm and all your fears.


Well this is it. This is me. I'm learning. Every. Single. Day. I'm learning to be the light.

Where's My Storybook Ending?

I love to read. I love to read more than almost anything else. Getting lost in a book is one of the greatest feelings on earth, and if I weren't so busy with school right now, I would probably be reading far more than I currently am. I have been so serious about this book obsession at a few points in my life that God had to intervene and remind me about that good, better, and best thing. What's my favorite part about reading books you ask? (let me clarify first that at the moment, I am solely referring to my obsession with christian fiction romance books)Anyway, I just LOVE the fact that the author starts every book with two main characters who will ultimately fall in love. Now don't get me wrong, there will be trials and tribulations along the way, but they ALWAYS end up together. Considering my nonexistent love life has never been existent, I have always relied on these books to be predictable and unchanging. Although sometimes you may think that the couple will never find their way back to each other, the last chapter always finds some miraculous resolution, and cue my happy dance. I just love it. Given this unhealthy obsession is probably one of the main reasons why I struggle with my singleness now, God weaned me off of these books this past summer. I wrote about my decision to read more self-help (as I like to call them although "God-help" would probably be more appropriate) books when I was on vacation which led me to the book Every Thought Captive, one of the best books ever. Well, every now and then I allow myself to read one of my christian fiction romance books especially the Karen Kingsbury ones which only come out like once or twice a year ... mostly because I have been reading this ongoing story line/series since I was in 9th grade. Well, up until Karen's last book, all of her books have gone exactly as expected. The typical: boy meets girl. boy and girl fall in love. boy and girl get married. boy and girl live happily ever after. Sure there were a few deviations from my simplified plot line, but for the most part, she has always provided me with such stability in her books.
Well, when I read the last book, I was outraged. And by outraged, I mean that I almost put down the book and didn't finish it. Which by the way is absolutely unheard of for me. I decided to stick it out and read it anyway. I finished it although I was no happier about the situation than when I almost chunked it out the window. The last book of this entire series just came out yesterday, and sometime between reading the last one and the release of this newest one, I decided to put my feelings aside and read it anyway. I'm only 4 chapters in, and I've already cried angry tears like twice. This puzzles me greatly. Why do I care? These people are NOT real! It baffles me that I can get so angry and worked up over something that is fictional. I decided to ask God about it, and I got a very clear answer. This is just one more lesson that He is teaching me in order to draw me closer to Himself.
As hard as this is to admit, I enjoy books because I don't have to worry about controlling the situation in order for it to turn out the way I deem to be perfect. I'm a control-freak. If you know me well, you just said "no duh" and probably out loud. You can probably already see how God and I clash on a regular basis over my need to control everything. I seem to get it all mixed up in my head. If I am in control, things can't possibly go wrong. TRUTH: Everything goes wrong when I am in control. Okay, so over the years I've had to give over this whole control issue over to God and trust Him in every aspect of my life. Ironically, the books I was reading were giving me my "control fix." Yep, I definitely just made that term up, but we're just gonna go with it. These books were just so easy to control without even controlling it. Ahhh ... the sense of satisfaction I feel over something turning out exactly the way I see it and want it. I know, I know ... still an unhealthy habit.
Back to the current book I'm reading, I could tell the author was setting me up for an ending I was not gonna be happy about. When you've read as many books as I have, you can just tell when an author starts dropping little hints and changes here and there to warm you up to the idea of something different than what you had originally expected. Let me clarify ... I never read these books for their surprise endings. There are never surprise endings in these books. I'm telling you I've read them all, and never have I been so caught off guard by a plot change. Talk about devastating. (note to self: STILL NOT REAL PEOPLE)
In one of those "AHA" moments, I realized just why I was so angry over this surprise. I had lost control of the one thing I thought I could still control. I wanted to put the book down. I wanted to throw it in a fire and watch it burn. This is dramatic, but I'm not exaggerating whatsoever. God told me to keep reading. I wanted the book to go the way "I" wanted it to go, and that is all there is to it.
God has been teaching me something very valuable through all of this. I can't control these books anymore than I can control my own life. My life is in His hands. I've read about halfway through the book at this point, and I'm seeing the bigger picture. The book's big picture has no relation to my life at all, but nonetheless, I hear God telling me loud and clear that in ALL things, He works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose. I'm still struggling with this singleness stuff, and I just can't figure out why God doesn't just take the pain away. I don't care one way or the other (married or single), but I do pray that God would just make the ache in my heart go away. I know I'm only seeing the little picture, and I know in these heart-wrenching moments of loneliness and self-pity God is drawing me ever closer into His warm embrace. There you go, my big picture is falling into the arms of Jesus. I may not ever get my storybook ending I've always dreamed of, but no matter what ending I get, I think God and I will have the best love story of all.

If you actually read all of this, God bless you ... this post must have been meant for you and you alone. I don't think I would even read this post all the way to the end (due to all of my craziness), but God placed it on my heart for a reason.

Not Just Another Birthday

**DISCLAIMER: this may be my most personal post to date, so consider yourself warned.**

This is definitely my second favorite time of the year. Christmas is my most favorite time by far, but my love of the month of March, Spring Break, and Easter is a strong second. Not only does this season signify the end of another semester, but this year brings the end of my first year of grad school. Hallelujah! Praise the Lord! Can you tell I'm excited about this? To top it all off, March brings me Spring Break and my birthday. I can't say that I've always loved having my birthday over a holiday where I couldn't ever see any friends, but it definitely never subdued my love of birthday time. I have always loved birthdays. Everybody's birthday really. I like to make people feel special on their birthday. It's that one day a year that we get to celebrate our friends and families (or ourselves). My birthdays have never been spectacular by any means, but I've had some pretty good ones. Some at the top of the list are last year's zoo extravaganza with two of my best friends, my all day shopping trip with my dearest mother, my 16th spent partially on a cruise, and sleepovers as a kid. Well, this year is the big 2-3. Wow. It seems surreal.

