The {Supposed To Bes} Syndrome

I'm supposed to be happy.
I'm supposed to be grateful.
I'm supposed to be relieved.
I'm supposed to be rejoicing.
I'm supposed to be content.
I'm supposed to be all put together.
I'm supposed to be an example.
I'm supposed to be .... a lot of things. that I'm not.

As some may have noticed {but most could probably not care less}, I unintentionally took a sabbatical from the blogging world. And looking back on the last few months, it's probably due to all those supposed to bes. The longer this blog goes on and the more people that read it, the more I feel like I should put on here what people expect to hear from me. Not that I've ever really had it all together {because we ALL know that I haven't}, but the problem is that I should, shouldn't I?
Let's recap why I am supposed to be all those things listed above. I passed two of the biggest exams of my life which basically guarantee that I will be a certified SLP. I am on the literal last downhill slope of my graduate school horror years. 47 days. I have finally established some stability in my life being home. I'm not traveling back and forth around the state of MS living out my car anymore. I've thrown myself completely into my church home {which by the way, feels so good to say} where I feel like I have found my place. I have found new friends. I am leaving for Ukraine in like 50 something days to serve alongside Linda Gray for 6 weeks. I am blessed well beyond what I deserve.

I have every reason to actually {BE} all of those supposed to bes. But I'm not. I'm actually none of those things. Can you see the {funk} that I feel surrounding me? Because sometimes it feels so heavy that I could just touch it. Talk about frustrating. I think what has me ultimately in the dumps is that I've plateaued on this stupid getting healthy journey. I've made no progress since the new year, and that is probably the number one tool my brain uses to beat me down. I've gotten out of my routine of going to work out every day, so I just haven't been going. Today I felt like I needed to get off my lazy tail and do something about it {instead of moping around in my failures}. But that didn't go well either. I had to stop. I never stop. I always push through and suck it up, but today I just couldn't. I felt overwhelmed by everything and like a huge disappointment.
{Cue God intervening and smacking some sense into me} I know. I know. I needed it.
There's nothing like a ridiculously long shower and putting my iPod on shuffle to get a nice and clear message from God. Maybe I'm the only person who believes that my iPod shuffle is directly controlled by Him, but let me just have this {don't burst my bubble}.

The Finished Songlist to fix my pity party mood:
1. Facedown by Casting Crowns
2. Love Never Fails by Brandon Heath
3. Forgiven and Loved by Jimmy Needham
4. Everyone Needs a Little by Kari Jobe
5. Stained Glass Masquerade by Casting Crowns
6. Somebody's Praying Me Through by Allen Asbury
7. To Know You by Casting Crowns

I linked them all to a youtube video in case you need them as much as I did. I still don't feel like I have the answers. And I can't say that just because I got all of this out in the open that I feel any better. I feel like I'm humbled and broken at my Savior's feet ready to be put back together for His glory. I am and always will be a work in progress.

Learning to be the Light,