Let's just say my life hasn't gone exactly the way I thought it would when I was younger. I had it all planned out. That (southern) princess story. I've always been ambitious and knew I would end up in grad school, but I'd be lying if I said I thought I would still be single. My plan was to possibly be married by now, but if not married, at least know who I was gonna marry. I mean goodness I definitely didn't foresee myself as a 23 year old who has never had a boyfriend or been kissed. Yep, I said it, and I only wish I was making this up for a good story. But I'm not. Is this getting a little too personal for a blog published on the Internet? Probably so. Is this what God wants me to share? Unfortunately, yes. I'm figuring I'm gonna get two trains of thoughts on this one, and don't feel bad either way you go (because I've gone down both roads as fully as possible). So number 1: there is something wrong with this girl. And if this is what you are thinking, then you are probably somewhat right. I'm gonna refrain from listing all of my flaws and just say that I've considered this many times. And number 2: how great that this girl is saving her heart and herself for the man she will marry. But before you go and put me on that pedestal and I fall off and break my arm, leg, or neck, let me clarify that this fate has not been totally by choice and given the opportunity, I can't say I would have turned down a relationship or kiss for that matter. (that sounds completely strange, but oh well) I also realize that to some people that this isn't personal, because relationships and kissing is like the center of our society. But let's be real, how many 23 year olds do you know in my position? That's what I thought. Not many. I realize now that there might be a few of you loyal readers who've been with me since the beginning, and you might be thinking one more thing. So number 3: God is sparing this girl from experiencing something that is not in His plan for her. I actually prefer this one out of all of the possible responses to my life, because I'd like to think that God (knowing that His will for my life is to stay single) hasn't allowed these things so as to protect me. You can't miss something you've never had or experienced. It definitely could lessen the pain of never having a relationship or getting married. Who knows? I am so thankful that God knows, and I don't have to worry about it if I will just let go.

I can tell you one thing, I'm not gonna sit around wasting my life moping about my circumstances, because in all honesty, it's the world that sees this as a problem, not God. And since it just so happens that I value God's opinion only, I'm gonna live my life to the fullest with no expectations for what tomorrow will bring. Unfortunately, I haven't always had this mentality. The first few years of college were not my best. I spent those birthdays throwing pity parties over my singleness and thinking my life would never be complete without a boyfriend or husband. Not anymore. Every birthday from here on out, I plan to enjoy every moment with friends and families. On top of that, I plan to mark one thing off my bucket list every year ... Whether that be skydiving, running a 5K, taking a hot air balloon ride, or just dancing in the rain.

Thank you, God, for another birthday.

"Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say: It is well with my soul."

365 days of love

Once again, it's the day of love. VALENTINE'S DAY. There are two general feelings toward this day. People either LOVE it or HATE it. There's usually no in between. I mean let's be real, Wal-Mart looks like Valentine's Day threw up in there, and I'm not gonna lie, I don't hate it. I actually looked around the other night and thought about how blessed and loved I am. It was a pretty great feeling.

On Sunday, as I was driving back to Columbus, it was the most entertaining drive ever. I first saw a heart happy valentine's balloon in the back of a car, and as I went to pass it, there were a couple of guys probably driving back to school or elsewhere. I was just picturing the face of the girl receiving that balloon (and possible stuffed animal in the lap of the passenger guy), and I couldn't help but laugh. Maybe I'm the only one who finds flowers, balloons, chocolates, and stuffed animals overrated, but I guess since the day is so special to celebrate LOVE, I would hope that guys AND girls would find that special way to express how much they care and how much they love each other. It can even be free as long as it's from the heart. The next vehicle I passed (which let me clarify that I don't usually creep at other cars, but just couldn't resist today) was a guy driving and a girl who was so close to him that she was fairly close to being in his lap. Well, yep ... of course she caught me staring (awkward) and seemed to return a little to her seat. I just couldn't help but laugh out loud for really no reason at all except that I got caught staring at that awkward moment.

Valentine's day is about showing people how much you love them ... family, friends, significant others. It doesn't matter who it is as long as you tell them you love them. Some say that Valentine's is stupid, because you should do this everyday, and on some level, I agree. Today holds a lot of emotions, hopes, fears, and doubts, and no matter what anyone says, they all want to just have someone take the time to tell them that they are loved. How simple is that? We take for granted that God created us to be relational and to crave love and acceptance. The best part is that he offers us that love and acceptance we so crave.

When we were younger, Valentine's Day was about buying little cards for our friends and getting candy from our parents. At some point in like 5th or 6th grade that changed. This day became more about the pressure put on us by the world instead of appreciating a day where we can just express our love for others. The pressure to find that special someone to share this day with can be crazy overwhelming, but until you find love within yourself and those around you, you'll never be able to fully love someone else. I'm so thankful that I have a God who loves me just the way I am, and he longs for me to turn away from my prince patrol and find myself complete in Him. As I was driving back, this song came on the radio, and my prayer for every girl is that she will find her beauty from within her heart. Our worth and our beauty are not judged upon our earthly relationships but our heavenly ONE.

Little girl fourteen flipping through a magazine
Says she wants to look that way
But her hair isn't straight, her body isn't fake
And she's always felt overweight

Well, little girl fourteen I wish that you could see
That beauty is within your heart
And you were made with such care, your skin, your body and your hair
Are perfect just the way they are

There could never be a more beautiful you
Don't buy the lies, disguises and hoops, they make you jump through
You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do
So there could never be a more beautiful you

So turn around you're not too far
To back away be who you are
To change your path go another way
It's not too late, you can be saved
If you feel depressed with past regrets
The shameful nights hope to forget
Can disappear, they can all be washed away

By the one who's strong, can right your wrongs
Can rid your fears dry, all your tears
And change the way you look at this big world
He will take your dark distorted view
And with His light, He will show you truth
And again you'll see through the eyes of a little girl

What a wonderful day today is along with every other day. I choose to love today. Love who, you may ask? Everyone. even those who make it hard to love. I choose love. not hate, because if God is love, that's what I want to be too. I see today as an opportunity to show love to those who maybe aren't expecting it or feel like no one in the world cares. I feel the love of God surrounding me today as I wish everyone a HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY.

How will you spend this day? Will you choose love?

Learning to LOVE,
Jenna

Lessons Learned

Well, I'm not complaining, but God talked my ears off yesterday. Fortunately, He had something to say to my wonderful, lovely mother as well.

Lesson #1
We sang the song, Everlasting God," and all I heard was
STRENGTH WILL RISE AS I WAIT UPON THE LORD
I WILL WAIT UPON THE LORD
I WILL WAIT UPON THE LORD

All I could think to say in response to this was "okay, God, I got it." I am terrible at waiting. I hate it almost as much as I hated vegetables when I was little. The message was so clear, and although I hate waiting, I do love waiting on God's perfect ways.

Lesson #2
Bro. Wayne never fails to do one of the following: convict me, confirm God's plans, or connect the dots. (not to mention teach me how to make three points all starting with the same letter). Anyway, the sermon today was about moving from our desperation to God's destination. God's path is not always logical. Hmmm ... this seems to be the story of my life. Of course, we always want the easy road, but let's face it, the Christian life isn't easy nor is it advertised to be.

Lesson #3
The sermon today just so happened to provide me with multiple lessons, so bear with me as I break it down. His plans are not always known in advance. Well, duh. I know that's what you are thinking, but this just really rung true to me today. We are to look for our faith instead of fear. I am so guilty of being so hard on the Israelites and judging them for their lack of faith. I'm hypocritical enough to think that the Israelites were stupid enough to mess things up after they had seen God come through so many times (a.k.a. parting the Red Sea, providing water and food). You would think that after they needed water the first time and SHOCKER God provided that when the second time came around in need of water, they would at least trust that God would provide the SECOND time. It is so easy for me to think how ridiculous they sound not believing that God could do something that He has done before, and SMACK. There it is. I'm so CRAZY. I'm sure God is thinking how I should really open my eyes to my own life.

Lesson #4
God's master plan for my life does not need my help ... only my obedience. I've put my yes on the table. I'm willing to go wherever He leads me. My entire life is set before me, and I am willing to follow Him to the end of the earth.
Isaiah 14:13-14 "Fear not, stand firm, and see the salvation of the Lord, which he will work for you today ... The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent

This last week was strangely exceptional with a huge surprising twist. On Wednesday night, my good friend, Kayla Carter, text me to tell me she was going back to our frozen city in East Asia, and something in my heart just exploded. I couldn't stand it any longer, and I knew what I had to do. I have to go back. I just have to, BUT of course, the first thing that came to mind was 4 distinct problems. 1)what if my supervisors have too many other coming,etc. 2)who will I travel over with? 3)who will I travel back with? 4)how will I pay for it? Needless to say, I was skeptical that God really wanted me to go with those 4 problems piled into a gigantic mountain in my way. Within five minutes of talking to Kayla, I received an email from a non-believer friend over in EA asking me when I was coming back and how much they miss me. Talk about a dagger to the heart. It was in that moment I knew I had to do anything I could to get back. Within another 24 hours, my awesome, amazing, ridiculously crazy wonderful God had given me answers to problems #1, #2, and #3. and I mean WOW. My mouth was pretty much dragging on the floor. And mother, if you read this, I'm sorry to say that you were obstacle #5 which I didn't really think about until I had fully decided this is what I was going to do. BTW, thanks for kind of giving me your blessing, and THANK YOU, GOD, for convicting her for doubting that you can provide the money for me to go. Yep, that's right... that leaves me with only problem #4, and I'm not even gonna lie ... it makes me sick to my stomach to even think about how I am going to come up with all of that money, but I refuse to be an Israelite and doubt God. My heart is seriously on the verge of exploding due to my ridiculous JOY over going back. I know that God is going to do A-MAZING things.

Learning to love,
Jenna

P.S. ONE DAY UNTIL VALENTINE'S DAY! AND YES, I AM STILL PUMPED ABOUT THIS! AHHHH!

The Search is Over Part 2

Which leads to the Eleventh Commandment: Thou shalt not defraud thyself.

Like I mentioned before, Naomi knew that although Boaz was willing to step in as Ruth's kinsman redeemer, there was the possibility of another man who was an even closer kinsman redeemer. Naomi wanted to protect Ruth from allowing her "heart to race ahead into disappointment in case the circumstances did not go as assumed."

Ditches of discontentment are where I have lived for far too long desperately clutching my supposedly innocent defrauding ways. It is so easy to be defrauded by guys, friends, and especially oneself if we are not alert to the ways this happens. Herein lies probably one of my greatest struggles, and one in which I will probably always battle. "Some women are so emotionally scarred from falling into such a ditch that it literally takes them years to recover and rediscover the capacity to trust any male in their life."

When I first read about "defrauding," I immediately thought that I don't really know what it is, but that doesn't happen to me. Oh how I didn't realize how wrong I was. I have spent the majority of my life defrauding myself and never recognizing it for what it is. Bear with me as I give a little history. Once upon a time, there was this girl who befriended this boy. She basically committed herself to being whatever he needed ... a friend, a chauffeur, a mother-figure, a girl. She dropped everything for him, drove him everywhere, and gave him everything she had. Unfortunately for her, the boy only ever saw her as a friend. The girl has found the one-way ticket to the friend/mother zone where she lived. This however did not stop her from dreaming of the day that the boy would realize that she was the one he wanted to be with, that she was the one he cared for. The girl's lack of control over her imagination and "prenuptial fantasies" led her straight into deception and ultimately ruined the entire friendship. The boy and girl never recovered the friendship and are no more than strangers today.

An important method of limiting your own self-defrauding is through daily discipline over "prenuptial fantasies." Such fantasies may provide you an escape from monotonous reality, but these moments are dangerous. They will aggravate your struggle for contentment because they are not innocent daydreams, but an attack on your godly contentment. You may be so used to daily fantasies that you might not even realize when you begin daydreaming again about your prince. Often a single woman's struggle with contentment can be traced back to her fantasies more than to her frustrating circumstances. Just think for a moment about three words from Second Corinthians 10:5: "Casting down imaginations." Fantasizing about a future with a guy you have been watching in Sunday school or at word is nothing more than your very active imagination. What should you do when you start daydreaming about a guy you've never dated or even formally met? You must take your thoughts to Jesus and leave them in His capable hands. This daily discipline of taking your fantasies to Jesus is the foundation for your future as a contented woman, whether you are married or single. Right now they are just prenuptial fantasies, but when you are married, those fantasies about other men could continue. Lack of discipline in the area of "casting down imaginations" may result in self-defrauding and needless discontentment.

Again, very sorry for the long quote, but it seriously just smacked me right in the face. I can't even tell you how often I catch myself in these absurd daydreams which are ultimately defrauding my heart and my mind. There are far, far too many examples of how self-defrauding has wreaked havoc in my life and my heart for me to even begin sharing about them, but the important thing for me is to hand this over to God and be aware of situations that could cause me to fall into these ditches of discontentment.

It's no mystery that I am a very prideful person. If I am carrying something heavy and someone offers to take it for me or help, I will respectfully decline even if I need the help. I'm usually too prideful to admit that I need help, that I'm scared, that I'm hurting, or that I might just possibly fail at something. My pride is the #1 thing that keeps me from being as forward with my faith as I should be or stopping on the side of the road to offer someone a ride or even just doing something that God is telling me to do that is completely unexpected and not normal. Cue my pride. It has always been one of my greatest problems to overcome my stubborn pride, and once again, my pride has reared its ugly head. The basis of my discontentment falls on my ridiculous pride. My pride tells me that I deserve this. I deserve to have a husband, a family, a house, a career, and with this pride comes the idea that God must have messed up somewhere ... that He must have fallen asleep and forgotten to give me exactly what I deserve. I'm sure God would just love to give me a nice swift kick in the butt sometimes, and I can't say that I would blame Him. I have this prideful assumption that I am getting jipped out of the life that I deserve which leads to little ME arguing with big GOD about what is best. Who do I think I am? Seriously, I am basically discounting so many promises God has made me ... that He loves me, He has plans for me, He will carry me, He will protect me, He alone brings contentment.

"Exchange your pride for Jesus' strength so you may accept whatever assignment [God] has for you from this moment forward."

"My soul finds rest in God alone ..." (Psalm 62:1)

Learning to love,
Jenna

The Search is Over

"Not that I speak from want; for I have learned to be CONTENT in whatever circumstances I am. I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me." Phil. 4:11-13

It has been a year since I started this journey of discovering my identity in Christ as a single woman in a "couples" world, and as I've said before, God has completely turned my world upside down. And praise God for that. Boy, did I need Him to bring me down from my imaginary world back to earth. I'm not saying it has been fun or pleasant, but it has been enlightening and a growing experience. I have found such a deeper relationship with God, and I would not trade that for an earthly marriage any day. This whole journey began with my small group's decision to read Lady in Waiting and subsequently discuss a chapter each week. I could not wait to get this book in my hands. I to this day cannot believe that I didn't start reading it until I was 21, because I think every girl in America should be required to read this gem inspired by no one other than God. No, it's not the Bible, but I fully believe that God uses this book to open the eyes of girls and draw them closer to Himself. Now back to not being able to wait to get this book in my hands ... I clearly had no idea how God was going to tear down every wall in my heart to rubble and begin rebuilding my heart to seek and desire Him before an earthly relationship. That first week I got the book, I couldn't put it down. I read the whole book through in about two weeks (which was in the middle of crazy huge amount of tests, assignments, and misc last semester of undergrad activities). Unfortunately, I read it so fast, and due to conflicts and unforeseen cancellations, our small group wasn't able to make it through the entire book, so I never went back to reread these last few chapters. It was no mistake that I was meant to go back and read this exact chapter at this exact time in my life. How stinkin' awesome is our God? I mean, come on. Sometimes I just don't have the words for how in awe of Him I am.

Lady of Contentment.

The mystery of contentment often seems to escape the understanding of the single woman. She assumes her circumstances justify her condition and give her permission to remain dissatisfied with her life assignment. Not having learned how to lay down the terrible burden of always wanting life to be on her terms, she continues to struggle with the torture of her desires. The restlessness caused by her desire for what she does not have makes waiting seem an impossible task. In fact, to the discontented woman, the word wait probably compares to a "cuss" word in her mind. A Lady in Waiting finds her capacity to wait for God's best to be rooted in contentment.

Sorry for the long quote, but there was just no way to paraphrase all the good stuff in there. The funny thing about all of this is that singles (not only including but especially me) assume the discontentment is found only in the state of singleness; however, this is so far from the truth, that is laughable. Married and single women suffer from discontentment alike. The mutual problem stems from our failure to find our contentment in God alone rather than men and earthly relationships. This chapter focuses in on one part of the story of Ruth and Boaz. If anyone had the right to be discontent, don't you think it would be Ruth? But instead of finding a discontented widow following her mother-in-law, you find a woman who is clinging to God in the worst of circumstances. Of course, we know the story well. Ruth goes to Boaz as her kinsman-redeemer, and he willingly offers to do anything he can for her due the rumors of her noble character. What's funny is that when Ruth goes back home to tell Naomi, Naomi doesn't start partying and planning the wedding. No, Naomi is careful to keep Ruth in check and remind her to stay grounded in her contentment in God.

Waiting ... "Such an assignment is not to cause suffering, but prevent it. Women experience so much needless pain when they run ahead of God's format."

Which leads to the Eleventh Commandment: Thou shalt not defraud thyself.

To Be Continued ...

A Rambling Update

Well, after my last rant about my complete failure in life to be around Christian guys and not wonder if this one or this one or this one could possibly be my Prince Charming, I figured it would be best to give a quick update. Surprisingly or maybe not surprisingly, I got a HUGE reality check on the first night of the conference. I think my biggest problem is that I ASSUME that if a guy is at something like Passion, he must be a Godly man who is as passionate about living for Christ as I am, BUT I found this to be untrue. As we were walking up to Georgia Dome, we were surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of people, yet I picked up on a situation happening with some guys (note: I was probably the only person who people watches enough to even catch a moment like this). It was a sobering moment. It hit me straight in the face. Within minutes of being there, God had opened my eyes and reminded me that focusing on Him was the most important thing. After this short moment, I had no desire to jump to conclusions and go back to my assuming that every guy is a potential prince. PRAISE GOD!

God is good. God is amazing. God is awesome. God is great. God is wonderful. God is [insert any other possible adjective here]. I mean, seriously. I had no idea what was in store for me at this Passion conference. For so many years, I have wondered what Passion is all about, and I found out. It is ALL about GOD and how great He is. I learned so much, and God really convicted me of some things in my life. Let's just say to sum up my week at Passion ... WOW! That's it.

School has officially started, and despite my initial goals of getting a head start so as to prevent procrastination-induced stress, that's a negative. I've spent the whole weekend being largely unproductive; however, I have successfully planned a rockin' workshop for the Hearin High School Conference this next weekend. Let's just say I'm gonna give Curtis Zimmerman(the paid speaker) a run for his money with my Leadership world of Harry Potter and FREE butterbeer. I know I'm the coolest, right? haha.

On to my single adventures, I am ridiculously PUMPED for Valentine's Day ... Why, you ask? NOT because of some boy (although I would've settled for that too), but because that is the day that the live song video of How Great is Our God: World Edition will be dropping into my all-access account from Passion. I didn't mention this above, but that was probably the #1 highlight of Passion for me. I CAN'T WAIT! Not to mention that I am so blessed with the greatest love story of all. I don't know if you've heard of him or met him, but get this ... He sacrificed His life for me. He reminds me every day how much He loves me through little things like flowers, blue skies, and raindrops. He tells me how beautiful I am and that I was created in the image of God. He is a Prince whose father is the KING OF KINGS. He loves me at my worst and my best. He loves when I succeed and when I fail. He loves me when I cry and when I smile. His name is Jesus and guess what? the same goes for you. Go back and read all of those again, but every time you see you, me, or I, insert your name there, because we all have the same love story. What a wonderful thing.

Learning to love,
Jenna

Wanted: Focus

Show me a single, Christian girl who can go to a Christian conference filled with solid, God-fearing men and not think about finding a man/husband, and I'll show you a saint whom I would love to meet and find out her secret.

As you might've guessed, I'm heading to Passion tomorrow morning ... Well, kind of today considering the time. I am so excited, because I have been trying to go for the past 5 years since I heard one of my high school friends talking about her experience there our senior year. For some reason, God has very clearly closed that door every year since. I traveled to East Asia for Christmas two times, and when I finally had the time free, I just had this unsettling feeling about going. That year despite my clear schedule and desire to go, I didn't. My grandmother passed away the day everyone left for Passion that year. Every year God has closed the door, but finally, I get to attend this amazing conference.

Unfortunately, with this comes what I mentioned at the beginning of this post: the innate curse of man hunting. Satan knows my weaknesses and uses them to his full advantage by distracting me from listening to God. I mean at first you think, "well, it is harmless to be aware and open to meeting someone" and "well, you're looking in the right places." But sooner or later (which for me is always sooner) it will end up consuming me. Every guy I see becomes a potential relationship. This is probably making me sound a little crazy, but I'm in such desparate need for some blinders. Seriously, when I go to these things, I pray that God would give me blinders like those horses wear. Gosh. Where could I find a pair of those? Well, I'm pretty sure I would make a definite fashion statement with that, but I'm being so for real .. I would do ANYTHING to keep this curse from distracting me from what God has to say to me during this time. Songs like "Our God," "God of this City," "I'm Waiting Here for You," and many other powerful worship songs have come from these passion conferences, and I refuse to miss out on God moving in my life due to my weaknesses. I think one of my greatest problems is that I'm a people watcher. I can be in a very good conversation, and I'm still gonna be glancing around watching other people. It's in this habit, where I end up searching out that Mr. Right. What a tragedy.

God, please forgive me for my one track mind and my inability to focus on you and you alone. My heart longs and desires to seek you and and to be in your presence, so why do I sabotage this by allowing my eyes to wander. Give me the ability to block out all distractions. Reveal yourself to me.

Learning to love,
Jenna

Christmas in a Cup

About a month ago, I thought I had found Christmas in a cup when I tried Sonic's pumpkin pie milkshake. It was the yummiest thing I have ever tasted ... okay, well maybe that's a stretch, but nonetheless, it was wonderful. The best part was that it made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside as it made me think of the true meaning of Christmas, spending time with friends, and being surrounded by family.

Note my use of the word "thought." I "thought" I had found Christmas in a cup until tonight when I truly did find Christmas in a cup of gingerbread hot chocolate, and NO, I don't mean the taste of it but the way I got it. Now picture this, you've got me, my mom, and my dad (the 3 musketeers as I like to call us) on Christmas Eve with nothing really to do but look at each other, so about a month ago I decided I wanted to go to IHOP on Christmas Eve after seeing a commercial on TV for their holiday pancakes (yes, I realize that I am admitting what a fatty I am, but the story is so worth it! haha!). There is absolutely nothing special about IHOP, and my parents were less than thrilled to say the least. You would think that I would have preferred some homecooked meal or fancy dinner, but all I wanted was some ridiculously unhealthy pancakes. Humorously, I ended up getting turkey bacon, eggbeaters, and pumpkin pancakes which were far more on the healthy side than almost everything else on the menu there. As we were leaving, I saw a picture of some Gingerbread hot chocolate, and like the 6 year old I am, I said, "mommy, please!" She kind of ignored me at first, but as she was paying, she asked me if I really wanted some ... and I was like, "YEAH!" (I know ... very mature). So I proceeded to ask the hostess girl for a gingerbread hot chocolate to go, and as I asked for it, our sweet little waiter said he would get it and not to charge us. My mom, dad, and I all stood there somewhat dumbfounded, and I more than likely needed to pick my jaw up off the floor. This kind, sweet boy handed me my hot chocolate and said, "Merry Christmas." It was all I could do to get a thank you out of my mouth.

It was in this cup of gingerbread hot chocolate that it felt I truly experienced the real meaning of Christmas in America. After spending 2 Christmases away from family where there are no expensive presents or fancy foods to distract you from celebrating the birth of Christ, it's hard to spend a Christmas in America where although everyone "claims" to celebrate the true meaning of Christmas, I would venture to say that most don't. This boy couldn't have been older than 18, yet he did such a kind thing for a complete stranger. To someone else it may have been only a cup of hot chocolate, but to me it was a gift from God, a reminder that He is always with me, always holding me, always taking care of me, and always listening to my prayers. We are never alone, and I am so thankful that God reminded me of the true meaning of Christmas in a cup of hot chocolate.

Many Hearts Beating for One

This title may sound puzzling to any other mind than my own, but if you've ever read my blog before, you can't possibly be surprised by my typically puzzling ways. I am referring to my heart alone as many, and although I only have one heart beating inside my body, I seriously have at least 4 hearts which are fully developed and beating strong around the world for one God, my Savior, Healer, Defender, and Abba.

My first heart is pretty much a given found right here in the U.S. with my family and friends. My second heart is in Ukraine, and my third is in East Asia. And thanks to Ukraine, my fourth and final heart is located in Africa. I know I'm probably still not making any sense, but you see, my hearts beat so strongly that sometimes I can't breathe. Whenever I am joined with one heart, my other hearts ache to be in those places. After a trip to any one of these respective countries, that heart beats the strongest, but when I am away from home (my family and friends), my first heart strangely goes into overdrive. Sometimes it can be so frustrating to have so many hearts all around the world, but they all beat for ONE. I feel a sense of need to be in all of these places, so I can be the light of Christ to people in each of these places.

This Christmas has been especially hard knowing that my dear friend, Kayla, is in East Asia as we speak. She is back in the same city with all of our friends that we met this summer. The strangest thing about all of this is that no matter how hard it is to be either place and not the other, I always long for the other. Maybe that is me being discontent, but I like to just think of it as a whole lotta love that I just want to spread around the world. Any way I look at it, I just wish I could be many places at once. My family means the world to me, but I also know that I have been set apart for a special calling to travel to the furthest corners of this world to tell everyone about the love and salvation found in Jesus Christ. This all made sense in my brain before I typed it out, but I am now realizing that I probably sound a little crazy. Oh well. Call me crazy, call me a fool .... I'll be a crazy fool for Christ any day over everything that glitters in this world.

***SPOILER ALERT***
Haha! just kidding ... kind of. It just seemed like fun to start out my big news with that. It's not really that big for anyone but me, so I might just be a little excited about it. I started the journeyman application today. AHHH! It seems so crazy. It is a ridiculously long time before I can even think about making a decision about where to go or leaving the country, but I just felt God leading me to take this first step in obedience. The best part is that all of this is a reminder that I am single for a reason. If I weren't single during this stage of my life, it is likely that I wouldn't be so willing to drop my entire life in the states to live in a foreign country for two years. I see God working, and I know that there is a much bigger picture surrounding the small piece God is allowing me to see at this time. Praise God. Praise God. Praise God. I seriously cannot wait to see where God leads me in the coming years.

Learning to love,
Jenna

Perspective

Pity parties are my specialty. Really. I have perfected the art of throwing pity parties. Mine are always filled with excessive eating, endless tears, and a sole guest of ME. In the midst of my infamous pity parties, the world revolves around me and me alone ... the things I don't have, the things that I regret, the things that hurt me. In the midst of my dramatic and ridiculous pity parties, I actually convince myself that things could not get any worse and that my life is the worst it could be.

Cue the wake-up call from God...

Sunday night, my parents and I had dinner with some friends from church and, they all started talking about the families in their sunday school class who were fighting cancer or dying from cancer. My heart was breaking, and despite the fact that I don't know any of these people, I found myself fighting tears. Here I am during this holiday season spending this break with two healthy and amazing parents and planning family Christmas with ALL of my wonderful family around me, and there are families who are spending this Christmas in a hospital, maybe praying this isn't the last Christmas they have with their loved one. There is so much hurt, loss, and pain in this world ... FAR, FAR beyond what is going on in my life. So what if I'm single and may never get married? Great, wonderful, fabulous, glorious! Who cares? I have my health, my family, my dreams, my life. I have it all.

I needed that perspective. Life isn't going to always go exactly how I want or expect it to, and I would never want it to. I want the life God has for me EVEN IF it is to be single forever, because if God can use me best as a single then I would never want to be anything else. Praise God that he reminds me how blessed I am to have exactly what I have.

Later that night as my mom and I walked through walmart, I just couldn't stop thinking about how immature I have reacted to my state of singleness and how I have completely blown it out of proportion. I looked at her and said, how can I consider my state of singleness as anything other than a blessing as compared to those who are truly experiencing trials and struggles in this life.

WOW. Thank God for new perspective.

Learning to love,
Jenna

Welcome to Reality

Do you ever wake up from a dream and close your eyes really quickly, squeeze them shut, and hope that you can return for just a moment longer to enjoy something that never happens in reality? And after lying completely still for about three solid minutes in hopes of returning to those few moments of bliss, you give up in hopelessness. The dream is gone ... as gone as yesterday's news. How depressing. It wasn't real. I very rarely have dreams that I can remember much less get so deeply involved that I mistake it for reality, but when I do have them, they are intense and so real it would seem I could actually reach out and touch ... and actually feel something. I know this is a little strange, but true nonetheless. I honestly don't know why or how I fall into this trap every time, but somehow I do. The worst part is waking up, looking at your alarm clock, and realizing that it was all just a dream. Let's just say ... only in my dreams. Dreams are great, but when we get so caught up in dreams, we lose sight of the joys of reality. Although reality isn't always what we would choose, shouldn't we be okay with the fact that reality is exactly where God wants us. Reality is that God has a special plan for our lives. I think that is my greatest struggle to accept the reality I have been given. Back a couple months ago, I was driving (which seems to be all that I do these days) back from my cousin's birthday party, and I was just making my way down the interstate. As I looked up ahead of me, I saw some really strange form on the road. At first it resembled a huge monster, then I convinced myself it was an eighteen wheeler on the back of an eighteen wheeler, and THEN I decided it was really a monster. I was so confused, and I just could NOT figure out what it was. Finally, as I drove closer to it, there it was (plain as day).... a golf cart. Really? A golf cart? I did not see that one coming. Isn't that life though? We see things from miles away and make a judgement based on the distorted view we have, but as we get closer, the whole picture seems to become clearer. This happens to me so often in life, and I feel like it can really apply to the topic of choice which is ... duh! marriage. As singles, we look at marriage as this amazing, perfect, and wonderful thing that just completes life, but in reality, it has its hardships, troubles, and heartaches same as singleness. We have such a bad habit of distorting reality into what our eyes are telling us we see versus seeing it for what it really is.

This whole semester has passed by in a blur, and God has taught me so much throughout this new experience. Grad school is a great distraction which is probably a good and bad thing. On one hand, it distracts me so well that I don't even have time to think about my state of singleness. Actually, it reminds me why I am single considering how swamped I felt between class, homework, clinic, and everything else in the SLP world. On the other hand, I got so busy and distracted that I just stopped dealing with it altogether which I realize isn't exactly the right answer to the problem either. It's an easy out, and I know it. Will the struggle ever end? I doubt it. Do I want it to? No. The more I struggle, the closer I grow to God. Everyone has their struggles, and I'm just gonna have to accept mine for what it is, allow God to use it to strengthen our relationship and teach me to find contentment in every stage of life. Nothing too philosophical tonight, but just laying my heart out there. All for the glory of God.

Learning to love,
Jenna

Revelation

Revelations. And no I don't mean the book of the Bible. I mean that moment when something that has perplexed you, baffled you, or even just confused you for a period of time and all of a sudden, it hits you ... CLARITY. I love those moments of clarity hence loving revelations. You can probably guess where this one is going, huh?

I had a revelation recently, and for no other reason besides just being my typical self and not EVER being able to completely stop thinking about the whole marriage thing, I found new clarity behind my distorted way of thinking. Yep, you totally saw that one coming, huh? Well, this is good, so you're gonna want to keep reading.

Wedding Day by Casting Crowns ...
There's a stirring in the throne room
And all creation holds it's breath
Waiting now to see the bridgegroom
Wondering how the bride will dress
And she wears white

And she knows that she's undeserving
She bears the shame of history
With this worn and weary maiden
Is not the bride that he sees
And she wears white head to toe
But only he can make it so

When someone dries your tears
When someone wins your heart
and says your beautiful
When you don't know you are
And all you long to see
Is written on his face
Love has come and finally set you free
On that wedding day

She has danced in golden castles
And she has crawled through beggar's dust
But today she stands before him
And she wears his righteousness
And she will be who he adores
And this is what he made her for

When the hand that bears the only scars
And heaven touch her face
And the last tears she'll ever cry
Are finally wiped away
And the clouds roll back as he takes her hand
And walks her through the gates
Forever we will reign
On that Wedding Day

I hope you took the time to read those lyrics, because it was the basis of my whole revelation. What a song. I tear up every time I hear it, because it holds such a strong promise for all of those girls (including me) out there believing that an earthly prince charming exists and will come galloping in on his white horse.
Whether or not I ever get married or even have the wedding I've always dreamed of, I AM promised a wedding day. A wedding day with Christ. I should probably leave the bulk of this post to the lyrics instead of adding my words which cannot even begin to compare to the picture conveyed by the words above, but then it's me we're talking about here, so here is my two cents.

What little girl hasn't dreamed of her wedding day? The beautiful, white dress. The flowers. The friends. The family. The love. These dreams will come true one day. The day I take my final breath on this earth and am ushered to the gates of heaven. The first thing I see as I walk that aisle is the eternal Prince of Peace waiting for me. The only one who has ever looked at me and said, "I love you with an unconditional love that sees past all of your failures, shortcomings, imperfections, and disappointments. I see you for who you are. The bride of Christ. I have laid down my life for yours, and there's nothing you could ever do to earn or deserve this sacrifice I made for you. Come just as you are, and I will clothe you in my righteousness. You are my Father's beautiful creation." Despite the shame and remorse for yesterday, I know I have finally reached my wedding day (side note: I realize there was probably some deeper theological meaning intended for this song a.k.a. the uniting of the church with Christ at his second coming, but this is just what God has placed in my heart).

This has brought such peace and contentment to my heart that it is difficult to articulate with words. Each day is a struggle to trust God with everything from the biggest things to the littlest things.

Now that school is out, I hope to share more of my God moments from this semester.

Learning to love,
Jenna

Bringing Good Cheer

Christmas is my most favorite time of the year. Not only because of the giving and receiving of presents or all the delicious food and desert, but because people are generally nicer around the holidays, the music on KLOVE reminds me of the true reason we celebrate, and who could forget the bonding time with the fam?

I walked into Wal-Mart tonight, and lo and behold, there was a Christmas tree. I felt immediate joy and delight upon seeing such a beautiful sight. Trees, decorations, lights, and sparkly ornaments bring all of my wonderful memories flooding back, and it serves as a constant reminder of my first Christmas spent in China when I realized the world does go on and the season isn't about me but about Jesus Christ.

I LOVE CHRISTMAS!

But Christmas also brings some hard times and sadness. There's always the change that comes with growing up. Things aren't the way they used to be. Siblings grow up and start new lives with their spouses and more families; meanwhile, I'm left trying to figure out where I fit into the new picture that we call family. In addition to changes, there is the loss of family members who were the the mainstays of so many past holidays. The days of Christmas past in the home of my Mamaw and Papaw are days that I will never forget, but they will never be the same without them. Not a day will pass that I won't miss them or thank God for the memories I did have with them. On top of all these things, Christmas always seems to bring out the relationship/marriage card. I bet you didn't see that one coming .... haha! Holidays always remind me that once again I am alone and without the one thing that seems to complete everyone else's holiday season.

"An insecure woman has her world centered on something (marriage) or someone (Mr. Right) that can be lost or taken away. Insecurity keeps a woman from experiencing consistent joy even within a relationship because a man cannot provide security, only God can." How true this is. I have to stop the "woe me" and "pity me" attitude during the holidays. So what that I am alone in one respect, but I am surrounded by a family who loves me and cherishes me. Just ask them. I may be one of the most talkative in the family, one of the most stubborn, and one of the most unusual members of my family, but they love me ... I know they do. I also have the love my Heavenly Father who has always been by my side and always will be. What more could I ask for during one of the most joyous times of the year?

"No man, not even a husband, can fill the need you have for secure love. Only Jesus who "is the same yesterday and today, and forever," will never disappoint or fail you (Heb. 13:8)." Let me preface all of this with the fact that this is a pep talk to myself and is only meant to serve as a way to share what God is teaching me and how He is molding my heart to be more like His during this time in my life. I can find this secure love in Jesus Christ alone ... not a husband. I have to stop waiting to live my life when I have a husband by my side. This is not a death sentence but a chance to live my life exactly the way God wants me to.

"Turn to your heavenly Father now. Pour out your heart's longing to be loved. See His arms open wide and His empty lap ready to embrace and hold you near. He considers you dear. He longs to give you satisfying love. Perhaps He does desire to give you a man to love also. But the man you marry cannot meet your need for security. Only God's love brings security." Do you hear Him calling you? because I do! I hear Him telling me to let go and fall into His loving arms. I close my eyes, and let my imagination do the rest ... I can crawl into His lap and let Him hold me close, wrapped in His arms as He comforts me with His promises. I am feeling more secure by the moment!

"He longs for you to be secure in His love. He wants to protect, lead, and love you. To develop security, give your heart and emotions to the Lord." Amen and amen. I can say amen, but actually doing it is a whole 'nother story. This holiday season, I am going to practice what I preach. I will give my heart and emotions to the Lord and rest in the security of His love.

"To build security into your life, spend time in God's Word. Proverbs 1:33 says to listen to God and live securely. As you do, you will find out what God is really like -- what His character is -- not just what you think or have heard He is like. You will be surprised at how differently He sees you than what you have thought."
And where else should I start but His word? God is so much more than what we can wrap our minds around, but He does give us a glimpse into His character through His word.

Here's where I am going to start:
"In First Peter 2:4, God says you are choice and precious to Him. He calls you precious, honored, loved. and His redeemed one in Isaiah 43:1-6. Isaiah43:7 says you were created for His glory. You are very special to God -- so special that He plans for you: 'plans for [your] welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope' (Jer. 29:11b)."
"You are accepted (Rom. 15:7); you are not condemned (Rom. 8:1); and you are His child (Jn. 1:12). you are also the temple of God (1 Cor. 3:17). He is your adequacy (2 Cor. 3:5) and He leads you in His triumph (2 Cor. 2:14)."

Just wanted to share my thoughts and more importantly some Scripture.

Learning to love,
Jenna

Why Bad Things Happen to Good People ...

Why do bad things happen to good people?

This is an age-old question which I'd say has plagued every human being in the world especially Christians. We all believe that God is good, and we all believe that Jeremiah 29:11 is true that God does truly have a plan for us, plans to prosper us and not to harm us, to give us a hope and a future. If we believe this to be true, it begs the question, why do bad things happen to good people? If our God is so good and has good plans for our lives, how can these bad things happen to us?

When I was in junior high, I struggled with this. I just couldn't understand why the good people around me were facing such bad things. I asked God this exact question. I asked Him to tell me why. I asked Him to show me, and He did.

Why do bad things happen to good people? His answer to me: Mr. Ricky Jones.

This man loved his church, loved his family, and loved all people, but most of all, he loved his God. I don't know all the specific details about all that he endured during his lifetime, but I know that he had diabetes and probably many other health complications which in the end took his life my senior year of high school. When I was young, he was a picture of health as far as I knew, and he was the brightest light shining for Christ. As a young girl, I wanted to be around him, talk to him, and give him hugs. He ALWAYS had a smile on his face,and I came to expect a smile and hug from him every time I saw him. As I grew older, my mom would tell me that Mr. Ricky was very sick, that he had to have surgery, or that he was in the hospital. I knew things weren't good, but I didn't fully understand what was going on. What I did know was that he was sick, and I expected him to be unhappy, discouraged, sad, or angry. That's what I had seen others do when faced with such hard times, but Mr. Ricky was not others. No matter if they amputated his foot or confined him to a wheelchair, that smile never left his face. He continued to praise God even through the storms of life. To the world, he had every right to disown God and be angry with his circumstances, but not Mr. Ricky. He knew God's plan was good and perfect. He knew something that I didn't understand. I understand now as I think back on the impact he had on my life. I hugged his neck every time I saw him, and instead of complaining about his life and troubles, he asked me how he could pray for me. He always knew when something was heavy on my heart, and he always reminded me that God answers prayers and to NEVER stop praying.

His positive and Godly reaction to the BAD gave me the answer to this perplexing question.
First, I had to realize that we live in a fallen world where bad things are going to happen. This world is not perfect, and it hasn't been since Adam and Eve ate the fruit in the garden. This is a constant that will not change and will continue to affect us.
Second, I had to realize that this life is not about me or us or anybody ... it is all about God and bringing Him glory. He WILL use the bad to bring Him glory, and that is really all that matters.
Third, to this very day, I think about him every time someone around me is faced with something bad. He set an example for me, and to this day, I can look to God in the midst of storms in this life and put a smile on my face. I want my life to glorify God, and I will learn to accept the good and the bad ... knowing that how I react could impact someone's life forever and possibly even for the kingdom.

God is good.

Learning to love,
Jenna

Rescue Me

"But blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit. The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? 'I the Lord search the heart and examine the mind, to reward a man according to his conduct, according to what his deeds deserve.'" Jeremiah 17:7-10

My words are insufficient, but God's words always convey what I can't. Makes sense, huh? If not, He wouldn't be God! Have you ever noticed how everyone tells you to follow your heart? Well, according to this verse, I'm gonna go with NEGATIVE on that one. I've been following my heart into hopelessness, self-pity, loneliness, unnecessary rejection, and a million other places God never intended for me to go. I want to be like this tree ... trusting God first and foremost ... it does not fear when the heat comes, it has no worries in a year of drought, and it never fails to bear fruit. Oh how I long to be like this tree. Instead, I spend my time "following my heart," not God. What am I thinking? All of this reminds me of two of my absolute favorite songs in high school by Codie and Josie. First of all, "Rescue Me" was pretty much my most listened to song in the ole green mazda 626, and the words became the cry of my heart.

I wanna step out of me, run away from myself
I wanna chase after you and nothing else
You rescued me, now I'm safe by your side
You were always there with your arms open wide
Rescue me ... from myself
If I'm as close to you as I want to be, God, I'm not satisfied
I wanna be closer, closer to you, closer to you and further from me

Amazing, right? I need God to rescue me from myself and my deceitful heart. I have believed all of these lies that my heart has told me. For example, "It's okay to dwell on who I think I should marry, about the wedding, and about every single detail of our lives together." LIE. My heart tells me that this is okay, but it's not. The only thing I want to dwell on is my Savior, my God. When I dwell on these material/worldly things, I sabotage my relationship with Christ. He wants my whole heart not just the portion that I am willing to give him today that I'm not reserving for that future non-existent Prince Charming. How great is it that God will rescue us from ourselves, and not only that, but He will be standing there with His arms open wide.

The other song is called "Different," and it just sums up my thoughts about what I want my life to say ...

I wanna be different. I wanna be just like you. Not like me that's not what I wanna be. I wanna be different. I wanna be just like you, cuz that's what you called me to.
How can I let others see that this world is not what you made it to be ... I can be different. I can be just like you.

This is what I want. I want to be different. Different than the world. Different than the stereotypical "Christian." Different than the lukewarm followers. Different than the status quo. I want to be just like Christ.

"So I went down to the potter's house, and I saw him working at the wheel. But the pot he was shaping from the clay was marred in his hands; so the potter formed it into another pot, shaping it as seemed best to him. Then the word of the Lord came to me: 'O house of Israel, can I not do with you as this potter does?' declares the Lord. 'Like clay in the hand of the potter, so are you in my hand, O house of Israel'" Jeremiah 18:3-6

I see God doing this in my life sometimes ... especially through my times of "control-freak" mode where I try to plan out my entire life and continue on to watch my plan fall to a million pieces. As God has me on the wheel, and I am marred (due to my own attempts to do things on my way). What else does God do, but take me as I am and shape my life into what seems best to Him ... forming my life to His will (where it should've been in the first place).

I'm not sure where this all came from, but it was definitely just the ponderings of my heart tonight. All for the glory of God.

Learning to love,
Jenna

Overwhelmed

"The choice remains with you, dear princess. Your Father will not force you to turn from the window, but He longs to fellowship with you. Come into His chambers, delight in His Presence. May you be found in Him -- a Lady of Devotion."

This is by far my most favorite quote from the entire book, Lady in Waiting. It gives such an amazing visual of what it is like to have intimate fellowship with the Lord. I'm reminded of the song we sang at Garaywa in the summer of '08. I don't know the title of the song or who sings it, but it just about moves me to tears every time I hear it ...

I want to sit at your feet
Drink from the cup in your hand
Lay back against you and breathe
Feel your heartbeat
Your love is so deep
It's more than I can stand
I melt in your peace
It's overwhelming

When I close my eyes, I see myself standing out on the balcony of a castle that you see in one of those sappy romantic movies that I've watched a million times, and I'm staring out into the distance. I'm probably rotating between multiple of my nervous habits such as biting my cheeks, twisting my rings, or as Brooke likes to so often point out just moving nonstop especially with my hands. As I'm pacing out on the balcony and peering into the sunset of another day gone by in which my Prince Charming is nowhere to be found, I hear God say, "Jenna, please come and sit with me." Day after day, He makes this plea for me to turn away and return to His chambers. Night after night, He asks me to join Him in an intimate relationship. For so long, I have refused thinking my post on the castle wall was far too important and necessary to see what I was missing out on. These are such treasured days in my life where I can wholeheartedly devote my heart, mind, soul, and strength to serving God. My heart has always been so distracted by what I thought I was missing out on regarding earthly love that I missed out on the best part of all which is fellowshipping with my Heavenly Fiance. He is the Lover of my soul and my Prince of Peace ... what more could I ever need.

Before I go, I wanted to share my God moment for the day. I was driving back to my apartment for like the 5th time today, and I think I go a different way every time for no particular reason. As I was heading down one of the back streets, I focused my mind on the familiar stop sign at the end of the whole street, and I was headed for that stop sign no matter what. Before I knew it, I snapped out of my trance and realized there was a stop sign in less than 50 feet. I slammed on my brakes despite the fact that there were no cars anywhere to be seen, and it suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks. I had been so focused on that stop sign at the end of the road that I almost ran the stop sign right in front of my face. I do this so often in my life ... I get so focused on that next big goal (for this blog's purpose, a.k.a. marriage) that I miss out on the right now and what God has in store for me today. I don't want to do that anymore. Tomorrow is the beginning of a new chapter for me. GRAD SCHOOL. Instead of focusing on graduation day in May 2013, I'm going to keep my eyes open for what God is doing now.

Got a little off topic tonight, but I hope this makes sense to at least one person. It would make it all worthwhile. To God be the glory.

Learning to love,
Jenna